TBM: The State Of The League 2011
I feel like I've been kicked in the crotch like that Viking kicked that Packer. Jennings gets 27 points, but Foster gets 42.5. That Bearded Mofo loses. Rodgers gets 34 points, but Roethlisberger gets 36. Savage Life loses. Graham scores 23 points, but Brees scores 46. Dub, Pope loses. Before I move on, I gotta ask: Whitehurst???
Congratulations to the teams that stepped up this weekend. Except my opponent. Eff you! We're halfway through the season, so it's time to address everyone's situation. Consider this like your midterm evaluation or your quarterly evaluation or your parole hearing.
With 7 teams hovering around .500, six weeks is plenty of time for your team to roshambo their way into the playoffs. As always, weeks 8, 11, and 13 have full slates of Division and Conference matchups and week 9 has four Conference games. These four weeks are your best opportunity to lift yourself while simultaneously pushing others down. It's not very Christian, but fantasy football is a devilish game. Now let's take a look and see whether you're in football heaven or fantasy hell.
The Vertical Conference seems to be taking direction from its division labels: the North is up and the South is down. The conference totals 4,525.5 points with a 19-23 record, up 2 wins and 220 points from last year. But the South Division accounts for only 7 of those wins, half as many as the West Division (We'll get to that star division later).
North Division
[BFS] Black Francis Soyer 4-3, 812 pts
League: 4th
Conf: 1st
Div: 1st
Don't touch his sh!t.
The top of Black Francis' roster is enough to intimidate any fantasy opponent: Brees, CJ2K, Forte. But while Brees is as Brees-y as ever, Chris Johnson has gotten as many yards as a Johnsonville brat. With Brees and Forte facing opponents like Tennessee, Minnesota, Denver, and Seattle in the fantasy playoffs, all Soyer has to do is stay level these last 6 weeks and he should be able to breeze on through the playoffs to week 16.
Div. matchup wks: 11[Gl], 13[MC]
Conf. matchup wks: 8[SL], 9[STL], 12[TP]
[Gl] Gladiators 4-3, 788.5 pts
League: 6th
Conf.: 3rd
Div.: 3rd (last)
Splitting the difference.
Two years ago, Gladiators came into week 8 with a 7-0 record; last year, the team was 2-5. This year, with a 4-game win streak starting with a 185 point effort back in week 3, Gladiators has managed to split the difference. But every game counts. A week ago, Gladiators was first in the North Division; but with a loss and wins from division rivals, the team now sits at the bottom. With Welker and Fred Jackson back from bye, Gladiators should be able to put up a fight; but without better teammates, they're likely going 3-3 the rest of the season.
Div. matchup wks: 8[MC], 11[BFS]
Conf. matchup wk: 9[TP], 13[STL]
[MC] Madden Curse 4-3, 808 pts
League: 5th
Conf: 2nd
Div: 2nd
Boom! Tough actin' Tinactin!
Only four points stand between Madden Curse and the top of the conference. LeSean McCoy has stayed strong despite the Eagles falters and Rapelisberger has swelled up as of late. Dwayne Bowe nodded off a little last week, but upcoming matchups against the Dolphins and Broncos will be his Red Bull espresso. There's no clear leader of the team, but who needs one when the team is named after a hall of fame coach? If this coach can manage the right lineup each week, Madden Curse could increase his conference record, which is currently 50-50.
Div. matchup wks: 8[Gl], 13[BFS]
Conf. matchup wks: 11[TP]
South Division
[SL] Savage Life 3-4,780 pts
League: 8th
Conf: 4th
Div: 1st
The world's tallest midget.
The 3-4 Savage Life currently leads the 7-14 South Division. And if the playoffs started today, he's currently hold the title of Last Man In. The only thing keeping division rival Team Perfection from overtaking him is a hefty 110 point lead; that's basically an entire game. While staying at pace with TP may keep Savage's division crown intact, it won't necessarily guarantee a playoff seed. With such a low record, it's possible the entire division could miss the playoffs. But it's hard to imagine that happening with Aaron Rodgers and All Day headlining the squad.
Div. matchup wks: 11[STL], 13[TP]
Conf. matchup wks: 8[BFS]
[STL] STLiens 1-6, 666 pts
League: 11th
Conf: 6th (last)
Div: 3rd (last)
The mark of the least.
The only thing more disturbing than STLien's point total is the record. It's not Vick's fault; while he hasn't been 2010 Vick, he hasn't exactly been 2011 McNabb either. Three of STL's losses were by less than 10 points (2 of them by 5.5). This team has to--HAS TO--find a way to capitalize on opportunity. Losses to low-scoring opponents such as Gridy in week 5 (92.5) and Mac Attack in week 7 (76.5) just can't happen if the team wants a shot at the playoffs. At this point, the team's gotta go 6-0 or they're just playing for next season.
Div. matchup wks: 8[TP], 11[SL]
Conf. matchup wks: 9[BFS], 13[Gl]
[TP] Team Perfection 3-4,670 pts
League: 10th
Conf: 5th
Div: 2nd
Juuuust a bit outside.
As hinted earlier, Team Perfection's only chance to beat Savage Life is by beating him in record. Flat out. No ties. Two of Perfection's 3 wins have come against the bottom two teams in a league (a combined 1-13) and his 3rd win came with the ridiculous 42.5 point effort of Arian Foster. Unless Foster can pull out 42 points every week, it doesn't look likely that there are many wins in TP's future. He still has to face 4 of the top 6 teams in the league. At least with 5 conference matchups left, he has plenty of opportunities to try to move up the conference. Emphasis on try.
