That Bearded Mofo

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I See Great And Terrible Things Ahead

Published Tue Sep 10, 2013 6:50pm PST

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What a Week 1.

RACKS came a half point shy of a double c-note.

Allstate cracked 150, had the 3rd highest score of the week, and lost.

Three quarterbacks topped 400 yards and 40 or more fantasy points.

Terrelle Pryor was the leading rusher for the week coming into Monday night. He's a quarterback.

LeSean McCoy ran for 184 yards against the Redskins. That's NOT his single-game high; it's 1 yard short of it.

Two Detroit running backs were in the fantasy RB Top 5.

Fumblitis plagued East Coast starting running backs (Morris, Ridley, Spiller, Wilson).

Both the Jets and the Bears won the lead and the game because of boneheaded unsportsmanlike fouls on their opponents near the game's finish.

There were 9 black starting quarterbacks, the most ever at one time in NFL history.

What a week indeed. And if you're like me (meaning you lost *sob*), you're ready for Week 2 to get here already. But what will Week 2 hold? What will the entire season hold, for that matter? Well don't overreact based on Week 1. Let me do that for you. Here are my overpredictions for the season based on Week 1 and Week 1 alone.

2013 OVERpredictions

The Jacksonville Jaguars will total 28 points this season. All on defense.

Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz will finish the season with 2,000 receiving yards, 50 touchdowns, and 0 starts for Freeworld Savages.

By Thanksgiving, Falcons wide receiver Roddy White will have 25 catches, will advise Miley Cyrus not to perform her raunchy foam finger dance on the VMAs, will warn Michael Vick to get out of the dog fighting business, and will tell JFK to duck.
Report: "Roddy White Tells Fantasy Owners (A Day Late) Not To Start Him"

49ers receiver Anquan Boldin will average 15 catches, 200 yards, and 1 flashes of his Super Bowl ring in his teammates' faces per game.

Raiders quarterback Terrelle Pryor will end the season with 38 interceptions and 3 dead NFL officials.
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Giants running back David Wilson will fumble the ball 15 times before the Week 9 bye and former Giants running back David Wilson will fumble the Jack In The Box deep fryer basket 12 times after the Week 9 bye.

The San Francisco 49ers will finish the season with 576 points and 16 referee demotions.
Report: "NFL Downgrades Packers-49ers Official Bill Leavy"

Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning will finish the season with 110 touchdowns, 7,000 yards passing, and minus-75 yards rushing.

The San Diego Chargers will win the first 3 quarters of all 16 games and lose 16 of all 16 games.

Texans rusher Arian Foster will finish the season with 100 catches and the MLB Golden Glove for Outfielder of the Year.

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Broncos receiver Demaryius Thomas and tight end Julius Thomas will share 70 touchdowns and 10 jerseys.

Patriots tight end Zach Sudfeld will finish the season as the number one proof that fantasy experts completely pull draft suggestions right out of their asses.

Packers linebacker Clay Matthews will finish the season as NFL sack leader and newest Justice League team member, Flying Packman.

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Lions defender Ndamukong Suh will finish the season with 13 fines, becoming the major funder of the NFL Concussion Settlement.
Report: "NFL Fines Suh $100k For Low Block"
He'll also finish as Matthews' Justice League sidekick, The $100,000 Bowling Ball.

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Those are my predictions. What are yours?

Speak up. I can't hear you.

Only two division matchups this week as the beast with two quarterbacks STLiens (1-0) takes on the double dipping RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (1-0) in the South while Black Francis Soyer (0-1) and Allstate Mayhem (0-1) try to force each other into the basement of the West. As for the rest of the matchups, ARMAGEDDON (1-0) and Hitmen (1-0) swap Week 1 opponents Da,Pope (0-1) and That Bearded Mofo (0-1), and Freeworld Savages (0-1) and Detox (0-1) battle each other for their first win, while Savage Life (1-0) and Breaking Bad Tackles (1-0) fight each other to avoid their first loss.

There will be at least 2 undefeated and at least 2 winless teams at the end of next week. I can't be in the former, but I won't be in the latter. 'GEDDON's going down!!! And that's no overprediction.

~That Prognosticating Mofo~

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