That Bearded Mofo

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Published Tue Nov 3, 2015 11:15pm PST

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This week was craaaazy. So many people injured. So many people fired. Or simply not wanted. You know what I didn't want? I didn't want to get my attention hijacked by five quarters of a sloppy Monday Night Football game just to see my fantasy team come up short. Three interceptions, Andrew Luck??? Oooh, that bearded mofo...

What else happened that made this week so crazy? A high speed car accident ejected the (dearly departed) driver up onto the freeway sign. A Taco Bell corporate exec got caught going ham on an Uber driver. Leah Remini is going in hard on the leaders of Scientology. And Ohio said no thanky thanks to the stanky dank. You ask why do I say that last one is crazy? Because people actually voted on a non-Presidential year. Cray-zee!

And you know what else is crazy? The points. Gateway's season of big ass scores just keeps rolling on. Just one week after the 2nd highest mark was set, Allstate Mayhem reset it with a murderous 187.3. This is the 3rd straight week that the 2nd highest score of the season has been marked. (Hitmen and The Black & The Goaled claimed the previous two.)

*sniff sniff*

Do you smell that? Oh boy! That's not yak fur soaked in pickle brine. That's the stench of mediocrity and sorriness. That's the arrival of tonight's honorees for the Nine West North Face Twelve South Eastbay Annual Screwy Awards! Let's rip open that first envelope for the quarterwacks.

The "49ers Refers To The Number Of Players No Longer Starting For Them" Award - Quarterbacks
Ryan Fitzpatrick, 3.5 pts
Aaron Rodgers, 6.9 pts
Matthew Stafford, 13.3 pts
Ryan Tannehill, 11 pts

And the Screwy goes to Aaron Rodgers.
Fitzpatrick got robbed here. I mean, three-and-a-half points? He got hurt and caused the fate of the Jets and Marshall/Decker owners to be in the hands of *gulp* Geno Smith. That's a Screwy-winning performance if I've ever seen one. But we're talking six-and-a-half from Aaron Rodgers here. AARON RODGERS. My God. Everyone expected this game to be something big, but not by resulting in something so small. I know Denver's D is tougher than week-old meatloaf, but you're Aaron Rodgers. What happened? This game was in Mile High. Maybe Rodgers was a mile high. Weed is legal in Colorado. Look, I have no idea if Rodgers smokes. In fact, I doubt it. But if you told me three days ago that Rodgers wouldn't score 7, I'd say one of us must be high.

The "Quick! Buy Stock In MCL Surgeries" Award - Running Backs
Le'Veon Bell, 6.8 pts
Justin Forsett, 7.9 pts
Matt Forte, 8.9 pts
Melvin Gordon, 8.6 pts
Chris Ivory, 5.6 pts
Chris Johnson, 6.9 pts
Doug Martin, 8.3 pts
Marshawn Lynch, 9.2 pts
Danny Woodhead, 5.5 pts

And the Screwy goes to Chris Ivory.
Ivory had 15 carries for 17 yards. He needs a whoopin' for that. This is Ivory's worst fantasy performance since the infamous sideline game of Week 3. They were losing to Oakland, so they couldn't spend a lot of time with the running game. And like I said before, Geno Smi--*hurrrrgh* Geno--*hrwrark urrgggh* You get the idea. Those are the excuses. But Mr. Chris averaged 24.07 in non-injury games through the first six weeks. Now 8.95 over the last two. Uh huh. Chris, go pick a switch.

The best runner of the week was OKC's D.J. Augustin.

The "Dallas's Bryant Likes To Monkey Around With Dallas Bryant" Award - Wide Receivers
Davante Adams, 1.8 pts
Danny Amendola, 2.1 pts
Travis Benjamin, 5.6 pts
John Brown, 0 pts
Randall Cobb, 9.7 pts
Amari Cooper, 9.8 pts
Mike Evans, 7.8 pts
James Jones, 1.2 pts
Emmanuel Sanders, 4.2 pts
Kendall Wright, 6.8 pts

And the Screwy goes to John Brown.
F**k you, Cardinals. Fantasy owners got up early and suffered through that London beatdown the Chiefs put on the Lions just so they could find out as soon as possible if Brown was down to go to town. And what do they get? Brown is active and pulls a Chris Ivory. The Cardinals said--after the fact, of course--that they only planned to use John Brown if things got out of hand. Really? What was his imperfect hamstring going to do late in the game that Fitzgerald, Floyd, and the other Brown couldn't all game long? Exactly. F**k you, Cardinals.

