That Bearded Mofo

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I've Got Connections

Published Mon Mar 17, 2014 10:45pm PST

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I thought I would introduce you to a favorite game of mine. Those of you who have skimmed my fantasy football articles may be familiar with the game of association. But for those of you who haven't--And why haven't you? It's only 50% about sports. The other 50% is pop culture and everybody likes pop culture. Why don't you like pop culture?--ahem...


But for those of you who haven't, here's how it's played. It's like "connect the dots" meets "six degrees of separation" with the intent of determining whether the news of the world makes any doggone sense. For instance, if we wanted to test whether or not the Congressional Black Caucus should have found offense in Congressman Paul Ryan's remarks regarding inner city poverty, all we have to do is follow the crumbs.

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Paul Ryan > Paul Bunyan > Big Blue Ox > In Living Color > "Homey don't play that!"

4 connections say Ryan needs to be whopped on the head with a sock full of Ayn Rand novels. Keep in mind, the fewer the connections, the stronger the likelihood. And now that you know how the game is played, let's get started with our first ever political edition.

Association 1
The Russian Federation and its President Vladimir Putin continue to deny that the Russian-speaking soldiers that have taken up roots in Crimea are in any way part of the Russian Federation army. Between the noogie it gave the country Georgia back in 2008, its bashing of gays, and now stealing Ukraine's girlfriend Crimea, is Russia trying to establish itself as king bully of the play yard?

Russia > White Russian > The Dude > Hey Dude > Nickelodeon > You Can't Do That On Television > Smut > Butt > Cigar > Hannibal of The A-Team > Hannibal the Cannibal > The Silence of the Lambs

With 11 connections, I guess Russia's just as meek as a little bitty lamb. Or does that mean it's a wolf-like killer of lambs? Hmmm... I smell Cold War II a-brewing.

Association 2
Chris Christie has seen his 2016 Presidential hopes disintegrating like a United States bridge thanks to...well, a bridge. Bridgegate continues to embroil Christie as aides continue to step down and the pool of detractors who believe he lied about his level of involvement continues to grow. Is it possible that Governor Christie was actually behind the George Washington Bridge lane closures?

Chris Christie > Agatha Christie > Whodunit? > Who did it and ran? > Looks like Boo Boo > Yogi Bear > Smarter than your average... > Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? > Jeff Foxworthy > "You might be a redneck" > Bowling pin > Bowling ball > Rush Limbaugh > Full of air > Goodyear > Goodell > Football head > Stewie Griffin > Brian Griffin > White dog > Mr. Peabody > Know-it-all

Hmm. 21 connections say Christie's accusers have a case. Not a very strong one, though. Let's run it up the flagpole one more time to see what we get.

Chris Christie > Kinda fat > John Goodman > Good men > A Few Good Men > "Did you order the code red?" > "You're goddamn right I did!"

I personally prefer to steer clear of Christie's weight--as do small children and pets. Ba-zing!

Again, sorry.

I don't like bringing Christie's weight into the conversation, but 6 connections is stronger than any story they've put up on MSNBC.

Association 3
This isn't necessarily political, but Pinkberry co-founder Young Lee was sentenced to 7 years in prison for assaulting a homeless man. (And Lee used to be homeless himself!) Could someone so closely associated with light, delicious, cutesy frozen yogurt be such a violent offender?

Frozen yogurt > Frozen banana > "There's always money in the banana stand. [wink]" > Arrested Development > "Tennessee" > "...because you're the only ten I see. [wink]" > Pick-up line > Pick-up game > Video game > Super Mario Bros. > Bowser > Browser > Mozilla > Godzilla > Rampaging beast

14 connections prove that froyo can drive you mad, yo. So beware the celery of desserts.

Association 4
President Barack Obama recently appeared on Funny Or Die's Between Two Ferns hosted by Hangover comedian Zach Galifianakis. Republican mouthpieces say this skit demeaned the office of the President. Others say it was a brilliant move to promote Affordable Care Act enrollment to young people. (Visits to did increase 40% after the video.) Did Obama do good or did he do bad?

Obama > 44 > 42 > Jackie Robinson > Mrs. Robinson > The Graduate > Post-graduate > Postmaster > Postmaster General > General Schwarzkopf > Hard to spell > Gyllenhaal > Source Code > The Source > Hip hop magazine > XXL > XFL > He Hate Me > "Haters gonna hate"

18 connections say our President would get criticism if he saved a baby and a puppy from a burning building while giving the Heimlich to a choking little old lady he helped cross the street. Doesn't matter what he does, so if you see Obama, tell him, "Do you."

Association 5
Supposedly, Toronto's admitted crack-smoking mayor Rob Ford is in a feud with Oscar-winning House Of Cards star Kevin Spacey. Really?

Rob Ford > Crack rock > Chris Rock > "I'm not saying he shoulda killed her... But I understand." > O. J. > Orange juice > Orange soda > "Who loves orange soda?" "K-k-k-kel loves orange soda." "Is it true?" "Mmhmm. I do I do I do-oooo!" > Kenan & Kel > Good Burger > Fatburger > Astro Burger > Astro the dog > Elroy Jetson > L. Ron Hubbard > Dianetics > Diabetes > The Sugar > Sugar and spice and everything nice > Girls > HBO's Girls > Nepotism > Favoritism > Pick and choose > Pick and roll > Kaiser roll > Keyser Soze > Kevin Spacey

Whew! I guess 27 links say there is something to it. But there shouldn't be.

That's all for this edition of the association game. Remember, the truth is like the candy at the bottom of your grandma's purse: You have to dig real deep to find it. And sometimes it's just a Ricola.

~That Connecting Mofo~

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