TBM: A B C D E F Me!
This week, a winless St. Louis team defeated a high-flying passing offense. And the Rams won a game, too. Congratulations to Black Magic for continuing the streak of making my column mentions backfire on me. And congratulations to all of this week's winners in what's shaping out to be a very competitive league.
But on to the good stuff. I went trick-or-treating this year, but instead of candy, all I got were learnin' books. Who wants to learn about readin' and writin' when there's sweets to be eatin'? You do! So here's my annual refresher course for the children and for the children in all of us.
Learning Your ABC's with That Bearded Mofo
Brought to you by SmackMack's Badonka Gunks: unclogging your pipes since 2000-somethin-or-other. Let Badonka Gunks' lady plumbers turn that bidet into a g'day, mate!
A is for Axe, Abdomen, and After as in:
Miami Heat owner Micky Arison wants to put an axe through David Stern's abdomen after he fined him half a million dollars for tweeting about the lockout.
B is for But,
C is for Crazy, and
D is for Dollars as in:
Seriously, I know Arison is rich, but a half a million dollars is just crazy.
E is for Eleven, Entertaining, and Episode as in:
Watching the drunk outside Seven-Eleven is always good for an entertaining episode.
F is for Finger,
G is for Girl, and
H is for Hairy as in:
Marriage can feel like a hairy decision, but it's worth it when you put the ring on the finger of the right girl.
Speaking of hairy girl fingers, ask any of the fine bubble-butted staff of SmackMack's Badonka Gunks for the "Snake the Drain" special. WARNING: The "Snake the Drain" special does not involve an actual drain, but it does involve an actual snake. And it is not what you think.
Badonka Gunks.
I is for Imagine, Isn't, and In as in:
I imagine Ochocinco has retired, 'cause he sure isn't showing up in any box scores lately.
J is for Jumping, Jiggling, and Jelly as in:
Just what was Kris Humphries thinking by jumping the broom with jiggling jelly-assed Kim Kardashian anyway?...Oh, I guess I answered my own question.
K is for Kick, Kielbasa, and King as in:
King of all sketch comedy shows In Living Color is coming back this spring to kick celebrities in the crotch and skewer politicians like a kielbasa.
L is for Luck,
M is for Manning, and
N is for Never as in:
Never thought I'd say this, but good luck to whoever is manning the stinky Seahawks offense next year.
Orrr... Peyton Manning will never let Andrew Luck take his job.
O is for Oily, Office, and Ordering as in:
Voting Republican pizza company CEO Herman Cain into office would leave us with the same thing we'd get from ordering one of his pizzas: oily, cheesy crust.
SmackMack's girls are oily. And they don't have offices, but they do have orifices. Use the buy one get one free coupon in this week's mailer and we'll send you the girl with two mouths.
SmackMack's!
Badonka Gunks.
P is for Planning,
Q is for Quick, and
R is for Right as in:
I'm planning to right my ship with a quick hard-hitting victory against the Hitmen this week.
S is for Sunday, Stomach, and Sharpe as in:
While Week 8 in the NFL was referred to as Upset Sunday, CBS's Shannon Sharpe referred to the awful Colts' game as Upset Stomach.
T is for Tell, Tacky, and Trashing as in:
Shaq trashing Kobe, LeBron, and Dwight Howard in his new tell-all memoir: tacky or right-on?
U is for Upset,
V is for Victory, and
W is for West as in:
Only in the terrible NFC West could a Rams victory against the Cardinals be considered an upset.
X is for X-men,
Y is for Yo, and
Z is for Ziti as in:
Yo' mama so fat, if she was part of the X-men her name would be Professor Ziti.
When too much ziti has your toilet overflowing with shiti, remember our motto: Our girls make it clap while flushing out your crap.
Badonka Gunks!!! SmackMack's! (Formerly Roto-Hooters.)
That concludes this week's lesson.
Oakland and San Diego play Thursday night of Week 10, so if you're looking for any waiver (or trade) gems for that matchup, better pick 'em up this week.
Til next time,
~That Educated Mofo~