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Not you, Cardinals. You stay classy.

The "Sheep Farts Are The Ultimate Weapon In Biological Terrorism" Award - Tight Ends
Martellus Bennett, 6.2 pts
Tyler Eifert, 7.9 pts
Antonio Gates, 9.6 pts
Richard Rodgers, 3.6 pts
Kyle Rudolph, 4.2 pts
Jason Witten, 3.6 pts

And the Screwy goes to... Mannn, can they all get it? I mean, Rodgers, Rudolph, and Witten combined had less than 12. Can we do that? Can we give the award to three people? You say we can? Because it's an imaginary prize? Well okay then. Screwy goes to Richard Rodgers, Kyle Rudolph, and Jason Witten.
Rudolph, Rodgers, and Witten
Had some very crummy games.
And if you ever saw them
You would freakin' curse their names.
All of the other tight ends
Actually caught the ball a bit.
They didn't win the Screwy
Even though they all were shit.
Then one foggy football eve,
Goodell came to say,
"Rudolph, Rodgers, and Witten,
Play like you got your
WHAT?! bitten."
Now all the tight ends hate him.
And every other player too.
But Rudolph, Rodgers, and Witten
Were stinky yucky trash doo doo.

The "I Don't Know Who This Earl Niño Fella Is, But He Needs To Stop Playing With My Weather" Award - Kickers
Mason Crosby, 6 pts
Josh Lambo, 6 pts
Greg Zuerlein, 5 pts

And the Screwy goes to Mason Crosby.
Because damn, Packers. Damn.

The "La'el Collins Turns Defenders Into Crash Test Dummies" Award - Individual Defensive Players

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"The Blacklist is on now. Move!"

Michael Bennett (DL), 2.5 pts
Calais Campbell (DL), 2.5 pts
Aaron Donald (DL), 1.5 pts
Carlos Dunlap (DL), 2 pts
Jaye Howard (DL), 1.5 pts
Cameron Jordan (DL), 1 pt
Kawann Short (DL), 1.5 pts
Jacquies Smith (DL), 2 pts
Jamie Collins (LB), 1.5 pts
Thomas Davis (LB), 1.5 pts
Lavonte David (LB), 4.5 pts
Bobby Wagner (LB), 4.5 pts
Antoine Bethea (DB), on IR pts
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix (DB), 4.5 pts
Rashad Johnson (DB), 4.5 pts
Dwight Lowery (DB), 4 pts
Tyrann Mathieu (DB), 3.5 pts
Marcus Peters (DB), 3.5 pts
Jimmy Smith (DB), 3 pts

And the Screwy goes to Thomas Davis.
Davis Sr, as it says on the back of his jersey, never scored less than 7 fantasy points this season before this game. He had two sacks, two interceptions, and a host of tackles entering this game, but somehow he can't do anything against Andrew Luck in a monsoon? That's weak sauce.

The "Yo' Protester So Fat, When He Hangs Around The Stadium He Really Hangs Around The Stadium" Award - Defense/Special Teams
San Francisco 49ers, 3.7 pts
Cleveland Browns, 8.3 pts
Atlanta Falcons, 7.6 pts
New York Jets, -0.1 pts
Green Bay Packers, 0 pts
Seattle Seahawks, 5.6 pts

And the Screwy goes to... Hmm. Zero, negative one? Zero, negative one? Zero is really bad and I'm really hating on the Packers today because their game was horrible. But when you're taking away from the score, that's an automatic qualifier. It goes to the Screw York Jets.
First the Mets, then the Jets. Actually, it was the other way around, since the Jets played before Game 5 was-- Nevermind. It's not important. Continue, me. New York is heartbroken this weekend after losing the World Series. And to add insult to injury, their Jets allowed 34 points to the Raiders along with 333 passing yards. To. The. Raiders. Trip yo'self. Jets D was supposed to be big stuff this season, and they had the fantasy numbers early on. But it was like there was something about that New England game the week prior that completely changed this team, in the defense and running game particulary.

