The Chronicles of Gateway Fantasy Football
Since before the dawn of time, man has played fantasy football. And by dawn of time, I mean 2009, when I first began creating these weekly articles.
What is Gateway Fantasy Football?
Well, I'm glad I asked. The Gateway Fantasy Football league is made up of a group of ruthless, cutthroat, downright terroristic fellas hellbent on destroying one another for three and a half months of the year. Four months if they're lucky. Founded with 8 teams in St. Louis way back in 2005, the league currently boasts a roster of 12 teams headquartered throughout the United States.
My fellow Fantasy Americans,
It's been a long time. I shouldn't have left you without a dope read to skim through.
Now we could sit here all day talm 'bout who needs to apologize to who for not writing a weekly what for the last four years, but I'm not here to point fingers. I'm here to provide some encouragement during the emotional dookie storm that has been 2020.
We all know how bad it's been. Yes, yes, you're sick of hearing about it. Coronavirus. Police brutality. Murder hornets. The Falcons. You're over it. ...Read More
Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
What a bloody year. Bodies. Bodies everywhere. Aaron Rodgers. Deshaun Watson. Omarosa. When will the carnage end?
Antonio Brown, Hunter Henry, Marqise Lee all went down. Carson Wentz the week before. But those are just real injuries. What about the fantasy owies?
Three weeks ago, Da,Pope got blown to bits. He dropped 10 grenades into his own tank. Black went not too far behind him, eaten by sharks. The Black & The Goaled got thrown off a cliff. And HUNTing for a title! went down a trap door; never saw it coming. ... Then on Tuesday...
Actually, it was the following week. ...Read More
Hi. How ya been?
I know I've been gone for a while, but I've got a good excuse. I've been boycotting the NFL until O.J. was freed. But he's out and now I can talk fake football again!
Just to be clear, this is not a regular thing. I'm only back to deliver the State of the League report. There will not be another article next week. Not from me, anyway.
With that being the case, better get in some fun stuff while I can.
Screwys! ...Read More
Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Ho ho oh no, it's over. This war is coming to an end. It already ended for most of us.
I found a body behind the wood shed. It's The Black & The Goaled. Looks like he was knocked out from behind by a Kirk Cousins-shaped object.
Oof! I just tripped over another body. Who is this? Black Francis Soyer. Multiple stab wounds. Too too many to count. What a mess.
Wait... Is he breathing? Oh my. They both are. I'll call the amberlamps. **dials** Hello, medic? Come quick. There are two teams down. ... What do you mean there's only one ambulance? ...Read More
Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
It's déjà vu all over again.
Twice in the last three weeks, I had the third highest score in the league and lost to the highest score. I guarantee that will not happen to me again this week.
Because I'm out.
Four of us are out. Again. They say it happens in fours.
Actually, no one has ever said that. But if they had, they'd be right when it comes to fantasy postseason axings. ...Read More
Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Thursday, December 8, 2016
This is the end. Almost.
Not many of these left. I've been writing from this battlefield eight years. Eight years straight now. I'm tired. Weary. Can't go on much longer. This has to be the end.
This year will be the last. ...
I write this from the fields of combat in search of peace. Peace and quiet.
Or is it "piece of quiet"? I was never really certain of that phrase. Just like is it "bite your tongue" or "bide your tongue"? "Ten of" or "ten to"? I choose "ten 'til". As in "This digression is going to go on until ten 'til forever." ...Read More
You know what's fun? Scoring the 3rd most points in the fantasy league over the weekend. You know what's not fun? Playing against the team that scored the most. Happy Thanksgiving to me. Sheesh.
I guess things could've been worse. Not really. I could've gotten my finger dislocated like Derek Carr. Nope. Or I could've been one of the poor saps who saw Carr's dislocated finger because the channels replayed it over and over. I was. Or I could be a Panthers fan. What. The hell. Has happened? Or a Browns fan. N/A
Well, it's week 13 and you know what that mean. It means I wrap up the season by rapping up the season. Before you get too excited, just know that, this year, there is no track that you can just hit play to hear. Due to an unrelentingly busy schedule, That Bearded Mofo was unable to step into a booth this year to churn out your hit. I know, it's sad, I know. ...Read More
Ahhh, it's that time of year. Charlie Brown specials. An abundance of special offers and sales. And orange everywhere. Just a boatload of orange food and stuff. Why is everything so orange?
Before you settle in with your loved ones for your old family tradition, let's settle in for our young one. It's time for the Thanksgiving 2016 Screwy Awards! In this special annual version of the event, Screwys are handed out by turkeys--this year's turkeys to be exact. Shhh! The show is starting.
It's fitting that this person lead off our presenters tonight ...Read More
The NFL may have had its best week of the season. Close games and wild finishes made that so. The Cowboys-Steelers game featured 6 two-point attempts, all of which failed. The Patriots couldn't tie the Seahawks after several tries from the 1-yard line. And the Rams and Jets were in a nailbiter of a--okay, I'm lying on that one. It ended 9-6. They couldn't even give their three viewers at home a touchdown for their troubles. Shameful.
We're deep into fall which is that education time of the year. On that note, lets ring that school bell for the eighth time for...Learning Your ABC's with That Bearded Mofo
Brought to you by SmackMack's Labius Corpus: America's #1 XXX-themed legal service. Our girls will get you off while they get you off, only at Labius Corpus! ...Read More
I have no words.
And because I have no words, this is going to be a quick one.
I'd love to be able to point out the bright side or say something that makes you feel like everything is going to be all right. But I can't.
The simple fact of the matter is, watching Tuesday's election night coverage felt like a bad day of fantasy football dialed up to 100. Maybe it won't be as bad as we expect. Maybe the country will survive. But a truth has been uncovered about what this country is made of. A truth that has been known by many of us, ignored by most of us, and openly welcomed by a fringe of us. And that truth is that that small fringe is actually a full half.
Enjoy the Obamas while you can. Your new First Lady sounds like Zsa Zsa Gabor. Let's get to some associations.
You know how the game goes. ...Read More
Did anybody go up against a QB who broke his team's franchise record and put up almost 50 fantasy points this weekend? No? Just me? Okay. Jesus, Derek Carr...
Also, has anybody else noticed that, no matter how much Tom Brady goes off--and he is going THE EFF off--at least one quarterback outscores him in fantasy every week?
Enough appetizer. Let's get to the main course. The news is full of all sorts of misbehavers and persons of interest. So many, it'll keep your head on a perpetual swivel. Don't worry. You've got me to tell you who to focus on. It's time once again to seek out That Bearded Mofo's Most Wanted. ...Read More
My fellow Fantasy Americans,
The season is halfway over. Many have said it has gone on too long, that there are too many debates. Do I start Devonta Freeman or Tevin Coleman? Is Ty Montgomery a wide receiver or a running back?
For many, times are hard. Teams have struggled. The Great Chargers ACL Recession of early 2016 was one of our darkest times. Spirits are low. But as First Lady Michelle Obama says, "When they go low, we go high." I assume she was talking about fantasy.
We've still got six more weeks to go and, unlike the Cardinals-Seahawks game, somebody's got to win this thing. It might as well be you! Don't build a wall around your destiny. Grab it by the David Johnson. Your leaked emails may reveal you tried to trade Jay Ajayi for Brian Hoyer, but all that is behind you now. Let the taste of victory give you the Jones like Julio and Marvin and may you never Carlos Hyde in the shadows again. It's time to win so much you're gonna get tired of winning. You can do it. You can make America Cameron Brate again!
Thank you. God bless you. And God bless fantasy football. ...Read More
Well this week sucked. That's all I have to say about that.
Actually, I have a little more to say about it. It sucked big. There. I said it. This week was brutal. It was bloodier than Cleveland pitcher Trevor Bauer's finger.
