That Bearded Mofo

First ArticlePrev Article
Next Article Latest Article

And Now A Haiku* From The Joker Beast...

*Haiku: a Japanese poem having three unrhymed lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables.

How come when I play
Savage Life his team scores ten
touchdowns on me? Boooooo!


Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!
Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!
Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!



Let's take a peek into the old Joker Beast emailbag.

D. Brees from the NOLA writes,
Joker Beast, I heard what you been saying about me not getting touchdowns the last couple weeks. Well I was on Bye this week, so now what?
JB: Another week with no TDs for you. Now you're not even trying.

M. Singletary from San Fran writes,
JB, why do I look like a Ninja Turtle?
JB: You just do, son. You just do.

L.J. from K.C. writes,
Beast, what happened to me?
JB: You fell off the map... Face down onto the donkey d**k which you now suck.

Rob R. from Ol School HQ writes,
Am I go'n lose to you this week?
JB: You damn right you go'n lose to me this week.

Terrell O. from The T.O. Show writes,
Vick and Plaxico got two years in prison for their crimes. How long do I have to stay with the Bills?
JB: I think you were sentenced under the three strikes rule. So, probably life. Your best bet is to force a dog to shoot you in the leg, and maybe the courts will take you away from that Buffalo misery.

Kanye W. from Chicago writes,
Rush Limbaugh doesn't care about Black people.
JB: Sure, thanks for the comment.

R. Limbaugh from The Lake of Fire writes,
I really don't. But my question for you is, what can I do to make the citizens of St. Louis accept me so I can buy the Rams with little resistance?
JB: My question for you is, is there truth to the rumor that you're only interested in the Rams because financially they're not in the black?

Anton M. from Light It Up HQ writes,
Enough Where's the Fantasy Psychic?
JB: Aw, c'mon. Doelow's good. But, uh... Where is the Fantasy Psychic?

Derek A. from Cleveland writes,
I completed 2 passes for 17 attempts. We still beat Buffalo, but I think I should feel lousy. Should I feel lousy?
JB: You completed three passes if you include the interception.

Jamarcus R. from Oakland writes,
I have one win already this season. No, really, I do. The way I play, is there a chance I can lead my team to victory again?
JB: Do you play the Buffalo Bills?

J. Maclin from Philly writes,
How come nobody picked me up this week?
JB: You weren't supposed to do that.

M. Austin from Dallas writes,
How come nobody picked me up this week?
JB: (shrug)

DeSean J. from Philadelphia writes,
Beast, I'm worth more than Braylon Edwards, right?
JB: Twenty-four hours ago, I'd have said, "Yes. That's pretty apparent to almost everyone." But I guess Braylon was out to make some of us look like fools. I still say "yes" in the long run. But you might want to have Tony Soprano talk to Jeremy Maclin after what happened Sunday. Or Tom Cable. Yeah, talk to Tom Cable. But hurry, he might be unavailable for 30 days pretty soon.

Demerrio G. from Gladiators HQ writes,
You sure Ol School's team is gonna lose this week?
JB: I'm not sure he's even gonna have a team this week.

Andre J. from Houston writes,
Hey J-Beast, you see me bounce through three defenders on my way to the endzone? Who's the real beast?
JB: This guyyyyy! thumbsupthumbsupthumbsupthumbsup

Coach Denny G. from the United Football League writes,
JB, why don't you and everybody start playing fantasy over here at the UFL?
JB: Because you are who we thought you were!

Alphonso W. from Madden Curse HQ writes,
I put foot to ass this week.
JB: Sorry, I couldn't hear you over all the point explosions.

Striped Socks from Denver writes,
The ugliness! The ugliness! Why are we doing this?!
JB: Between the AFL anniversary and Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I now can only see in black-and-white.

Barack O. from Washington, D.C. writes,
Did you hear I won the Nobel Peace prize? Next, I've challenged the Redskins to a one-on-eleven match at FedEx Field. And I'm gonna win.
JB: So? Who couldn't beat the Redskins? Please, just tell Congress "B*tch, be quiet!" and push this healthcare bill through already.

Wade P. from Dallas writes,
Joker, am I gonna get fired soon?
JB: Well, I don't think the situation is all that bad. Here, let's take a look at your--Holy sh*t!! You went to overtime against the Chiefs?! They lost to the Raiders. Okay, okay. It's all right. You should be--Jesus!!! Your Offensive Coordinator is paid more than you?!?! Your offense sucks. I'm not understanding this situation. But okay. I'm sure you can move past it. You don't cost much, so as long as the team remains financially stable, I'm sure you'll be fine. Just make sure they don't go into any big money spending ventures, you know, like building some giant ass stadium that can be seen from space. Or a video screen that stretches from 20 yard line to...20...yard... It was nice knowing you Wade.

R. Wayne from Indy writes,
There's no way Ol School is gonna be able to win this week.
JB: I know. You guys enjoy your bye.

M. Crabtree from Frisco writes,
M.C. Hammer pushed me and the Niners to the table and we got the deal done. How do I thank him?
JB: Touchdown dance: HAMMERTIME! Uh oh...uh oh, uh oh, uh oh,...uh oh, uh oh! Here come the Hammer!! Genie pants are not optional.

Simeon R. from New York writes,
Hey Beast, I play in the UFL now. Yep. Career done. I play for the New York Sentinels which means I either play for a fake team from Any Given Sunday or some X-Men badguys. Either way, I must have a lot else going for me 'cause it says so on my personal profile from
"Simeon Rice also began a career in the record industry. He has started his own Hip-Hop/R&B record label, named 'Lucid Dream Entertainment.' Yashi, his younger sister, was his first signee."
Now why in the hell did they mention that bit about my sister? Makes my label sound garbage. G*ddamn! I can't win for losing. I mean, my name means "ape", for Christ's sake!! Sh*t!!! I'm f*cking sick of this s**t!!!!
JB: (o_O)
Catch the UFL on Versus.

Enough email. Sorry I couldn't get to them all, but I'll leave you with an encouraging haiku to put on your mirror.

Please enjoy your week,
'cause Sunday you meet defeat
from ~The Joker Beast~.

Comments (aka, the worst part of the Internet):
Make sure you're logged in. If you're not, I'd suggest copying all that text you just wrote before it goes bye-bye.

Team Perfection (Ryan Bridges) says,
Oct 14, 2009 7:39:06 AM PST
I love it, Joker?. Keep up the good work and keep 'em comin' every week :thumbsup: