That Bearded Mofo

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Published Tue Oct 2, 2012 4:00pm PST

image shaved off

Pictured: My brain cells Heineken-overdosing

Forgive me for the lateness of this article. I'm hungover from celebrating my first win.
*holding head*
Will someone please shut that New York Jets up? By "New York Jets" I mean "dog". They played so terribly against San Fran that their name is now synonymous with anything lowly or awful. It's like how Smurfs use the word "smurf" for almost everything.

Congratulations to Allstate Mayhem on becoming my first victim. I know such a close loss must feel like a kick in the New York Jets, but at least you don't have a screaming headache like me right now.

Congrats to brother Commish Hand me your Wallace for also getting off the schneid. There are no more undefeated or winless teams. Except in the NFL. The Saints and Cardinals are still holding down the zero columns, but opposite the way you'd expect. Undefeated Falcons and Texans and winless Browns are streaking as well.

Screwy shout-outs to McFadden, Tate, Maclin, Julio, Pitta, and Vernon as well as big play bastard shout-outs to Manning, Brady, Brees, Cam, Rodgers, Fitzpatrick, and Matty Ice. QBs were back this week as were receivers Roddy, Marshall, Witten, and Cruz and big Ds Niners, Texans, and Da Bears!

But this isn't the week for the New York Jets Awards. This week, we play the association game. You know how we do it. For example, a deer carcass was found stuffed in a trashcan in the kitchen of a Chinese restaurant in Kentucky. Does that seem like a reasonable story?

Chinese restaurant > mu shu pork > Mushu > Disney > Bambi's mother > dead deer
Chinese restaurant > Mu shu pork > Mushu > Disney characters > Bambi's mom > Dead deer

5 connections say it is. And remember, the fewer the connections, the more likely it is to make sense. Oof... I feel like I'm about to New York Jets.
*grabs bucket*
No worries. I can get through this. Let's get started.

Association 1
There's a GIF going around the Internet that features golden boy Tom Brady expressing his pleasure over a confirmed touchdown in the Bills game on Sunday. Did Tom Brady really say "F**k you, b*tches" to the Bills fans?

Tom Brady > Brady Quinn > Awful to watch > NBC's Animal Practice > Animal House > Bluto > Popeye > Seems like he's cursing

7 connections? Yeah, he said that sh*t.

Association 2
Rumor has it that there's a Kanye West sex tape floating around featuring a married woman who looks like Kim Kardashian. Hmm... I haven't seen it, but isn't he with Kim Kardashian now and wasn't she married, like two minutes ago? Hmm... Yes, I'm sure it's just a "look-alike". Could Kanye really have a sex tape?

Kanye West > Kim Kardashian > Sex tape

That's too easy. Let's try to make it a little harder than that.

Kanye West > Kim Kardashian > No talent > Paris Hilton > Sex tape

A little harder, please.

Kanye West > "I think I just fell in love with a porn star" > Kim Kardashian > Sex tape

You know what? Don't New York Jets all over my parade. If we're not even gonna try, we might as well move on.

Association 3
John Elway has endorsed Mitt Romney for President. Do these two seem like a likely duo?

Romney > "The trees are the right height." > What? > Can't hear > Rock concert > Alice Cooper > "Schoooool's out for summer" > School lunch > Horse meat > Broncos > Elway

With only 10 connections, we see that Elway and Romney go together like tax cuts and deficits.

Association 4
First grader beats up gym teacher. Hahahahahaha! What?!

A 220-pound former college football player is suing the New York school district claiming that a 4-foot-2 six-year-old student kicked him, bit him, and broke his ankle. Really?

Breaking ankles > Derrick Rose > Oil derrick > "Drill, baby, drill!" > Dumb Republican mantra > "We built it!" > Bob the Builder > Dora the Explorer > Monkey in boots > Puss In Boots > Shrek > Donkey > Eddie Murphy > Coming To America > "Sexual Chocolate!" > Milk chocolate > "Melts in your mouth, not in your hand" > M&Ms > Eminem > Slim Shady > Shady > LeSean McCoy > LisaRaye McCoy > The Players Club > Ice Cube > NWA > WCW > WWF > Hulk Hogan > Hulkamaniacs > Animaniacs > "Chicken Boo, what's the matter with you?" > Chicken > Chicken of the Sea tuna > Bumblebee tuna > Bumblebee > Transformers > Tyrese > Baby Boy

Whew! 38 connections. I don't think he's got a strong case.

We've got some good fantasy matchups this week. ARMAGEDDON (2-2) takes on Dub, Pope (2-2) for the unquestioned lead in the North Division, while the West Division has its own battle for sole leader in Allstate Mayhem (3-1) versus G O O D G A W D (3-1). And over in the East Division, Freeworld Juggernauts (2-2) tries to maintain his 2nd place spot while yours truly (1-3) tries to reach up and pull him down into last. Crabs in a bucket.

Speaking of that last game, how about one last association to hit the road?

Association 5
Who will be the sore loser in the battle between division rivals That Bearded Mofo and Freeworld Juggernauts this weekend?

Sorry! > Parcheesi > Parkour > Freerunning > Freeworld

Sorry, Juggernauts. 4 connections say you'll be the sorry one come Monday night.

Well, I hate to be a New York Jets, but that's all for this week.

~That Winless Mofo ~

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