That Bearded Mofo

First ArticlePrev Article
Next Article Latest Article

I Feel A Draft

Published Tue Sep 3, 2013 1:30pm PST

image shaved off

Nine. My favorite number.

I was born on the ninth.

I've got nine fingers and nine toes, if you don't include the extra ones.

I add nine to a double digit number and it switches it around. 23 plus 9 makes 32. 56 plus 9 makes 65. 84 plus 9 makes 48. It's weird how that works.

And now, Gateway Fantasy Football Season 9. This is sure to be my favorite.

Speaking of favorites, congratulations to Season 8 Super Bowl champ Da,Pope! He truly was 2012's favorite. And truly is everyone's favorite to hate. And he truly will be missed. Again, congratulations Da,Pope.

*retch* Okay, enough of that *retch* talk. Let's talk about the draft.

Oh, before I begin, I know some of you shy away from having to do a lot of reading and you wish these articles were shorter. I hear you. And because of that, this will not be one of my infamously long 1,500-word articles.

It will be much, much longer. Much. But don't fret. If ten minutes is too long a time for you to spend reading, I've broken it into mile markers so you can read it in chunks. At every sixth of this article I'll leave you a little picture of a tired baby to let you know, "Hey, guy. You just finished a sixth of this wonderful Internet morsel. Now go change your diaper and take a nap and you can pick back up right here at a later time." Sound good?

image shaved off

It will look something like this.
But It's not this. This one don't count.

Now on with the draft. First off, there were no website drafting problems. How about that? No wrong player selections. No draft restarts. No skipped picks. It went perfect. You know, as long as you weren't autopicking.

Round 1
Jimmy muthaf**kin' Graham. The number one pick in the draft. The player that every guy with the first 9 picks thought would fall to him. And every one of us had no idea that the guy right before us would have just snatched him from us. Every guy. Many fretted, "If I can't get a good running back, at least I can get Jimmy Graham." But, no sir! Like the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, STLiens got his man. Was it a reach? Not when you've got the number one pick of a 12-team snake draft. Now STLiens selecting Darren Sproles 13 picks later, that was a reach.

Perennial number two pick Gridy changed his name to Detox and staked his claim on C.J. Spiller, a player that many superstar fantasy experts rank just below Adrian Peterson. They're smoking crack, and that's my Detox reference. The Bills coach says they plan on giving the ball to C.J. until he throws up, which sounds like he'll be HUGE in fantasy points...for the first few weeks. Until his body wears down like Buffalo backs tend to do. Quick, somebody call Fred Jackson on the handcuff hotline.

Up until two weeks before the draft, That Bearded Mofo *applause* *applause* planned to take Jimmy Graham, but after realizing the scarcity of running backs and sea of available wide receivers, Mofo decided Charles, McCoy, or (reluctantly) Spiller would be his target. It was Jamaal Charles.

It was LeSean McCoy for Savage Life who was autopicking for the second year in a row because he was away in China for the second year in a row. On a plane from China to be accurate. But what a great pick. Good job Autopicker. "I don't know why we ever misjudged you," I said, forbodingly.

image shaved off

Like its namesake, the name Madden gets retired and is replaced by a team name paying tribute to a soon-retiring great television series. At pick number 5, Breaking Bad Tackles selects Stevan Ridley who along with keeper Brady, shores up all the Patriots land and air touchdowns for BBT.

Hitmen rounds out the top half of the draft with Roddy White, choosing a position buddy for Calvin instead of Adrian, and snaking him away just before Roddy's former fantasy team can get to him.

G O O D G A W D reverted back to Black Francis Soyer and shortened the RB draft pool by taking reliable Matt Forte, or Matty Fort, or lets go back to calling him Matt Forte. Mr. Soyer would have another pick coming up later this round. One rife with controversy.

Allstate Mayhem had designs to shock the world with his first pick. He chose Larry Fitzgerald. Are you shocked yet? I'll be shocked if Palmer can make Fitz notable again. Arizonans will be shocked to find out they have a quarterback under center this year instead of a broken hat rack.

