That Bearded Mofo

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I Hear You Hear Me

Published Tue Oct 16, 2012 2:00pm PST

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This was a truly great week in football. Unless you lost. In that case, it was truly awful. Right, Philip Rivers?

The good news is, it ain't over. It just feels like it.

The West Division, which leads the league in points (2,204), got swept this week by the North Division (2,157.5). Dub, Pope gave it good to G O O D G A W D. Hand me your Wallace put the mayhem on Allstate. And ARMAGEDDON went savage on Savage Life.

Meanwhile, in the South versus East matchups, victory followed the standings. RAC ON RAC ON RACKS was a juggernaut to Freeworld. That Bearded Mofo did something grid-related to Gridy. And Hitmen [I can't think of a pun to go with STL]ed STLiens.

I'm not gonna get into who stands where. That's for next week. So you better read next week. You better.

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If you don't read next week, I'm sending her to your house.
Whatever happens, you won't like it.

Now is the time when I pretend that I let you the readers write this column. It's time for me to open up the ol' emailbag. Let's see what you and he and him and them are saying this week.

Philip R. from San Diego writes,
I don't know if you heard Mike Tirico mention it during Monday's game, but me and my wife have six kids. I'm trying to start my own football squad.
TBM: So you're anti-contraception, but pro-interception?

Alphonso W. from Hand me your Wallace HQ writes,
I propose that if a player scores 3 touchdowns on your bench, you get to use those points next week. Call it the Jordy Nelson Rule. Sound good?
TBM: No.

Shonn G. from New York writes,
The Shonn Greene Rule?
TBM: Nobody owns you.
Shonn G.: Aww, that hurts.

Anton M. from ARMAGEDDON HQ writes,
I started RG3 after he was coming off a concussion and he bust a 76 yard rushing TD along with 38 fantasy points. Give me credit!
TBM: Okay. Sure. But you do know he did it, right?

Rodney B. from Savage Life HQ writes,
I was down 62.5 going into Sunday night's game. I was out. There was no way I could win. All I had left was...Aaron Rodgers. And then, boom! Don't call it a comeback!!!... 'Cause it wasn't. Rodgers got 53. HUGE, but not huge enough. Excuse me, I have to go punch the rest of my players in the armpit.

D. Allen from Oakland writes,
I "iced" the other team's kicker and basically gave him a practice kick to get it right and win the game. How long until I'm fired?
TBM: Well, it is the Raiders and they've had 5 coaches in the last 7 seasons. But Al Davis is gone, so you may be able to--Oh, they just fired him.

Dan M. from STLiens HQ writes,
I'm alone in last place. My fiendish plot to get the first pick without trading for it is coming together nicely.

B. Hartline from Miami writes,
Hello, has anybody seen me?
TBM: The scoreboard sure hasn't.

J. Gordon from Cleveland writes,
I'm for real. Ain't I for real, Mofo?
TBM: Race car driver Jeff Gordon? Oh yeah, absolutely.
J. Gordon: I'm Browns receiver Josh Gordon.
TBM: Browns? I thought the NFL sold off that team to cancer research and converted your stadium into a Subway meat slicing factory.

Demerrio M. from RAC ON RAC ON RACKS HQ writes,
*singing* Alll byyy myyysellllf... I'm in first place, alll byyy myyyself. *singing*
Hey, is it 2009 again? No, I didn't have any losses at this point then. What can I say? I'm human. And I'm also...
*singing* Un-dis-pu-ted, and it feels so gooood! *singing*

TBM: Racks paraphrases the hits, ladies and gentlemen.

Demarco D. from Hitmen HQ writes,
I wish I had 5 wins.

Ticket Oak from the backyard writes,
Demarco, you've already got wins coming out of your earhole! Go to bed, champ.

Ryan B. from Allstate Mayhem HQ writes,
This is what it's like to score under 120? It feels...[blecch!]...dirty.

Terry W. from That Bearded Mofo HQ says,
TBM: Nothing, you idiots. 'Cause Terry W's dead. He's locked in my basement. Feminist women love Eminem...

