3
APR 2015
Published Sat Apr 11, 2015 6:15pm PST
It's been a while since I told of one of my horrific trips to Walmart. There's a good reason for that.
I stopped going to Walmart.
As previously stated, I hate loathe revile going to Walmart, but I deemed it a necessary evil because the store is cost-effective for someone like me who is on a diaper budget. A diaper budget is when you only have enough money for diapers or food, which is really crazy for me because I don't have any kids. On a side note, if you find yourself having to choose between food and diapers, I suggest you buy food that can double as diapers: tortillas, lettuce, crepes... I call it the diaper diet. Trademark.
If so, "trademark" on these too.
So if my dislike for treading inside the I.Q.-dampening walls of Walmart is not what has kept me from going back, then what was it?
During Thanksgiving season 2013, the Internet went wild about a Walmart in Ohio that was having a food drive for the needy. I thought, "Why the outrage? Walmart could use the press about such a tenderhearted action." Then I read closer and learned that the needy in this case were its own employees. The food drive was for Walmart employees to donate canned goods for less fortunate fellow employees.
"That's a damn shame," I said. Or at least I would have if my jaw hadn't been clenched in rage. It's one thing to be wealthy while your employees starve. It's a despicable thing, but it's one thing. It's another thing to be wealthy and put forth the wealth redistribution model of the poor giving to the extremely poor.
It's no surprise to anyone that Walmart is number 1 on the Fortune 500 list. The wealth of the Walton family has been discussed and decried at length by many, many people better and worse than me. And their history of marketplace destruction and employee mistreatment is no secret. I'm not blowing the lids off of any doors here.
In fact, you may remember in Tales From Walmart issue 1, I stated I didn't care about Walmart's shitty practices. And I thought I didn't. Turns out that was a fib for the sake of comedic effect. I did care. I cared so much that, this Thanksgiving debacle that occurred 2,000 miles away from me did what dozens of horrific personal experiences never could: stopped me from ever going to Walmart again.
Make no mistake, it is a debacle. When you type "food drive for" into Google, this is the first autofill that comes up:
Above the homeless and veterans. That means more Internet users look into the plight of people who sell TVs than the plight of people who sleep in TV boxes. C'mon, Walmart.
Surely the blowback from that 2013 debacle made the Waltons realize the image problem they have and what a mistake it was to have a Walmart employee food drive.
Nah, another store did it again in 2014. So some Walmart employees came up with their own little collection bin to place outside Alice Walton's posh home.
Look, the Waltons don't have to pay their employees a decent wage. That's their right. But I don't have to support their dark hearts. That's my right.
So, adios, Walmart. It was fun while it lasted. No it wasn't. That's a damn lie. I will not miss your cramped aisles. Your wraparound checkout lines. Your psycopathic--Holy crap! I won't have any more Walmart tales!
Yeah. That just hit me. No more Tales From Walmart.
But it's me. Crazy people follow me wherever I go. Sure, Walmart is the home base of crazy operations, but the twenty foot radius around me seems to be the satellite campus. Maybe I can keep this series going. Maybe I'll regale you with future stories of the ridiculous in my 
~That Boycotting Mofo~