The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Odell Beckham Jr., 39 pts for sacrificing Savage Life
Brandin Cooks, 26.8 pts for saké bombing Savage Life
Alshon Jeffery, 27.6 pts for sitting on Savage Life
Kansas City Chiefs, 18.3 pts for sandbagging Savage Life
Luke Kuechly, 15 pts for Supermanning Savage Life
Cam Newton, 25.5 pts for gumping GameTime Decision
Julio Jones, 32.2 pts for gouging GameTime Decision
Tom Brady, 41.9 pts for raking RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
A.J. Green, 28.8 pts for rolling RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
Drew Brees, 65.6 pts for blowing up Back 2 Black (Charged UP)
Julian Edelman, 27.1 pts for bucking Back 2 Black (Charged UP)
Philip Rivers, 33 pts for inebriating Detox
DeAndre Hopkins, 23.4 pts for blocking The Black & The Goaled
Rob Gronkowski, 23.3 pts for bricking The Black & The Goaled

And the Screwy goes to Drew Brees, Devourer of Worlds.
Let me check the spelling on this. New Orleans Saints: N-E-W--O-R-L-E-A-N-S--S-A-I-N-T-S. Okay, now New York Giants: N-E-W--Y-O-R-K--G-I-A-N-T-S. Yep, checks out. No D. No D anywhere to be found among these two. How was that game a thing? Most TDs ever thrown by a quarterback in a single game is 7. This game almost had both QBs match it. 65.6! Even when adjusted for scoring changes throughout the years, that's more than Vick's 2010 Week 10 six TD game (60.6 pts) or Peyton's 2013 Week 1 seven TD game (65.1 pts). If there's a Brees owner out there who didn't win his fantasy game this week, put him on suicide watch.

The "Senator Marco Rubio" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
C.J. Anderson, 17.1 pts
Tavon Austin, 25.9 pts
Derek Carr, 40.6 pts
Marques Colston, 25.4 pts
Michael Crabtree, 23.2 pts
Jay Cutler, 23.6 pts
Ronnie Hillman, 18.5 pts
Eli Manning, 53.5 pts
Carson Palmer, 41.3 pts
Matt Ryan, 29 pts
Willie Snead, 24.6 pts
Houston Texans, 20.1 pts
Benjamin Watson, 29.7 pts
Jameis Winston, 23.2 pts

And the Screwy goes to Eli Manning.
Seriously, how the f**k was that game a thing! There are two 40-point QBs on this list and they don't mean jack because Eli is sitting here with more points than there are states in the union. In the non-passer positions, it's strange to see C.J. pop up on this list. He's been more of a Running Backs award nominee this season. And Crabtree... Why oh why didn't I stick with the 3-wide plan! The Texans D went all out and got the Titans coach fired. But Ben Watson, he really deserved this award. With 27 targets over the last 3 weeks, why was he even on the bench?

It's time to pour out the punch and punch the paparazzi. That's all from the 10 Things I Hate About You 20/20 30 For 30 This Is 40 2015 Screwy Awards!

Looks like Week 8 only shook up the center of the standings, leaving the top and bottom completely untouched. Places 5 through 9 got jumbled like your earbuds when you look away for one second. I just straightened you out. Stop doing that! RACKS and GameTime who were on top of the middle dropped to the bottom of it while STLiens rose one spot to the middle middle. Allstate broke his losing streak in spectacular fashion as mentioned above, propelling him from 9th to 6th. And EXPLOSIVE, coming off his second 175-plus game in the last three weeks, climbed to the top of the middle pack.

There are 4 conference games next week and 6 NFL teams on bye. Yikes. That loud sigh you hear is the collective disgusted resignation of fantasy owners picking up Blaine Gabbert.

~That How Was That A Thing Mofo~

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