Juan C. from Philadelphia writes,
The Eagles fired me as Defensive Coordinator. You know, because I keep fumbling and throwing all those interceptions.

Artis H. from Cleveland writes,
I uppercut women. It's what I do. I told the Cleveland RTA this when they hired me 22 years ago. I specifically said, "If I don't like a bitch, I will uppercut her in the face, right off my bus." I told them. They laughed, so I guess they thought I was joking. Then 22 years later, they wanna act all surprised. I also said that I will kick a child in the back, put deaf folks in sleeper holds, and poke a dog in the eyes. They wanna be a man...

TBM: You shoulda been driving the AC Transit bus in Oakland.

Mike S. from Gridy HQ writes,
Eli Manning. Chris Johnson. Darren McFadden. Marques Colston. Jason Witten. Why can't I score more than a buck-o-five any given week? The fantasy gods hate me.
TBM: No, it's because, uh... If you look at, uh, the... Hmm... Well you--hmm... Have you considered an animal sacrifice?

Twon H. from Da,Pope HQ writes,
Marshall, Bryant, Schaub, Bush, Wayne. Nobody had a better first five picks of the draft than me.
TBM: Bush? Really?
Twon H.: Yeah, I tried to sneak that one in there.

N. Minaj from your dreams and/or nightmares writes,
Yeah, the reports are true. I don't get along with Mariah on American Idol. She's a space case with nothing to add. Why can't she randomly go into different voices like a normal person?

Nathaniel H. from Freeworld Juggernauts HQ writes,
I'm thinking of changing my team name from Freeworld Juggernauts to Freeworld Not In The Faces!

Marlon G. from G O O D G A W D HQ writes,
I got a DB named Alterraun Verner on my team. How long until he gets the nickname "All-terrain"? What was his momma thinking? Is she a fan of Star Wars' planet Alderaan? That's a shout out to all you virgin geeks out there.
TBM: All I know is, if you give your kid a crazy name, he's guaranteed to play in the NFL. I still trip over Arian Foster. What's next? Whitepower Jenkins?

F. Baumgartner from 24 miles up writes,
Aaaagh! God, it's hot. Oh, Jesus! I'm on fire. Aagh, aagh, aaaaaaaaaggghh! Why'd I do this? Wait. What the freep was that noise? I can't hear anything. What was that noise? That was me??? I can't hear shizz because all sound is eating my dust. First man to break the sound barrier without using an aircraft. I'm about to be a legend. Except my name sounds like a baseball pitcher, and nobody cares about baseball. I'll be forgotten tomorrow. Well, Mofo, I guess I should wrap this letter up seeing as how my laptop incinerated 20,000 feet ago and I would like to complete soiling myself before impact. Good day to you sir.
P.S.: I don't know if this was worth it.

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He will be missed.

Thanks for all your letters. Sorry I couldn't post any of your hate mail letters, but it's only because I'm the biggest hater of them all.

The North-West and South-East interleague play continues on somewhat this week as freshly renamed Da,Pope (4-2) takes on Savage Life (3-3), ARMAGEDDON (3-3) takes a shot at Allstate Mayhem (4-2), STLiens (1-5) brings a razor to That Bearded Mofo (3-3), and Gridy (2-4) tries to chain up Freeworld Juggernauts (2-4). The other two games are both conference matchups in which a division leader takes on a division basement dweller. Hand me your Wallace (2-4) tries to mug RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (5-1) while G O O D G A W D (3-3) plans to put a bullet in Hitmen (4-2).

Be sure to check back next week when all those little parenthesesed numbers will change and I'll tell you what that means for each team. Or you could just take your chances.

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Please take your chances.

~That Flabby Mofo ~

Comments (aka, the worst part of the Internet):
Make sure you're logged in. If you're not, I'd suggest copying all that text you just wrote before it goes bye-bye.

Alphonso74 says,
Oct 16, 2012 7:08:27 PM PST