The Juggernauts turned Savages and picked up salsa expert Victor Cruz. Annnd now I'm hungry for chips and dip. So Vincent Jackson has been skipped over by three wide receivers now. I'm surprised Freeworld Savages didn't take Vincent Jackson. (See Round 2)

RAC ON RAC ON RACKS decided to put it on the back of Jaguar back Maurice Jones-Drew. Mojo seemed kinda forgotten about and hated on by the ranking system. After one injured year, he dropped to the number 16 running back in most fantasy analysts rankings as if he wasn't any good anymore. Remember how the experts had Adrian Peterson ranked 10th last year?

ARMAGEDDON takes Reggie Bush at number 11, a player who can only improve Detroit's running game. And with Lions QB Matthew Stafford having thrown the ball more times than any other NFL quarterback each of the last two seasons, Bush is sure to get many looks.

The first round closes with the pick that was involved in The Trade Heard Round the World of GroupMe. Everyone trashed Black Francis Soyer's decision to trade away the Muscle Hamster Doug Martin for the 12th pick of the draft, yet almost everyone voted yes on the deal. Since I'm the one writing this article, I'll say what the truths are.
Truth #1: Doug Martin is worth more than the number 12 pick in our keeper league draft or any start-up draft for that matter.
Truth #2: Da,Pope did get a remarkable steal of a deal.
Truth #3: Black Francis Soyer did not get too bad of a deal out of it, either.
"Wha-huh?" you say? Consider this... That so-called muscle-y hamster fell off the wheel three times last season putting up 8-, 4-, and 3.5-point games. You can't add 9 to any of those, because they're single f**kin' digits. Also consider, Martin is highly regarded because of his 53-point game in Week 9 of last year. That game was against the Raiders. Buccaneers don' t play the Raiders every year. Furthermore, two weeks ago, the Hamster was knocked out of a preseason game by a very sharp blow to the head. The head. And lastly, Soyer didn't want him on his team. Simple as that. I would have kept him, but that's me. If I was running the Jacksonville Jaguars, I'd want Tim Tebow. But I'm not, and the people who are don't, so there you are...
But I do think he should have gotten a 4th round pick to go along with it.
Truth #4: Everyone who crowed about the trade is just jealous they didn't offer their 1st rounder first.
Truth #5: GroupMe messages should be limited to between the hours of 12 noon to 9 pm Central Standard Time. This is the most important truth of all.
So who did Francis get? New York Giants running back David Wilson. Giants play the Raiders this year.

image shaved off

Round 2
With his first pick, Da,Pope takes the first QB off the board. It's Matty Ice. Or as the ladies call him, "Who?" Or as fantasy fans know him, "Top 5 2012 Fantasy Quarterback Matt Ryan." Respect and recognize.

As mentioned earlier, STLiens took N'awlins RB Darren Sproles. For a team with two very good running backs, the best tight end in the game, and a couple of extra early- to mid-round picks, I think STLiens could've waited on Sproles.

RACKS takes another hated on running back in Steven Jackson who finds himself transplanted from the STL to the ATL. Experts got him ranked RB number 15. Sure he's up there in age; he's been in the league 9 seasons. But now he's on a team with a spectacular aerial attack. What are defenders to do? What are they to do?!?!

Freeworld Savages took Vincent Jackson. (See Round 1)

Allstate Mayhem follows RACKS' lead in shopping out of the supposedly washed up rushers bin. He takes Tennessee Titan Chris Johnson. When you say "murderous NFL running back", most people think O.J. Simpson. I think Chris Johnson for the way he murdered so many fantasy owners through the early weeks of last season.

Black Francis takes Reggie Wayne, Hitmen takes Dwayne Bowe, and Breaking Bad takes Pierre Garcon back-to-back-to-back. Suddenly that sea of receivers I mentioned has turned into a puddle.

Robo-Savage Life takes DeMarco Murray, notching the third running back for his team. That's not a bad pick, Autopicker. But I'm cautious you might be prone to pick a ridiculous amount of running backs like you did last year. "But I'm sure you'll prove my concerns wrong," I said, foreshadowingly.

This Bearded Fat Man wants to secure his TE now, but freaks out at the vanishing WR pool, so NO Saint Marques Colston comes off the board. Detox follows with Bronco Eric Decker. Both players suffer from the same affliction: a great quarterback with too many options.

STLiens picks up quarterback Colin Kaepernick who averaged 23 fantasy points in the 7 games he started last season. I don't have anything interesting to say about this, but I mentioned all the other picks in this round, so here's this one too.

