That Bearded Mofo

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Published Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:00am PST

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You know what sucks more than losing by one and a half points, Freeworld? Losing by half a point. We got teased this week. Which I guess is appropriate for Halloween.

All trick, no treat.

All glove, no love.

I don't know what that means. Don't hassle me. I'm grieving.

With Jack Frost freezing out the Midwest, Hurricane Sandy f@#$ing up the East Coast, and earthquakes C-walking along the West Coast, it appears the Mayan end of days calendar may be turning that page. How's about we comfort ourselves with a pot pie and a familiar game?

It's time again for the association game, where we connect the dots like Sherlock Homeboy. For instance, is it really possible that the world's oldest teacher is 99?

George Burns > Jay-Z > Problem Child > Mr. T
99 years > 99 problems > Problem Child > "Stay in school"

I reckon so in only 3 links. And remember, the shorter the chain, the stronger the possibilities. Let's get started.

Association 1
Rumor has it that recording star Usher spent 12 grand on a puppy dog. He knows you can get those for free at the pound right?

Usher > Church > "Chuch!" > Big Boi, Daddy Fat Sax > DFS > Division of Family Services > You're bad for the kids > Jerry Sandusky > "You can't touch this!" > MC Hammer > MC Squared > E=MC² > Einstein > Crazy hair > Trump > Boob > Boob job > $12,000 Puppies

It took a minute, but 17 connections say Usher spent it.

Association 2
A Chinese man sued his wife for being ugly...and he won! Man, China does not spare feelings, do they?

Ugly wife > Kill yo' self > Tony Scott (director) > Tony Scott (radio host) > Majic 104.9 > Magic Johnson > Magic Mike > Male stripper > Wire stripper > The Wire > The Bunk > The Dude > The Thing > Fantastic 4 > Fantastic Voyage > "Just slide, slide, slippety slide" > Slip and fall > Monetary award

With 17 connections, all I wanna say is that, they don't really care about the ladies in China. But Mofo loves the ladies. Shout out to my half billion Chinese mamacitas.

Association 3
Rumor has it--and by rumor, I mean fact--that the Washington Redskins have two RG3s at the QB position: Robert Griffin, III and Rex Grossman, III. Does that make any sense?

Redskins > Small potatoes > No potatoes > Neutered > Tutored > Tootie > The Facts of Life > "You take the good, you take the bad" > Take the money and run > Bank job > The Italian Job > The Book of Job > The Book of Mormon > Mormon > Morgan > Tracy Morgan > Captain Morgan > hungover > The Hangover, Part II > Redundant

Did this question make any sense? No, but we found 19 connections out of asking it. So that' know. A number.

Association 4
A Brazilian Phys Ed student has auctioned off her virginity for $780,000. First of all, ain't that prostitution? And second of all, is she worth that much?

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You had me at Brazilian.

3/4 of a million dollars > An Atlanta mansion or a San Francisco shithouse > Latrine > LeBron > The Decision > Indecision 2012 > The Daily Show > The Daily Planet > Superman > Invincible > Unbreakable > Mr. Glass > Brittle Bone Disease > Greg Odin > The Curious Case of Benjamin Button > Brad Pitt > Angelina Jolie > One hot mama

For the 3rd time today, 17 connections. Must be a good week to play number 17 on your lotto ticket. You might win enough to buy a Brazilian and 3 puppies.

We've got 4 conference games and 2 not this week. The 2 nots look to be slobberknockers between G O O D G A W D (4-4) / Hand Me Your Wallace (4-4) and RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (6-2) / Hitmen (5-3). The 4 conference games...yeah, who cares?

But I do care about finishing what I started. So let's finish this off with one last association.

Association 5
Who's got the slam dunk victory in this week's matchup of Savage Life versus That Bearded Mofo?

Slam dunk > Slam brakes > Big screech > Big Meech > Rick Ross > That Bearded Mofo

Only 5 connections. Well, okay then. The association game has never lied before.

Good luck in what's sure to be a screwy week 9. 'Til next time.

~That Connected Mofo~

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