Everybody's A Winner When Somebody Loses
Published Tue Nov 6, 2012 9:15pm PST
Did you vote? Good. Unless you didn't. Bad. Because your vote counted. Except it totally didn't count for anything except your own peace of mind. Thanks antiquated Electoral College.
Last week, I said two games would be slobberknockers. And while Hand me and G A W D's matchup totaled 232 points (mostly due to G O O D G A W D's 153.5 which rocketed him to 2nd place), the other matchup was more slobber than knocker as Hitmen only posted 89 against RAC ON RAC ON RACKS...and won.
Except for G A W D and Da, Pope both cracking a bill and a half, it was a measly week all around. I guess it pays to have a team name that relates to the Divine One. Five teams didn't even reach 100 this week. And only three teams crossed 110. You know what that means?
It means it's time to crown the crummy. It's time for the Del Taco Taco Bell Annual Screwy Awards! Tonight we hand out "Thanks a lot" gifts and roll our eyes so hard that the continents shift. There were a few interesting sits this week. No, not interesting. Just plain "what the huh?" But I'll get to that later. Let's lead off with the team leaders.
The "Tony Thromo Picks" Award - Quarterbacks
Ryan Fitzpatrick, 11 pts
Eli Manning, 4 pts
Christian Ponder, 3 pts
And the Screwy goes to Eli Manning.
Because your last name is Manning. Peyton's the old one and yet this weekend you played like you had a broke neck. Now there's all sorts of folks out there with broke legs after your ugly play left them with an ugly visit from the bookie.
The "Rosanne Ran For President Of What?" Award - Running Backs
Rashad Jennings, 7.5 pts
Alfred Morris, 7 pts
Ryan Mathews, 7 pts
Willis McGahee, 6.5 pts
Jamaal Charles, 6.5 pts
Daniel Thomas, 6 pts
Fred Jackson, 5.5 pts
Darren McFadden, 2 pts
And the Screwy goes to Darren McFadden.
Who had the over/under on McFadden getting hurt at Week 9? On McFadden's trading card, his position is listed as Out. When he orders at McDonald's, they ask him if he wants crutches with that. What I'm saying is, he gets hurt every year. But you knew that just as much as he knew this award was awaiting him.
The "Chad Johnson Has Almost As Many Catches This Year As He Did Last Year" Award - Wide Recievers
Josh Gordon, 5 pts
Jeremy Maclin, 4 pts
Percy Harvin, 3 pts
Antonio Brown, 3 pts
Hakeem Nicks, 2 pts
Jordy Nelson, 0 pts
And the Screwy goes to...it's a tie! Hakeem Nicks and the Green Bay Coaching Staff.
Why in the heezy did Green Bay let Jordy get out there on Sunday? Okay, sure, he injured a different part of his body, but that's probably because he was still being careful with his previous owwie. And Hakeem Nicks... Shameful. The whole NY team was shameful. Manning, Cruz, and Bradshaw, too. As if Sandy didn't give the fans a hard enough week.
The "Better To Be A Tight Ass Than A Loose End" Award - Tight Ends
Dennis Pitta, 5 pts
Jacob Tamme, 4 pts
Brandon Pettigrew, 2 pts
Jermichael Finley, 1 pt
And the Screwy goes to Jermichael Finley.
Rodgers just plain don't like you, Finley. He only threw your way twice all game. What did you do to him? Smack his mama? Eat his Halloween candy? Steal his celebration dance? I guess you'd have to have something to celebrate to do that, though.
The "Sanchez and Longoria Don't Kick It No More" Award - Kickers
Justin Tucker, 5 pts
Garrett Hartley, 4 pts
Connor Barth, 4 pts
Shayne Graham, 3 pts
And the Screwy goes to Pick one, then kick one.
I'm sorry, is it National Miss The Kick Week? Of the 12 kickers started in Gateway this week, half of them missed a field goal (and 2 of them missed two). It's pathetic. It almost sickens me, except for the fact that we are talking about kickers and I do not care at all enough to finish thi
The "Ray Lewis Makes Good Commercials" Award - Individual Defensive Players
Michael Johnson (DL), .5 pts
Lance Briggs (LB), 1 pt
Jerrell Freeman (LB), .5 pts
K.J. Wright (LB), 0 pts
Sheldon Brown (DB), 1 pt
Alterraun Verner (DB), .5 pts
And the Screwy goes to Jerrell Freeman.
You know how you have a guy that's getting the job done, but he has a bye so you need a good fill-in for one game only, and you pick up a guy that's also been killing it, and then the only game you need him for, he craps the bed and eats it? Yeah. That.
The "Rex Ryan Is Overweighted--Er, I Mean Overrated" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Cardinals, 5 pts
Redskins, 5 pts
Falcons, 3 pts
Vikings, 2 pts
And the Screwy goes to the Atlanta Falcons.
C'mon, Falcons. You were playing against Romo and you didn't get a single interception? He threw a pick just taking the trash out to the curb last night.
The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
DeSean Jackson, 19 pts for finagling Freeworld Juggernauts
A.J. Green, 22 pts for glooping Gridy
Matt Forte, 21 pts for gassing Gridy
Doug Martin, 53 pts for hampering Hand me your Wallace
Eric Decker, 29 pts for hotdogging Hand me your Wallace
Calvin Johnson, 19 pts for raking RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
Bears, 27 pts for sacking Savage Life
Marshawn Lynch, 21 pts for suffocating Savage Life
Brandon Marshall, 39 pts for stilling STLiens
And the Screwy goes to Doug Martin.
Je. Sus. Christ. It's not even close. A running back busting 50? That's two feets deep up in that ass crack numbers. That's gimme your shoes, your wallet, and your kidneys territory. That's a death is too good for you type o' beating.
The "Hemorrhoid Hero" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Mike Williams, 16 pts
Brian Hartline, 18 pts
Andy Dalton, 19 pts
Mikel Leshoure, 25 pts
Jay Cutler, 29 pts
Andrew Luck, 33 pts
Carson Palmer, 40 pts
Adrian Peterson, 32.5 pts
Chargers, 25 pts
Tony Romo, 22 pts
Andre Johnson, 19 pts
Chris Johnson, 18 pts
Honorable Mention: Broncos, 18 pts
And the Screwy goes to...
Before we announce a winner, let's look at some of these names. Andre Johnson. Why is he on the bench? I don't care how bad he's been at points this season.
Then there's Chris Johnson. Sure, he sucked monkey taint for 6 weeks this season. But now, how can you not put him in?
And Tony Romo. Why the feezy is he on the bench? Well, he's my guy and I'll tell you why. My record when I start Ryan Fitzpatrick: 5-0. My record when I start Tony Romo: 0-4. Regardless of whether Romo outplays Fitzy, if Romo leads, I fall.
Now back to the winner. Screwy goes to Adrian Peterson.
I just don't understand this one. What more would the six million dollar man have to do to prove he is a Never-sit? I don't care if he was going up against Seal Team Six. Peterson should not be on the pine until he's in a pine box.
Well, it's time to check the ratings and roll up the red carpet. That's all from the AllState State Farm Farmer's Insurance Annual Screwy Awards.
This week sees the awaited matchup between 1st place Allstate Mayhem (7-2) and former 2nd, now 3rd place RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (6-3). After the pounding RACKS took last week, this bout doesn't carry as much weight as it used to. And Mayhem's softish output in Week 9 doesn't help things either. But as stated before and shown by the Screwys, Week 9 was a suckfest across the league. Week 10 should be...different?
The season is coming close to a... close. And so is this article. Until next week, my friends.
~That Voting Mofo~