Round 3
Mofo gets his tight end. It's Jason Witten, the only player to be a top-5 fantasy tight end for each of the past 5 seasons. Tony Gonzalez was higher on my wish list, but how can I resist the Romo-to-Witten connection?

Savage Life autopicks QB Andrew Luck. Oh. But he's already got Aaron "I'd Bet My Salary Ryan Braun Is Clean" Rodgers as his keeper. Oh well. That's a pretty good backup to have. And at least Autopicker isn't giving Savage a bunch of unnecessary running backs. I mean, because you can only use so many running backs.

image shaved off

Sleeper running backs Lamar Miller (MIA) and Daryl Richardson (STL) come off the board to Breaking Bad Tackles and Black Francis Soyer, respectively.

RACKS takes his third straight running back with DeAngelo Williams. I know pickings are getting slim, but that just seems desperate. Jonathan Stewart will be out for a while, meaning the Panthers' number one rusher will now be still be Cam Newton.

Wait, ARMAGEDDON picked Matthew Stafford to go with his Reggie Bush? You sneaky devil. Stafford threw the ball 6 more times than Drew "I Throw The Damn Ball" Brees in 2011. He threw it 57 more times than Brees in 2012. Yeah, that's right. 57!
Plus 9 makes 75.

Round 4
Pickings at running back and tight end must really be slim, because Pope, who came into the draft with two great receivers, makes back-to-back picks of ball catchers Jordy and Wallace. ARMAGEDDON, who came to the draft with two huge receivers of his own, also goes wide with Antonio Brown.

RACKS takes Rams TE Jared Cook which feels like a homer pick.

Freeworld selects Darren McFadden who hasn't finished a full season since the game of football was invented.

Dammit, Autopicker! He doesn't need 3 QBs! Savage Life selects RGIII.

At this point, I notice that with all the runs on wide receivers and middle-of-the-road running backs, no one seems to be too excited about Tony Gonzalez. Well I was, so I pulled the trigger. I'll take your two tight end formation. And when you suckers are scouring the waiver wire in four weeks, desperate to find a TE that will get you more than 9 points a game, I will laugh in your face.

STLiens takes Anquan Boldin. Dammit, I wanted Boldin.

Round 5
Not to make this all about me, but here's another one of my picks: Montee Ball. What's the deal with Denver? Who's the running back to have? Is it Hillman like the Bronco's depth chart says? Or is it Ball like all the fantasy rankings say? Or is it Moreno like that punch in the gut that is the unpredictable will of the Fantasy gods says? I guess we'll find out Thursday.

Savage Life continues to gather a spectacular collection of awesome, yet unnecessary QBs. Autopicker picks Russell Wilson.

STLiens selects QB Michael Vick just 3 rounds after selecting QB Colin Kaepernick. He love him some Vick.

ARMAGEDDON takes TE Antonio Gates and I cry a little bit inside. I love me some Gates.

image shaved off

Round 6
Breaking Bad Tackles breaks open the D/ST seal and takes the Seattle Seahawks. He is my brother and I love him. But he is a thief. A lowdown dirty rotten scumbag. I had the Seahawks in my queue and my cursor over the "DRAFT" button, ready to hit that sucker just two picks later.

Autopicker chooses wide receiver Steve Smith (CAR) for Savage Life. Okay. We're finally off the quarterback run. "I guess it has finally come to its senses," I said, naively.

Round 7
Savage Life autopicks another running back, Ahmad Bradshaw. So including keepers, Savage is now running a total of 4 QBs, 4 RBs, and 1 WR in 7 rounds.

Round 8
Heisenberg strikes again! Breaking Bad Tackles breaks open the IDP seal and takes lineman J.J. Watt who I had primed to take just two picks later.

Savage Life autopicks quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. At this point, I'm ready to throw my computer and it's not even my team. Most of the other teams continue to pick up backup QBs even though Savage Life has plenty of better ones to trade for.

Round 9
Autopicker snags Savage Life Buccaneers passer Josh Freeman.

Round 10
Allstate becomes the last team to secure a QB. He opts for Carson Palmer giving him the Palmer-to-Fitzgerald connection I mocked earlier. By draft's end, 8 out of 12 teams will end up with some sort of QB-to-RB/WR/TE combo on their roster.

