Save Your Applause Until Never
Published Wed Oct 8, 2014 12:20am PST
It's really hard to write one of these articles when a baby's mama is outside arguing with her baby's daddy on the side of the road about the usual ghetto stuff. "You wanna choose the RAP game over your child!" she shouts, melodramatically. He tells her to quiet down. She speeds off in her car like she's making some showy dramatic exit. But loops right back around because, you know, I have a deadline. She keeps yelling like she's auditioning for a chitlin' circuit play. I assume he walks off with their child to, again I assume, another woman's house because baby mama then yells "Gimme my baby now!" repeatedly as she exits her car and runs after him. Soon followed by "Don't call 'em. I'm leaving." repeated over and over as she scampers back to her car, adding, "It's getting real now, bitch." just before speeding off. Annnd then the cops drove through. But hey, my annoyance is your entertainment in the form of a freshly tacked on first paragraph for this week's report.
The news is a little depressing right now, what with ISIS and ebola. The dad from 7th Heaven. Protests in Hong Kong. Percy Harvin getting 3 TDs taken off the board. It's all more troubling than seeing your dad's O face. So maybe we should just go right on to something that will make us feel better.
Or not. It's time to prop up the dopes that made you mope. It's time for the Lebron James Rick James Edgerrin James Jesse James 2014 James Screwy James Awards! And heeere's your host...That Bearded Mofo!
TBM: You know how this goes. Applauseapplauseapplause. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. Annnd quarterbacks.
The "Geno Smith Doesn't Know Time Zones Or Red Zones" Award - Quarterbacks
Matthew Stafford, 15.8 pts
Ryan Fitzpatrick, 6 pts
Ryan Shitzpatrick, 6 pts
Ryan Fitzpatstink, 6 pts
And the Screwy goes to Ryan Sixpointstrick.
No one can predict 6 points. That just happens. But my man threw only 1 interception and had no fumbles and was never sacked in a game that went into overtime. How does he end up with only 6 points? I bet the Texans are really wishing they had Matt Schaub right about--oh, they don't? They rather a fantasy six than a pick six? Okay, nevermind.
The "Adrian Peterson Runs Trains With Your Money" Award - Running Backs
Montee Ball, 2.8 pts
Reggie Bush, 5.3 pts
Chris Johnson, 0.9 pts
Zac Stacy, 7.8 pts
And the Screwy goes to Chris Johnson.
Remember CJ2K? Well, he must've gotten infected with Y2K because he's reverted back to his stats from 1900. And that's zero because his grandma's grandma didn't even exist yet. He did score nine tenths of a point more than his real life team, so that's a turdberg he can cling onto. What's the difference between the New York Jets and a paper jet? Folded paper has points.
The "Michael Phelps Likes It High And Fast" Award - Wide Receivers
Keenan Allen, 5.5 pts
Kelvin Benjamin, 4.8 pts
Victor Cruz, 5.2 pts
Eric Decker, 0 pts*
Julian Edelman, 8.5
Michael Floyd, 1.7 pts
Pierre Garcon, 4.3 pts
Andrew Hawkins, 5.7 pts
Calvin Johnson, 1.7 pts
Brandon Marshall, 7.4 pts
Cordarrelle Patterson, 2.8 pts
Eddie Royal, 7 pts
Steve Smith Sr., 6.4 pts
Markus Wheaton, 2.7 pts
*Did Not Play
And the Screwy goes to...how? How could there be this many terrible starter performances? Only two teams were on bye! Steve Smith has been beasting all season but now he wants to act his age. Brandon Marshall the receiver got about as many catches as Brandon Marshall the linebacker. And Calvin Johnson? Well, he gets the award, doesn't he?
Calvin owners said all weekend, "The Lions better not just be using him as a decoy. They better not. They better not!" And the Lions said they weren't. Then they did. At least it seemed like it. Megatron didn't have a ball thrown his way in the first half. But the Lions reneged on their reneg when Calvin got a job! The second play of the second half went to the lion of the Lions who...immediately got hurt and missed the rest of the game. Remember when Calvin Johnson used to be awesome? You know, two weeks ago?
The "Don't Nobody Wanna See Hulk Hogan's Boy Naked" Award - Tight Ends
Martellus Bennett, 4.7 pts
Larry Donnell, 0 pts
Zach Ertz, 6.9 pts
Jimmy Graham, 5.6 pts
Brandon Myers, 0 pts
Delanie Walker, 8.7 pts
And the Screwy goes to Larry Donnell.
Jimmy Graham got 5.6? Woof. But his team still pulled it out. Brandon Myers pulled it out, too. And by "it", I mean a big ol' dukie log. But he's a Buc and the Bucs suck. But Mr. "I benched myself the week I scored 3 TDs" Donnell who averaged 6 catches a game going into Week 5 had nothing except the fond memories of Week 4 to keep him warm this past week. Zero points? This is an abomination, pure and simple. It's egregious. Inflammatory. Odious and unspeakable. And those are just the vowels. It's also blasphemous, cringeworthy, disrespectful, flagrant, ghastly, horrendous...
The "Kangaroo Feet To The Gut" Award - Kickers
Dan Bailey, 8 pts
Matt Bryant, 8 pts
Nick Novak, 7 pts
Adam Vinatieri, 8 pts
Blair Walsh, 4 pts
And the Screwy goes to Kangaroo stomachs.