Div. matchup wks: 8[STL], 13[SL]
Conf. matchup wk: 9[Gl], 11[MC], 12[BFS]
The Horizontal Conference bests the Vertical with a 23-19 record while worsting them with 4,460 points. But record comes first and foremost. For the second year in a row, this conference leads the show. It also replays the same 1st and 2nd place teams from 2010. The Horizontal Conference's top 3 teams are the top 3 teams of the league and they combine for only 5 losses. 5 losses in 7 weeks!!! But enough bragging. On with the breakdowns.
East Division
[BM] Black Magic 0-7, 641.5 pts
League: 12th (last)
Conf: 6th (last)
Div: 3rd (last)
The St. Louis Rams of fantasy football.
Speaking of breakdowns... I can't remember when's the last time, or even if we've ever had a team get this far into the season without a win. At the risk of turning off readers with a cheap pun, it looks like the magic is gone. (Boooo!) The team's best chance at a win came in week 4 with a 1 point loss to Team Perfection. At this point, Black Magic is just playing for pride; no one wants to go winless. Then again, no one wants to be the team that loses to the winless team, so I doubt anyone plans to show him any mercy.
Div. matchup wks: 11[Hm], 13[DP]
Conf. matchup wks: 8[TBM], 12[MA]
[DP] Dub, Pope 3-4, 755.5 pts
League: 9th
Conf: 5th
Div: 2nd
Maybe?
Outside of delivering the only loss to the league's top team, Dub, Pope has had an unremarkable season. Larry Fitzgerald just isn't the same without Warner, or Boldin for that matter. Stevie Johnson is great, except when he's not. Ditto for Fitzpatrick. Expect Jimmy Graham to be a top 2 tight end in the fantasy draft magazines next year. Backed by Graham and a (finally) rising Dez Bryant, Pope may be on his way to breaking out of mediocrity. I'd actually hedge bets toward Pope sweeping his division. The opportunity starts this week with a Hitmen rematch.
Div. matchup wks: 8[Hm], 13[BM]
Conf. matchup wks: 9[MA], 11[Gr]
[Hm] Hitmen 6-1, 840.5 pts
League: 1st
Conf: 1st
Div: 1st
In it to win it.
The poor bastard that lost Peyton Manning sits alllll the way down in 1st place. Having the most points will usually get you the most wins. That's how that works. Hitmen's record and points are both better than a year ago, when he was also in first. Brother Eli has filled in nice enough, but Calvin Johnson is the true star. The rich are sure to get richer as the rest of number 1's season features matchups against numbers 8, 9, 10, and 12. Of course, the Hitmen do still have matchups against numbers 2 and 3 as well, so it's not a complete cake walk.
Div. matchup wks: 8[DP], 11[BM]
Conf. matchup wks: 9[TBM], 13[MA]
West Division
[Gr] Gridy 4-3, 678.5 pts
League: 7th
Conf: 4th
Div: 3rd (last)
This has to be the year. Right?
It's unusual for a 4-3 record to mean last place, but that's exactly what it means in the hard core West Division. Gridy has only broken 110 twice this season, but despite low point totals, the team has managed to take advantage of weaker matchups. It might help if McFadden and Tolbert would stay healthy. Unfortunately, all 6 remaining opponents outweigh the team in points. Gridy sits 70 points behind the next in line, who also happens to be division rival Mac Attack. The teams best hope is for the bye week gods to serve up more favorable matchups.
Div. matchup wks: 8[MA], 13[TBM]
Conf. matchup wks: 11[DP]
[MA] Mac Attack 5-2, 748.5 pts
League: 3rd
Conf: 3rd
Div: 2nd
Rising while falling.
Mac Attack's scoring power has declined as the season has progressed. If not for a matchups against the low-output STLiens and a stumbled Savage Life, Mac Attack could have been looking at four straight losses coming into this week. Instead, he sits only 47 points out of 2nd place and 1st in the West Division. With a hefty slate of conference matchups ahead, the big Mac needs to find a way to get out of his scoring slump quick. And injured Matthew Stafford is not the way to do it. Then again, injury = Stafford. It had to be expected at some point.
Div. matchup wks: 8[Gr], 11[TBM]
Conf. matchup wks: 9[DP], 12[BM], 13[Hm]
[TBM] That Bearded Mofo 5-2, 795.5 pts
League: 2nd
Conf: 2nd
Div: 1st
We're number 2! We're number 2!
For the second straight year, That Mofo comes into the State of the League Address with a loss that affirms his 2nd place status. The team has taken on a new name, but runs with same old game: abandoning the run. The team is lead by high-powered receivers and a QB that isn't quite doing his duty (Romo is no 2010 Vick). It doesn't seem to be an easy rest of the season for TBM. After winless Black Magic this week, the team faces top dog Hitmen, then hops back and forth between the North Division and his own West Division for the rest of the season.
Div. matchup wks: 11[MA], 13[Gr]
Conf. matchup wk: 8[BM], 9[Hm]
And there you have it. The state of each team.
For those of you who stuck around to read the whole thing, congratulations! I've stolen precious moments of your life. For those of you who only read your team's profile, that's kinda selfish. For those of you who only read the other team's profiles, that's kinda weird.
Happy Halloween to all you hollow weenies out there!
~That Longwinded Mofo~