Autopicker nets Savage Life Chiefs thrower Alex Smith. Oh, you thought it was done?

Round 11
We're way beyond the point where anybody's pick is interesting other than Savage Life's. This round it's the law firm, RB BenJarvus Green-Ellis. Current tally: QBs - 7, RBs - 5, WRs - 1, All other positions - 0

Round 12
Da,Pope selects Jacksonville linebacker Paul Posluszny. He sounds like a mobster and he's tough as one, too. Good pick.

In all, 9 Individual Defensive Players are selected this round. But not for Savage Life. Okay, Autopicker. Who ya got for us this time? Brett Favre? No? It's a tight end? Okay, great. Savage needs one of those. And it's New England's Zach Sudfeld. With Gronk likely to miss the first game (or two) at least we know Sudfeld should see playing time. Even better.

Round 13
Autopicker nabs Ravens running back Bernard Pierce giving Savage Life a handcuff for Ray Rice. Guess you can't be mad at that.

Round 14
Autopicker selects Eagles tight end Brent Celek who had a better fantasy season last year than ends Vernon Davis, Jared Cook, Fred Davis, and Jordan Cameron, all of whom were drafted over 6 rounds ago. Looks like Savage Life will be okay at tight end.

Round 15
Savage Life selects TE Coby Fleener. I'm convinced Autopicker has a cruel, sick sense of humor. To recap: 7 QBs, 6 RBs, 1 WR, 3 TEs, 0 Everything Else, 1 Pick Left, 5 Positions Yet To Fill

image shaved off

Round 16
Hitmen picks Pittsburgh running back Isaac Redman, seemingly a pretty great steal as the Steelers had just cut Dwyer, Redman was at the top of the depth chart, and Hitmen will never need to start him anyway. Then comes the day after fantasy draft day, a.k.a. "Count How Many of Your Late Round Picks Are Now Worthless" Day. Steelers named latecomer Felix Jones the starter.

Savage Life autopicks hamstrung tight end Ed Dickson because, presumably, an eighth QB would have been overkill.

Round 17
Only two insignificant picks.

Round 18
Only one insignificant pick.

Draft done.

Everyone's rosters appear to be strong. In fact, I'd say Season 9 has the strongest set of draft day rosters ever. So go ahead and collect your trophies, Paper Champs. You did it!

The season starts with 4 division matchups. For the 3rd year in a row, Week 1 of the season features the Super Bowl rematch. Champion Da,Pope pits his three wide against ARMAGEDDON's three wide in a mirror matchup that finishes with each of their tight ends on Monday night.

While last year's numbers 1 and 2 duke it out, last year's numbers 11 and 12 do the same. STLiens plans to Kaepernick all over the place while Detox aims to bombard his opponent with receptions and yards.

Freeworld Savages versus Breaking Bad Tackles looks to be another three-wide matchup with current Freeworld QB Cam taking on former Freeworld QB Tom. With J.J. SWatt, Laurinaitis, Tillman, Smith, and Chancellor in the mix, this may be the IDP game of the week.

With Allstate Mayhem loaded at both RB and WR, there's no telling what approach he'll take against RAC ON RAC ON RACKS and his Manning-to-Welker combo.

With a formidable wide receiving core and THE formidable rusher in Adrian P, Hitmen looks to take out division rival That Bearded Mofo and his tight-end tandem of Gonzalez and Witten. Their QBs Eli and Romo go head-to-head for real on Sunday night.

It's the battle of the top QBs as Drew Brees and a cadre of running backs take on Aaron Rodgers and a roster to be determined when Black Francis Soyer and Savage Life go at it this weekend.

And this is where my ruminating ends and the NFL Thursday Night Kickoff begins! Remember, Denver and Baltimore are up first, so make sure to start or bench your Broncos and Ravens accordingly. If you're starting Ray Lewis then I missed a huge opportunity to clown you out earlier in this article.

Good luck and may your fantasy season leave you just frustrated enough to where you still want to do it again next year.

But before you go, let's see how well you were paying attention. How many times did "9" (or "nine") appear in this article? If it felt like a lot, that was no coincidence. Or was it?

~That Be9rded Mofo~

Comments (aka, the worst part of the Internet):
Make sure you're logged in. If you're not, I'd suggest copying all that text you just wrote before it goes bye-bye.