And Now One Mo' Riddle From The Joker Beast...
What has six thumbs and loves crushing opponents?
Now, grab your bowtie. It's time for the 34th Annual Screwy Awards! Today we celebrate the fantasy players who sucked balls in week three and screwed you in your game. First category, Stingiest Defense. And the nominees are...
Redskins, 5 pts
Cardinals, 1 pt
Aw, who are we kidding? The Screwy goes to the Cardinals.
This is the 15th nomination and 2nd win for the Cardinals. Rumor has it that Khloe Kardashian plays DE for the Redbirds, but this goes unconfirmed as watching even one Cardinals defensive down turns the viewer to stone.
John Kasay, 1 pt
George Blanda, 0 pt
Your mother, 0 dollars
And the Screwy goes to John Kasay.
A great win by Kasay who was such an astounding screw-up that he even failed to keep owner Ol School from losing the game, hence screwing up the screw up. Remarkable.
Tight-ass Tight Ends
John Carlson, 5 pts
Ben Watson, 3 pts
Kellen Winslow, 4 pts
Dustin Keller, 4 pts
Tony Gonzalez, 2 pts
And the Screwy goes to Tony Gonzalez.
This is the 1st nomination and 1st win by Tony G. The headline "Gonzalez Hits A Wallz" appeared in Atlanta newspapers yesterday as predicted by the Joker Beast in last week's column.
Drew Brees, 7 pts
Trent Edwards, 6 pts
Matt Ryan, 9 pts
And the Screwy goes to...tough call...no it's not...Drew Brees.
Drew. C'mon, Drew, really? No TDs? You're Drew F*cking Brees. You drop TDs when you're squatting on the toilet. You can't do that, man. You just can't do that.
Ruiningest Running Back
Tim Hightower, 5.5 pts
Clinton Portis, 4.5 pts
Darren Sproles, 6 pts
Frank Gore, 0 pts
And the Screwy goes to Frank Gore.
This is the 4th nomination and 19th injury for Frank Gore. He was previously injured watching a Coors Light fired head coach commercial.
Wimpiest Wide Receiver
Laurent Robinson, 4pts
Braylon Edwards, 6 pts
Santanio Holmes, 2 pts
T.J. Houshmandzadeh, 5 pts
Roddy White, 6 pts
Terrell Owens, 0 pts
And the Screwy goes to Terrell Owens.
This is the 1st nomination and 1st win for Terrell Owens and asks again, "Why the f*ck did you go to Buffalo?!"
And our final category of the evening...
Biggest Bench Performer
Jason Campbell, 29 pts
Tom Brady, 19 pts
Pierre Thomas, 24 pts
Randy Moss, 21 pts
DeSean Jackson, 26 pts
Steve Smith (NYG), 19 pts
Vernon Davis, 28 pts
Cowboys, 27 pts
And the Screwy goes to--Wait a minute!
What in the HELL are Tom Brady, Randy Moss, and DeSean Jackson doing on the bench?!! What-- For the love of-- I don't understand. I just don't understand.
Anyway. Good night from the--
Even Steve Smith! My God, who else is Eli gonna throw to?! What in the hell is going on?
Relax your bow ties and forgetcha popcorn. That's all from the 65th Annual Screwys. Good night, good luck, and Dub Pope sucks. (I'm coming for you!)
|Team Perfection (Ryan Bridges) says,|
|Sep 29, 2009 8:16:33 AM PST|
|I love it, TW lol. Keep 'em comin' lol. I especially like the comment about Drew Brees lol.|
|Black da Ass Clown (Nathaniel Hunter) says,|
|Sep 29, 2009 12:54:47 PM PST|
|Hilarious, but you forgot about the screwiest uniforms. I would let Zab Juddah hit me below the belt for 100 stacks but those Seattle uniforms not even for a mill ticket.|
|Light It Up (Anton Maclin) says,|
|Sep 29, 2009 6:58:27 PM PST|
|I like that TW. Good game last week|