And Now Some Humble Praise From The Joker Beast...
Well we're at the halfway season mark now and we're really starting to see how it's shaping up. Last week was our first full slate of non-conference games. Six of the next seven weeks are chock full of conference and divisional matchups. Still plenty of time for everyone to grab for that conference lead and tasty paycheck.
But I promised some praise. A round of applause to Ol School. He did give me all I could handle, as promised. Zach Miller was a very formidable opponent.
{applause}
Now, a bigger round of applause for me. Because, you know, I won and all.
{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}{applause}
See how that works? I won. And winners are what matter. Not losers.
Speaking of losers, it's bowtie season again. That's right, time to pat backs with the 69th Annual Screwy Awards! Today we celebrate the fantasy players that leave your championship hopes like that Colorado weather balloon: floating away and ultimately empty. And now, to present our first category of the evening, Quick Death Quarterback, celebrity rookie quarterback of the New York Jets, Mark Sanchez...
{applause} {applause}
Oh. I apologize, folks. Mark was supposed to come, but he was intercepted on his way here. But don't worry. We're scrambling like Donovan McNabb in a collapsing pocket to bring you a celebrity by night's end. In the meantime...
Quick Death Quarterback
Donovan McNabb, 13 pts
Matt Hasselbeck, 2 pts
Fat Hasselbeck, 2 pts
Matt HassledBack, 2 pts
Tim Hasselbeck, 0 pts
Elisabeth Hasselbeck, The View pts
And the Screwy goes to Matt Hasselbeck.
This is the 1st nomination and win for Hasselbeck. He's best known for having less flavor than a mayonnaise sandwich on white bread with a side of water.
Rapiest Runningback
Jamal Lewis, 4 pts
Brandon Jacobs, 3.5 pts
Matt Forte, 5.5 pts
Kevin Smith, 6 pts
And the Screwy goes to Brandon Jacobs.
This is Brandon's 5th nomination and 1st Screwy win. He was previously nominated last week, the week before that, two weeks before that, and the week before that. He was once rejected from the end zone because the Line Judge didn't recognize him.
Shanked Kicker
Robbie Gould, 2 pts
John Kasay, 4 pts
Jason Elam, 3 pts
Rob Bironas, 0 pts
And the Screwy goes to Rob Bironas.
True fact: Footballs have stitches because Chuck Norris kicks each and every one of 'em.
Life is precious. As the NFL season ticks by, we take a moment to remember the players who lost fantasy relevance in the past year...
In Memoriam (season points)
Edgerrin James, 9 pts
{polite clapping}
Ladell Betts, 18 pts
Daunte Culpepper, 24 pts
{gentle applause continues}
Devery Henderson, 44 pts
Deion Branch, 19 pts
Michael Vick, 1 pt
{brief erupting applause}
Jake Delhomme, 46 pts
Eddie Royal, 31 pts
{applause gently rolls on}
Derrick Ward, 23 pts
Le'Ron McClain, 20 pts
LenDale White, 17 pts
{strong clapping and adoring cheers}
Terrell Owens, 38 pts
{near-deafening applause and cheerful salutes}
Gentlemen and gentlemen, to present the award for Terrible Tight End, San Francisco 49er Vernon Davis...
{applause} {applause}
Sorry. Sorry. He didn't show up. Boy, I tells ya. Cannot write with him. Cannot rehearse with him. Cannot present with him. Can't do it.
Terrible Tight End
Marcedes Lewis, 1 pt
Kellen Winslow, 5 pts
Randy McMichael, 6 pts
Ben Watson, 0 pts
Are you kidding me? Screwy obviously goes to Ben Watson.
The Patriots had 59 points. You couldn't get one of 'em?
A new category has been added this year to honor the fantasy player on the opposing team who did so much damage to your feelings.
Fantasy Bastard
DeAngelo Williams, 30 pts for halting Hitmen
Wes Welker, 37 pts for bludgeoning Black da Ass Clown
Marques Colston, 30 pts for defeating Dub, Pope
Matt Schaub, 41 pts for obliterating Ol School
Tom Brady, 55 pts for grilling Gridy
Randy Moss, 38 pts for strangling Savage Life
And the Screwy goes to 55 F*cking Points.
This is the 1,000,000th win for Tom Brady. He previously won for Best Number of Superbowl Rings, Best Wife, Best Paycheck, Best At Getting Hot Ass, Best Life In General, and Best Better-Than-You-In-Every-Way.
Here to present the award for D'oh! Defense/Special Teams, Grammy Award-winning country music artist Travis Tritt...
Naw, I'm just playing. But we're trying to get you a football celeb before the night is done. Promise. Maybe.
D'oh! Defense/Special Teams
Vikings, 4 pts
Bengals, 6 pts
Titans, -1 pt
And the Screwy goes to the Tennessee Titans.
This is the -1st nomination and the -1st win for the -Titans. It's also the -1st win for -pts of any Screwy category before. If only -pts could be awarded in real life football to show just how -terrible this team really is.
Whatchu Talkin' Bout Wide Receiver
Nate Burleson, 6 pts
Antonio Bryant, 5 pts
Jeremy Maclin, 1 pt
Steve Smith (CAR), 1 pt
Who will it be? Smith or Maclin? Maclin or Smith? Or the other guys? Probably not the other guys. Definitely not the other guys. The suspense is torturous. The Screwy goes to Steve Smith (CAR).
The fact that I even have to clarify which Steve Smith says it all. I think Steve Smith not getting the ball is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. Oh, by the way, this is the 1st nomination/win for Steve Smith and I hope to never nominate him again 'cause it's just too f*cking depressing.
And now, our final category of the evening, Biggest Bench Performer. And here to present the award, two-time Superbowl champion and Honorable Mention Biggest Bench Performer, Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.
Really, this time.
{applause} {applause}
Ben Roethlisberger: Good Evening. It's an honor to be here tonight to present this award. As mentioned, I am an Honorable Mention in this category because although I scored 30 points, the quarterback who started over me, Matt Schaub scored 41. So... It's an honor just to be mentioned. ... But it's a bigger honor to have two Superbowl rings. In real life. ... Loser.
Biggest Bench Performer
Brett Favre, 31 pts
Lee Evans, 16 pts
Visanthe Shiancoe, 20 pts
Steve Slaton, 21 pts
Heath Miller, 19 pts
Drew Brees, 42 pts
Devin Hester, 15 pts
Dwayne Bowe, 16 pts
Steven Jackson, 15 pts
Ray Rice, 35 pts
I'm sorry, does that say "Drew Brees, 42 pts"? Yeah, he gets the damn award.
What. In the hell?
What in THE hell?!
Whatinthehell?!!
Why is Drew Brees on the bench? I mean, look at these other points: Brett Favre, 31; Ray Rice, 35; Steve Slaton, 21. And yet, none of them worth talking about because Drew F*cking Brees is lighting up the scoreboard riding pine behind David Garrard. This is the worst mistake since Lil Mama got on stage at the MTV awards. This is the worst mistake since Will Ferrell's Land of the Lost. This is the worst mistake since throwback AFL ref uniforms. This is the worst mistake since gumby fades. This is the worst mistake since carrying your loaded gun in the waistband of your sweatpants.
Well, untie your bowtie, kick off your shoes, and bust out of that cumberbund. That's all from the 88th Annual Screwys.
And oh, one more: That's the worst mistake since Hitmen go'n try to come at me this weekend.
Good night.
~Joker Beast~