BEFORE AND AFTERMATH 2012: SUPERBOWL
Published Sat Dec 22, 2012 07:30am PST
Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Should we still be in the morgue? 'Cause we are.
Weirdest thing just happened. Two more bodies came in, reeking, stinking of death. But then they sat up. Somebody's getting fired.
RAC ON RAC ON RACKS was shot in the face by Darrius Heyward-Bey. Guess it wasn't as bad as it looked. It looked terrible.
I'm not sure what brought Freeworld Juggernauts in, but it smelled like he soiled himself. It doesn't matter. They're both still alive and fighting each other to be first out the door.
I want out the door. But it looks like they'll be keeping us in here for a while.
*sigh*
Only eight and a half months to go.
Signed,
That Third Picking Mofo
AND THEN THERE WERE TWO...
(But Really Still Four)
In the undercard, it's a 2009 Pooperbowl rematch as RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (8-7) goes after 3rd for the 4th time in 6 seasons and Freeworld Juggernauts (7-8) tries to spin his broken bi-annual Superbowl-winning streak into a continuing bi-annual bowl-winning streak. It's that guy versus that other guy for a little bit of dough, yo.
The Superbowl
Da,Pope (10-5) vs ARMAGEDDON (8-7)
It's an all-North Division Superbowl as these two teams meet this season for the third and final time. This Christmas, they both received the same gift from Santa: another championship appearance. Da,Pope returns to the big game for the first time since Season One while ARMAGEDDON goes for his second trophy in his third appearance.
This is Pope's 6th division matchup of the year, having played Madden Curse in the first round of the playoffs. He battled and beat ARMAGEDDON way back in Week 5 and not so way back in Week 11. Week 5 was a close one (10 point difference). Week 11 was not (63.5). Unless Pope's entire squad gets suspended for DUI Bountygate spousal assault detrimental to the team, he should surpass 2,000 points for his record breaking season.
It's a bit of a David versus Goliath situation. Pope averages 128.7 to GEDDON's 114.8. And there hasn't been a record gap this big between Superbowl opponents since 2007 when ARMAGEDDON (then know as Light It Up) played Goliath in the loss to Hitmen (then known as Da Hit Squad). But this time he plays David, so maybe he's got celebrations ahead. We have to take a look at what each of these teams is actually made of before we can make any kind of call.
QB (opp vs pass)
[DP]
Russell Wilson vs SF (5th)
Avg: 20.4 Rk: 16 Pos: 14
Should be rookie of the year, but his name is not Griffin or Luck. Then again, Luck and Griffin don't have the level of running back, defense, and 12th man help that Wilson does. Still, 43 points last week, so... RMVP! RMVP!! RMVP!!!
Matt Schaub vs MIN (23rd)
Avg: 20.3 Rk: 17 Pos: 15
The Texans may have a playoff slot, but Schaub and the crew won't be slacking off this week. They need one more win to guarantee a first round bye.
[ARM]
Matthew Stafford vs ATL (17th)
Avg: 22.2 Rk: 11 Pos: 11
Calvin Johnson is 181 yards shy of Jerry Rice's single-season receiving record and if Stafford wants to salvage anything from the Lions' heartbreaking season, it's this. He'll be throwing. A lot. But it's against the Falcons, so he'll be getting picked off, too. A lot.
RB (opp vs run)
[DP]
Knowshon Moreno vs CLE (19th)
Avg: 11.4 Rk: 248 Pos: 42
Where has this guy been the last few years? Up until Week 2 of this season when he scored -.5, this expected breakout has been nothing but bust. But now, with Greaton Manning behind center, he's turned into Edgerrin James.
Reggie Bush vs BUF (30th)
Avg: 10.1 Rk: 114 Pos: 17
I wonder if he misses Kim Kardashian's booty. And I wonder if she left him anything. I'm talking about something that requires medication.
DeAngelo Williams vs OAK (21st)
Avg: 6.3 Rk: 225 Pos: 35
Why? Yeah, it's against Oakland, but why?
[ARM]
DeMarco Murray vs NO (31st)
Avg: 12.9 Rk: 188 Pos: 27
At least 75 total yards and a touchdown in every game he's been back from his foot injury. Plus the Cowboys need to win out to make the playoffs. Plus there's a 31 next to that New Orleans rush defense. There's only 32 teams.
Matt Forte @ ARI (28th)
Avg: 12 Rk: 93 Pos: 13
Bears are pathetic now. But so are the Cardinals. And the Bears still have a chance at the wild card.
Marcel Reece @ CAR (17th)
Avg: 7 Rk: 200 Pos: 30
This guy is as done as the thought of ever getting a full 16 from Darren McFadden. Never trust a Raider.
WR (opp vs pass)
[DP]
Brandon Marshall @ ARI (6th)
Avg: 21.5 Rk: 13 Pos: 1
You can talk bad about the Chicago fans. You can talk bad about the Chicago media. You can talk bad about the Chicago coaches, players, and even QB. But you can't say anything bad about this guy. That's unusual.