TBM: Oh. Okay. If you wanna see the five minute version, right here. Otherwise, IDP.
The "Cardinals Have Maxed Out Obamacare" Award - Individual Defensive Players
Demario Davis (LB), 5.5 pts
Cameron Heyward (DL), 0.5 pts
Kyle Fuller (DB), 2.5 pts
D'Qwell Jackson (LB), 4 pts
Chandler Jones (DL), 0 pts
Brandon Marshall (LB), 2.5 pts
Clay Matthews (LB), 1 pt
Rob Ninkovich, 2.5 pts
And the Screwy goes to Chandler Jones.
Circle gets the square. We got a big ol' goose egg from Jones for no explained reason. Clay Matthews was quickly on his way to the podium to accept the award. He's all name and no fantasy production. But you can't win when someone else is losing so badly. Wha-huh? It makes sense. And Chandler makes nothing.
The "Beats By Dre Got Beat By Bose" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Cincinnati Bengals, 1 pt
Arizona Cardinals, 4 pts
Atlanta Falcons, 8 pts
New York Giants, 6 pts
Seattle Seahawks, 6 pts
Houston Texans, 6 pts
And the Screwy goes to the Cincinnati Bengals.
Okay, the voters screwed up on this one; the Bengals fantasy team won with a ridiculous amount of points. But the wildcats D only contributed one. Against the Patriots. A team that got stomped by the Chiefs a week ago. Patriots did the stomping this week. Those aren't stripes on the Bengals' helmets; those are lashes.
The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Philip Rivers, 30.7 pts for decking Detox
Kendall Wright, 27 pts for declawing Detox
Peyton Manning, 43.9 pts for berating B.F. Vandal Savages
Andre Ellington, 28.4 pts for boffing B.F. Vandal Savages
Stephen Gostkowski, 19 pts for barfing up B.F. Vandal Savages
Andrew Luck, 24.8 pts for hurting Hitmen
Drew Brees, 24.5 pts for arrivederci-ing Allstate Mayhem
Matt Forte, 26.6 pts for mayhemming Allstate Mayhem
Russell Wilson, 40.2 pts for damaging Da,Pope
Demaryius Thomas, 42.6 pts for dumping Da,Pope
Arian Foster, 30.2 pts for sassafrassing Savage Life
Greg Olsen, 25.2 pts for stabbing Savage Life
And the Screwy goes to Hustle Wilson.
Peyton may have become only the second person ever to throw 500 touchdowns, and Demaryius may have helped him inch even closer to Favre by snagging 2 of them while running the length of two football fields. But Russell Wilson? Man! He can throw the ball. He can run the ball. He can take the ball to prom. He can get the ball elected governor. He can pilot the ball through a black hole and come out younger on the other side. There's nothing he can't do. They wanna proclaim Wilson and Luck the new Brady and Manning and I'm inclined to agree. Which I guess makes Newton the new McNabb, Griffin the new Vick, Tannehill the new Orton...
The "Mascots Carry Ebola" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Jay Cutler, 29.6 pts
Philadelphia Eagles, 20 pts
Nick Foles, 20.6 pts
Rob Gronkowski, 22 pts
T Y Hilton, 18 pts
DeSean Jackson, 26.7 pts
Vincent Jackson, 22.4 pts
Colin Kaepernick, 17.8 pts
Cam Newton, 22.6 pts
Brian Quick, 25.7 pts
Mohamed Sanu, 18 pts
Golden Tate, 26.4 pts
Pierre Thomas, 27.2 pts
And the Screwy goes to the Philadelph--what is Rob Gronkowski doing on the bench?!
Sure, Delanie Walker has had some good games. But you can't bench Gronkowski. You can never bench Gronkowski. Even if he shows up in two casts wearing a pair of Beats headphones and a "Let Adrian Peterson Play" t-shirt while doing the "Heil, Hitler" salute, you don't take him out of the lineup. If he's playin', he's stayin'.
It's time to unbutton your vest and put those dogs up to rest. That's all from the 3rd Annual Frosted Flakes Corn Flakes Bran Flakes Dandruff Flakes Screwy Awards!
In a different sport... I'm happy for the St. Louis Cardinals moving on in the playoffs and disappointed for Cardinals fans as we have these asswipes sitting among us representing St. Louis to the rest of the nation. Is it just me or are the Cardinals fans in the video in that link reminiscent of southern desegregation protesters from the 1960s? Wrong side of history, people. Sorry. I mean "asswipes". Wrong side of history, asswipes.
There's still plenty of time for you--any of you--to tell your fond fantasy football story during our season-long celebration of ten years of Gateway Fantasy Football. It doesn't have to be about Gateway. You don't even have to limit it to one. If you've got a bunch, let's have 'em all. Just call, email, text, or carrier pigeon your story in extreme detail--the more info, the better--and I'll share it in one of this season's articles.
The State of the League is coming up soon. We currently have two 0-5 teams, which I don't think has ever happened in the history of ever in this league. They play each other this week which means either B.F. Vandal Savages or Detox will be the happiest team in Gateway come Monday night while the other will be browsing team rosters for next year's number one pick.
We could have three 5-win teams next week or only one. All the games are pretty evenly matched, so it looks like the bye week will be settling the score.
I feel like I've gone into overtime and I'm sure your eyeballs do too. For all the histrionic baby mama's out there, good night and drive safe.
~That 'Hood Living Mofo~