That Bearded Mofo

And Now Some Handy Trivia From The Joker Beast...

Question: How do you know if hurricane winds will hit land?

Answer: If it's a gusty current, it's sure to continue inland, but if it's just a Brees it won't touchdown.

With both the school year and pigskin season now in full swing, I thought I'd help any of those unfamiliar with football terminology get educated in the sweet science*. Here are 7 definitions to improve your football vocabulary.
*Boxing is the sweet science, not football. But... I don't know. Why you bringing that up? FOOTBALL!

Stiff arm
Definition: A push by a ball carrier to ward off a tackler.
In a sentence: Raiders' owner/GM Al Davis frequently stiff arms quality football.
Or: The 49ers cheerleaders left me with a stiff arm.

Unabated to the quarterback
Definition: A defensive player charges across the line and through the neutral zone on his way to the quarterback before the ball is snapped.
In a sentence: My girlfriend thinks Mark Sanchez is hot; I walked in on her as she unabated to the quarterback.

Holding
Definition: A foul where a player impedes the movement of an opponent by grasping or hooking any part of his body or uniform.
In a sentence: The refs need to quit holding Tom Brady's hand.
Or: I am holding a Rams' score hostage. If you ever want to see a Ram score again, leave 20 million dollars in unmarked bills at the corner of Fat Chance and F@ck You Boulevard.

Sack
Definition: A tackle of the quarterback behind his line of scrimmage.
In a sentence: If Aaron Rogers gets tackled one more time, I'm gonna kick him in the sack.
Combo: Parcells asked Ricky Williams if he was holding 'cause he wanted to buy a sack.

Pylon
Definition: A short orange marker at each of the end zone's four corners.
In a sentence: Shawn Merriman used to pylon Tila Tequila.
Or: Did Ben Roethlisberger really pylon that chic--okay, I don't wanna finish that one.

Tuck rule
Definition: If the quarterback loses the ball while stopping his passing motion or while bringing the ball back to his body, it is considered a forward pass. Thus, if the ball hits the ground, it is considered an incomplete pass, not a fumble.
In a sentence: The Eagles crowd flinched when Ru Paul demonstrated his tuck rule.

Handcuff
Definition: In fantasy sports, having both a star player and his real-life teammate at the same position (usually running back) on the fantasy team roster as insurance for the star's injury.
In a sentence: Kim Kardashian handcuffed Pierre Thomas. And I ain't talkin' 'bout fantasy.
Or: Shoot, somebody handcuffed Michael Vick. And Plaxico Burress. And Donte Stallworth. And Pacman Jones. And Matt Jones. And Tank Johnson. And Michael Irvin. And Lawrence Taylor. And Jamal Anderson. And Rae Carruth.

I hope everyone found this lesson informative. Study up so you know what's going on this weekend when...I don't know...let's say Matt Cassel is sacked hard in the dirt. Or when the Jaguars are holding Nate Burleson to 0 catches for 0 yards. Or when the bruisers pylon Mario Manningham. Or Adrian Peterson gets stiff armed back in his own mouth. I don't know why I'm thinking of these players. Just pulling 'em out of thin air. Or when the Jets D bungles around like diarrhea's got their ankles handcuffed together. You get the picture. I'm just saying, it's a savage life out there, be prepared to lose.

~Joker Beast~