Published Wed Sep 25, 2012 12:50am PST
This past weekend, Crime Warner--I mean, Time Warner Cable company began having NFL Network and Red Zone Channel available to its overpaying customers. That means now I get to watch all my players not score points. Except for the players I have on other fantasy teams that I'm also playing against. They'll score points all day long because it only f**king hurts me. I'm talking to you, Calvin Johnson. The one week I need you to be trash. *smh*
Do you love football? Okay. Do you love shelling out bucks to learn more about the game? No. So you're a "free" man?
As always, this bearded mofo is about educating you varying facial hair typed mofos. And today I will redefine the game of football by defining the game of football for you. Here are 7 more football terminology definitions to help you build your football IQ.
Definition: Deploying three deep defensive backs covering their respective 1/3 of the field. This defensive scheme makes it more difficult for passing teams to come up with big plays.
In a sentence: Lauren Hill couldn't cover 3 years of taxes she failed to report.
Or: Lauren Hill's prison stint for tax evasion could cover 3 years.
Or: Lauren Hill probably wants to cover 3 tons of dirt over Wyclef Jean after he revealed in his memoir that she tried to pull a Maury Povich on him with her first child.
Definition: A foul called against a quarterback who puposely throws an incomplete forward pass solely to avoid a sack.
In a sentence: All these Romney-Ryan mishaps seem like an intentional grounding of the Republican Party.
Definition: A pass thrown backwards or parallel to a teammate. Unlike a forward pass which can be thrown only once per play, players may lateral the ball as often as they want.
In a sentence: Be careful climbing up to clean the gutters, because that lateral fall right over on you.
Delay of Game
Definition: A penalty called on a team for either letting the play clock expire before snapping the ball, having too many players on the field, or calling a time out after having already used all they were allotted.
In a sentence: My delay of game caused me to strike out at the club tonight.
Definition: Blocking an opponent below the waist from behind. It is a personal foul which results in a 15-yard penalty.
In a sentence: Getting hit in the mouth with a toenail clipping is better than getting hit in the mouth with a circumcision clipping.
Definition: An alternative to the post-touchdown extra point attempt. The team lines up at the 2-yard line (3-yard line in college) for one play in an attempt to cross the goal line, thereby earning 2 points.
In a sentence: Getting the bra off is the 2-point conversion.
Definition: When a defense uses 6 defensive backs as opposed to the usual 4, replacing linebackers and/or linemen to increase its pass coverage.
In a sentence: People read the word dime and expect me to write a weed reference.
Or: Q: What did Florida Evans say when she came up 10 cents short of paying the bills? A: Dime, dime, diiiime!
That was a bad joke. Like a Laffy Taffy kind of joke.
Combo: Tiger Woods' delay of game-playing came from Elin clipping him over the head with his golf clubs after she caught him trying to cover 3 dimepiece groupies shaking that Laffy Taffy.
A different kind of Laffy Taffy joke.
Now you know more about football than Phil Simms. So go out and get yourself an analyst gig for one of the 396 hours of NFL coverage ESPN provides every week. Someone has to give Chris Mortensen a break.
We've got our first byes coming up this week. The Steelers D takes an early break to rest their old broken bones. And broken pride: they lost to the Raiders. *smh* Meanwhile, the Colts take a pause and wonder why Goodell scheduled their rookie QB for 13 straight weeks of "welcome to the NFL, rook" pounding. And wonder how they lost to the Jaguars: it's the Jaguars. *smh* And good officiating continues its year-long bye. *smh* Choose your waiver wire moves more carefully than the NFL chooses referees.
That's all the learning you need to do this week. You may now shut off your brain.
~That Laffy Taffy Mofo~