Dez Bryant vs NO (31st)
Avg: 17.1 Rk: 28 Pos: 5
Hope that finger doesn't give you the finger.
Reggie Wayne @ KC (7th)
Avg: 16.9 Rk: 29 Pos: 6
He's not missing Peyton. Yet.
Larry Fitzgerald vs CHI (6th)
Avg: 10.6 Rk: 107 Pos: 37
For the love of God, somebody get this man out of Arizona.
[ARM]
A.J. Green @ PIT (1st)
Avg: 19.1 Rk: 20 Pos: 3
How are the Steelers the number one passing defense in the league? No matter. Green will smelt them.
Julio Jones @ DET (11th)
Avg: 16 Rk: 35 Pos: 11
Will this be Jones' week or Roddy's week? What am I saying? It's the Lions. It'll be both.
Cecil Shorts III vs NE (29th)
Avg: 12.6 Rk: 67 Pos: 21
Wonder how he'll like playing with Tebow next year.
Mike Wallace vs CIN (12th)
Avg: 13.2 Rk: 58 Pos: 18
More like Mike Waffle. Ha ha... 'Cause his points... You never know if he's gonna...gonna show up...*ahem*
Danario Alexander @ NYJ (2nd)
Avg: 8.3 Rk: 161 Pos: 54
Jesus! How many receivers are on this team?
Josh Gordon @ DEN (8th)
Avg: 10.3 Rk: 110 Pos: 39
Too many. The answer is too many.
TE (opp vs pass)
[DP]
Jimmy Graham @ DAL (14th)
Avg: 13.4 Rk: 54 Pos: 4
The first half of the JG TE twins. Graham is in a four-game slump, but those four games were against some tough defenses. This week, he has the Cowboys and it almost seems like their defense is trying to get Rob Ryan fired. Graham's gonna get 7 for 90 and a touchdown.
Jermaine Gresham @ PIT (1st)
Avg: 10.86 Rk: 99 Pos: 10
The second half of the JG TE twins. Gresham has been a more than decent fantasy start all season, but with a player like Graham ahead of him, there's no way he's playing in the Superbowl.
[ARM]
Aaron Hernandez @ JAC (24th)
Avg: 16.3 Rk: 165 Pos: 17
Tom Brady minus Rob Gronkowski equals Aaron Hernandez up your ass. The fact that they're playing the Jaguars and won't need to throw should be a drawback. But since when has "not needing to throw" kept the New England Bradys from throwing?
Brandon Pettigrew vs ATL (17th)
Avg: 8.6 Rk: 151 Pos: 14
He's not playing. But even if he was, c'mon.
K (opp vs pts)
[DP]
Matt Prater vs CLE (15th)
Avg: 8.5 Rk: 155 Pos: 9
He's the only kicker on the team, so who needs analysis when you've got necessity?
[ARM]
Blair Walsh @ HOU (7th)
Avg: 9.4 Rk: 139 Pos: 4
His fantasy average jumped almost 2 points thanks to his feast on the Rams last week. I wouldn't expect that against the Texans.
Mike Nugent @ PIT (8th)
Avg: 6.7 Rk: 208 Pos: 22
Should I give an in-depth review of thi--NO!
IDP (opp offense)
[DP]
J.J. Watt (DL) vs MIN (24th)
Avg: 3.9 Rk: 280 Pos: 1
Swatttt!
Derrick Johnson (LB) vs IND (9th)
Avg: 3.64 Rk: 291 Pos: 3
Swohnsonnnn!
Eric Weddle (DB) @ NYJ (30th)
Avg: 3.25 Rk: 321 Pos: 5
Sweddlllle!
[ARM]
Cameron Wake (DL) vs BUF (20th)
Avg: 2.3 Rk: 444 Pos: 4
Wakey wakey!
Lance Briggs (LB) @ ARI (32nd)
Avg: 3.5 Rk: 305 Pos: 8
Brigg boy pants!
Cary Williams (DB) vs NYG (10th)
Avg: 3 Rk: 350 Pos: 11
Williams is a common name.
DEF (opp offense)
[DP]
Chargers @ NYJ (30th)
Avg: 12.4 Rk: 69 Pos: 7
Against the Jets? You gotta.
Packers vs TEN (23rd)
Avg: 11.2 Rk: 90 Pos: 14
Against the Titans? You gotta.
Cowboys vs NO (3rd)
Avg: 10 Rk: 115 Pos: 18
Against the Saints? You can't.
[ARM]
Ravens vs NYG (10th)
Avg: 11.4 Rk: 83 Pos: 11
This could go either way. They might only get 3 points or they might get 23 points.
Or they might get 13 points. Or 4 points. 5 points. Maybe 6 points. 7 points. 8 points...
Good luck, competitors.
I wish everyone a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, cheerful Kwanzaa, and joyful New Year. And most of all, as written in the Mayan calendar... No more stressful Monday nights until September.
'Til 2013...
~That Bearded Mofo~