TBM: Dishonorable Mention
The race is tight. Two teams stand tied for 1st place equaled in record and points. (When has that ever happened?) A third matches their record, so nobody's comfortable. We've got three 7-3 teams, one 6-4, four 5-5, and three 4-6. Just to reiterated, eight--EIGHT--teams stand at .500 or better. Isn't that screwy?
No, this is screwy. The Screwys. Welcome to the XVILIVIXX Annual 2011 Screwy Awards! For one last time this football season, lets shout out your players that sh*t out a terrible game. On to the first category...
The "What Jesus Wouldn't Do Is Complete Only Two Passes In A Game" Award - Quarterbacks
Cam Newton, 13 pts
Ryan Fitzpatrick, 9 pts
Michael Vick, 9 pts
And the Screwy goes to Tim Tebow.
This is the first win for a non-nominee. Sure Tebow scored 19 fantasy points this past week, but he completed 2 passes on only 8 attempts. Two of eight. I don't care if they won, Tebow has to go. Switch him to tight end.
The "No Shine Moreno" Award - Running Backs
Mike Tolbert, 8.5 pts
Darren Sproles, 2 pts
Frank Gore, .5 pts
And the Screwy goes to Frank Gore.
Frankly, Frank, that's franked up. Half a point? Get the frank outta here.
The "Andre Johnson Was Never Gonna Come Back Before The Bye Week a.k.a. Start-Tease" Award - Wide Receivers
Anquan Boldin, 4 pts
Lance Moore, 3 pts
Jonathan Baldwin, 2 pts
Jeremy Maclin, 2 pts
And the Screwy goes to Jeremy Maclin.
There were a LOT of terrible wide receiver performances this week. Five WRs that scored 3 points or less were left off the list because they were on winning teams. Terrible. Speaking of terrible, Maclin gets the award because the Eagles should be ashamed of themselves. The Cardinals? Really? They're quarterback is Skelton. Who the hell is a "Skelton"? It's the stinking Cardinals. What kind of team loses to the Cardinals? How garbage of a team do you have to be to lose to the Cardinals?! (Sorry, Rams.)
The "Nicki Minaj's Schizo Voices Ain't Cute" Award - Tight Ends
Owen Daniels, 6 pts
Jake Ballard, 6 pts
Visanthe Shiancoe, 4 pts
Marcedes Lewis, 1 pt
And the Screwy goes to Marcedes Lewis.
Why was he even in the starting lineup?
The "Peyton Manning Is Gonna Kick Andrew Luck In The Crotch... If His Neck Allows It" Award - Kickers
Alex Henery, 5 pts
Josh Scobee, 5 pts
Neil Rackers, 3 pts
And the Screwy goes to Josh Scobee.
Because Rackers and Henery were on winning teams. And because who cares? It's kickers.
The "Albert Shamesworth" Award - Defense/Special Teams
49ers, 7 pts
Ravens, 7 pts
Chargers, 3 pts
And the Screwy goes to the San Diego... Superchargers.
I don't know what's going on with this team. Who are they? Well, at least they're consistently inconsistent.
The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Tony Romo, 31 pts for gatting Gladiators
Bears, 36 pts for glazing Gladiators
Texans, 18 pts for messing up Mac Attack
Drew Brees, 28 pts for gritting Gridy
Chris Johnson, 25 pts for Grape Aping Gridy
Michael Bush, 30.5 pts for sacking Savage Life
Larry Fitzgerald, 33 pts for shutting down Savage Life
DeMarco Murray, 25 pts for blasting Black Magic
Arian Foster, 32 pts for hijacking Hitmen
And the Screwy goes to the Chicago Bears.
Da Bears (da Bears!) scored the most of any player this week so they get the award. But Brees? Damn. Bush? Damn. Romo, Foster, Fitzgerald? Damn damn daaammn! And to think, if the Packers hadn't brutally dominated the Vikings so early, Rodgers may have stayed in the game, added to his 38 fantasy point total, and made it into the list of nominees instead of Bush and Fitzgerald. Oh, real football... You always know how to ruin fantasy football.
The "Matt Leinart Has A Heisman Trophy" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Rashard Mendenhall, 18.5 pts
Patriots, 20 pts
Damian Williams, 21 pts
Marshawn Lynch, 23.5 pts
Matt Schaub, 24 pts
Tom Brady, 34 pts
Mark Sanchez, 24 pts
Jordy Nelson, 23 pts
Titans, 21 pts
Mario Manningham, 19 pts
And the Screwy goes to...
I don't know why Mendenhall was on the bench. I know why Brady was on the bench, but that won't happen again. Titans? Lynch? Damian Williams? None of those should've happened. But back to the award. Let's see... Let's say it goes to... Brady. He's used to winning things. Let him tack on this crappy prize.
Well, it's time to tip the bartender and call the limo driver. That's all the Screwys for 2011. Week 11 is another full slate of division and conference matchups. So bring your A-game or you'll fall B-hind and say C-ya later to D playoffs. E-nuff of that. Goodnight, everybody!
~That Tied For First Place Mofo~