Did you know he wanted to burn his leaking finger shut with a soldering iron? Bad idea. Almost as bad an idea as it was starting all the players we're honoring tonight. That's right. As we move ever closer to awards season, it's time to acknowledge the ugly and praise the pitiful. It's time for the 26th Annual Red Robin White Castle Blue Apron Screwy Awards! Let's pop open the first envelope, which is for biggest booby QB. ...Read More
Seen any good videos lately?
I tried watching that Trump bus video everyone is talking about, but it was so dirty it gave my computer a virus. Billy Bush got suspended for the frat boy lackey role he played in the 11-year-old video. Makes his role as Ryan Lochte apologist more understandable now. Still not acceptable, but understandable.
In non-slimy news, Trump's buddy Tom Brady returned from suspension in full form, tossing 3 TDs, all to TE Martellus Bennett. Don't worry; Gronk owners still had plenty to be happy about with 5 catches for 109 yards. Brady was only outdone this week by Roethlisberger who Trump simultaneously praised and called a tree murderer. I cannot make this stuff up. ...Read More
Everybody says Odell Beckham, Jr. needs to calm down. How can he remain calm when Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint in Paris?! How can he remain calm when Donald Trump ain't paid taxes in 18 years?! How can he remain calm when there's pens and pineapples and apples and pens running loose on the streets?!
How can anyone remain calm when we're four weeks into the season and we have no idea what the hell is going on. The Patriots got blanked at home for the first time since 1993 and the Ryan Bros. Bills are the ones that did it to them. The Vikings are 4-0 without Adrian and Teddy while the Panthers and Cardinals are 1-3 with Cam and Carson. Also, the Raiders and the Rams are 3-1. And the Cleveland Browns... Well, they're the only winless team, so that story lines up. But everything else is crazy! ...Read More
One debate down. Too many more to go.
It's the opposite with weeks of the NFL. Three are in the books, which means we've only got ten left before the playoffs. We'll be down to single digits after next week! Noooo, football, don't leave us!
Enough fooling around. Let's get down to serious business. It's time to round up the most nefarious perpetrators of the week. It's time once again to find That Bearded Mofo's Most Wanted. ...Read More
Just days after a bomb goes off in New York, Angelina Jolie files for divorce from Brad Pitt. Coincidence?
Of course. Why would those incidents be related?
On another unrelated note, the Emmys telecast aired just a couple days ago. So many awards shows. The last thing we need is another awards show. So how about another awards show?
It's time to dump sarcastic praise onto the flaming pile that is your fantasy team. It's time for the 25th Annual Screwy Awards! And this actually is the 25th time we've done this, just not the 25th year. But 25 is quite an accomplishment. I mean that's more than the amount of receiving yards the Cardinals' John Brown has for the season. In two games. Two!! I'm not bitter. ...Read More
It feels good to start the fantasy season off with a win. That probably feels like a bit of salt in the wound to all those who lost Week 1, but... What can I say? I'm sorry...
...that I'm not sorry.
There's a few other things from this week that I'm unapologetic about which I'd like to cover in my new segment Sorry I'm Not Sorry.
Sorry I'm not sorry the L.A. Rams got shut out opening weekend.
And were the only team to do so. And got blown out by four touchdowns. ...Read More
Draft day is here! Draft day is here!
Well, actually it was eight days ago. Sure, we could draft after teams make their final roster cuts. Sure, we could draft Labor Day weekend when almost every American has a God-given extra day off. But why do that when we can pick before some NFL teams even know who their starting quarterback is?
Before we take a look at the draft, I have to start by congratulating the previous year's league winner. The 2015 champion was none other than our commish extraordinaire The Black & The Goaled! Let's all give him a round of hissing boos--I mean, applause. A round of applause. Yippee yippee yayyy! Go awayyy! We hate you!
Now that that's out of the way, let's open the doors on season 12 of Gateway Fantasy Football. ...Read More