BEFORE AND AFTERMATH 2011: ROUND ONE
Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Saturday, December 10, 2011
They died. They died so we could live. Black Magic, Gridy, STLiens, Team Perfection. They were the few.
But soon they will be joined by the many.
Sheesh, this is dark. It's just football. It's not even real football. It's fantasy football. And why do we call it fantasy football? My fantasy isn't tracking Nate Washington's statistical figures. It's tracking Kerry Washington's spectacular figure!
My fantasy isn't hoping Calvin Johnson gets shut down on Revis Island. It's grilling a porterhouse the size of Rhode Island.
Yeah. Now that's more like it.
Speaking of Beef...
ROUND 1: RAPPER'S DELIGHT
Busta Rhymes (Hitmen 9-4) vs Notorious B.I.G. (Gladiators 6-7)
The Explosive Dynamo versus The Ashy To Classy
The first cypher between these two took place back in Week 7 with neither of them cracking 100, but Hitmen taking the win by a landslide. Hitmen is looking to say "Gimme Some More". Marshawn Lynch has been playing "Dangerous" of late and Calvin Johnson is always ready to "Break Ya Neck". But with his current winning streak, Gladiators keeps finding "One More Chance" and this week he's gonna "Kick In The Door" with the 49ers defense while Wes Welker yells "Gimme The Loot". Will Hitmen continue to "Light Your Ass On Fire"? Or will Gladiators show him he's "Dead Wrong"?
Season Points Avg: Hitmen - 110.8 vs 112.3 - Gladiators
Drop the mic: He made it into the playoffs, but it's just gonna be "Mo Money Mo Problems" for Gladiators as Hitmen screams "Woo Hah!! Got You All In Check". Hitmen Wins.
2pac (That Bearded Mofo 9-4) vs Dr. Dre (Mac Attack 7-6)
The 2Hard 2Keep Down versus The Experimental Madman
A matchup of West Divsion rivals. They split the season, so this week makes it a true best-of series. That Bearded Mofo causes "So Many Tears" to his opponents with "2 of Amerikaz Most Wanted" in Smith and Jennings. But the game is "Nuthin' But A 'G' Thang" to Mac Attack who's got Stafford to "Keep Their Heads Ringing" and Turner to move him onto "The Next Episode." Will TBM need a "Hail Mary"? Or will the Mac end up running for "Deep Cover"?
Season Points Avg: That Bearded Mofo - 110.2 vs 103.5 - Mac Attack
Drop the mic: Mac Attack wails "I Need A Doctor" as Mofo continues to "Hit Em Up". That Bearded Mofo wins.
E-40 (Black Francis Soyer 8-5) vs Scarface (Madden Curse 7-6)
The Crazy Breakout Hit versus The Longtime Legend
Another division rival matchup: this time, the North Division. It's like the Steelers and the Ravens: you know they're gonna meet in the playoffs. These guys just faced off last week, now they're at it again. The Curse has yet to strike Soyer, who plans to go "Quarterbackin" as usual with Drew Brees and "Break Ya Ankles" with Chris Johnson. But Madden Curse says "Guess Who's Back" in the playoffs? LeSean McCoy is leaving enemies with only "A Minute To Pray and A Second To Die" and the "High Powered" leg of Sebastian Janikowski is making it "Game Over" for the other guy. Will BFS "Act A Ass" all over Madden? Or will the Curse be the one left with a "Smile"?
Season Points Avg: Black Francis Soyer - 113.2 vs 111.5 - Madden Curse
Drop the mic: Black Francis Soyer performs a "Turf Drop" on Madden Curse and says "Tell Me When To Go" onto the next round. Black Francis Soyer wins.
UGK (Dub, Pope 8-5) vs Outkast (Savage Life 7-6)
The Under-The-Radar Kingpin versus The Under-Appreciated Leader
In Week 10, Dub, Pope served Savage Life with each of them having 2 players score over 30. Dub, Pope hollers "The Game Belongs To Me" with the explosive Jimmy Graham while Fitzpatrick continues to sling a "Pocket Full of Stones". But Savage Life likes to "Git Up, Git Out" to an early lead with his "Two Dope Boyz (In A Cadillac)" MoJo Drew and Gronkowski. And don't even mention Aaron Rodgers who's got all of "Y'All Scared". Can Dub, Pope continue "Big Pimpin" and add a 6th win to his current streak? Or will Savage Life "Hold On, Be Strong" and win the season as his points-lead suggests he should?
Season Points Avg: Dub, Pope - 107.7 vs 115.8 - Savage Life
Drop the mic: Dub, Pope gets knocked "Front, Back, Side to Side" by the "Xplosion" of Savage Life's "Gangsta Shit". Savage Life wins.
Best of luck to all this week.
Maybe, just maybe, you'll be the one to bring that beat back.
Liner Notes
~That Bearded Mofo~