Putting The Screws To You
Published Tue Sep 17, 2013 9:20pm PST
I have nothing to say about this week. Nothing at all. I won't dignify it by complaining.
But let's do a little complaining. It's time to namedrop the gamers that dropped your team. It's time for the 2nd 10th Annual Bi-Weekly 4th Screwy Awards #9! There are a lot of golden* trophies to get through tonight, so let's get started.
*trophies are .00000003% gold and 100% nothing with a margin of variation of .00000003%
The "Matt Flynn's Job Title Is Demoted Quarterback" Award - Quarterbacks
Eli Manning, 16 pts
Terrelle Pryor, 11 pts
Joe Flacco, 16 pts
Carson Palmer, 16 pts
And the Screwy goes to... Did you know Drew Brees only scored 18 points? Whatchu say? Yes, the quarterback. What other Drew Brees did you think I could be talking about? The Screwy goes to Terrelle Pryor.
He's a Raider.
The "Fire Dwyer, Whoops! Hire Dwyer" Award - Running Backs
Stevan Ridley, 4 pts
Ray Rice, 2.5 pts
Steven Jackson, 6.5 pts
Maurice Jones-Drew, 2.5 pts
David Wilson, 1 pt
Reggie Bush, 7.5 pts
And the Screwy goes to... Did you know Adrian Peterson only scored 8.5 points? Yes, THAT Adrian Peterson. Why do you keep questioning who I'm obviously talking about. Anyway, award goes to David Wilson.
Wilson overshot his Week 1 outing by 4 points. Wha-huh? Hold on a second. *re-reading sentence* "Wilson overhuminah humminah 4 points." Hmm. Yeah, I wrote/read that right. Wilson ran for 19 yards and 2 whoops-a-daisies last week for minus-3 fantasy points. He had 2 fewer fumbles and yards this week. Must have been newly returned Brandon Jacobs who stole all the yards. Let's see. Jacobs had...4 yards. Oh. Must have been Da'Rel Scott then. He had...2. Gyeegh! Hey, is Tiki Barber busy nowadays? Or Frank Gifford for that matter?
The "Eminem Goes Wide" Award - Wide Recievers
Miles Austin, 6 pts
Mike Williams, 2 pts
Anquan Boldin, 1 pt
Larry Fitzgerald, 5 pts
Reggie Wayne, 9 pts
And the Screwy goes to... Did you know that A.J. Green only scored 10 points? What do you mean I'm "redundant"? Trophy belongs to Anquan Boldin.
But whyyy is Mike Williams on this list? This boy been started over Victor Cruz and James Jones in back-to-back bench blowup weeks. But I digress; this is Boldin's shitfest. One catch. One. Catch. Jesus, Boldin. Are we sure he didn't just go home after the lightning delay? Maybe Mike Williams did too. And speaking of weather delays, what's up with all the NFL weather delays? Seems like an omen for the NFL. They may regret having the Superbowl in an open air stadium in a cold weather climate this year.
The "Picture Della Reese Twerkin' It, Now Go Throw Up" Award - Tight Ends
Vernon Davis, 5 pts
Fred Davis, 1 pt
Brent Celek, 0 pts
Jared Cook, 2 pts
Tony Gonzalez, 7 pts
Jason Witten, 4 pts
And the Screwy goes to... Did you know that Antonio Gates scored 18 points? What do you mean "I'm trying too hard"? I don't try at all. The dishonor goes to Brent Celek.
Man! Celek was targeted once all game. And that was in the 4th quarter! You can't be giving your team goose eggs. I mean, you gotta give 'em turtle eggs at least. Turtle eggs are worth more than goose eggs, right? Is that how it works? I failed Animal Baby Economics in college.
The "Buccaneers Used Chemical Warfare on Lawrence Tynes" Award - Kickers
David Akers, 3 pts
Randy Bullock, 2 pts
Aching Bollocks, Boooo! pts
And the Screwy goes to... Did you know that no one cares? At all? In the least? Randy Bullock.
Not a soul?
The "Ray Lewis Also Says His Time-Warner Cable CBS Blackout Was No Accident" Award - Individual Defensive Player
Cameron Wake (DL), .5 pts
Nick Fairley (DL), 0 pts
Muhammad Wilkerson (DL), .5 pts
Morgan Burnett (DB), 0 pts
And the Screwy goes to... Did you know that it's Morgan Burnett.
Did you know Burnett hasn't played a game yet this season? Sounds like fantasy roster mismanagement to me.
P.S.: Fairley didn't play this week either.
The "Kerry Rhodes Can't Play Because He May Be Gay So NFL Won't Pay" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Steelers, 3 pts
Chargers, 2 pts
Rams, 2 pts
And the Screwy goes to... Did you know that I can't think of an appropriate D/ST "Did you know?" on this one? Trophy goes to the Chargers.
Chargers win mostly because their fantasy team lost. (Rams' fantasy team won.) But the Chargers also win because they are LOO-sers! Loo-zuhs!! Looooo-zahs!!!... Except for this past weekend when they won... But they're still LYOOOssssuhhhs!
The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Matt Ryan, 30 pts for hammering Hitmen
Dez Bryant, 29 pts for humping Hitmen
Pierre Garcon, 28 pts for skirting Savage Life
Seahawks, 21 pts for sanitizing Savage Life
Bears, 22 pts for freaking Freeworld Savages
Greg Olsen, 21 pts for fisting Freeworld Savages
Michael Vick, 41 pts for raking RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
Jimmy Graham, 33 pts for ruining RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
Jermichael Finley, 18 pts for blocking Black Francis Soyer
Julio Jones, 35 pts for trimming That Bearded Mofo
And the Screwy goes to... Did you know that I HATE fantasy fools-ball AND the frickin' Rams for letting Julio Jones get an 81-goddam-yard touchdown AND Antonio Gates for waking up the one damn day he plays against me AND getting these tough early season matchups?! Well, you do now. Honor goes to Michael Vick.
Even in a heart-wrenching home loss, Vick continues to shine. RACKS got a dose of his own extraordinary quarterback fantasy performance medicine that he dished out in Week 1 with Peyton, albeit with a little less oomph. Even if their quarterbacks had matched evenly this week, STLiens would still have come out on top by 5 thanks to Fantasy Bastard nominee and number one draft pick Jimmy Graham. Both teams left a lot of unexpected points on the bench, which I'm stating only to lead us to our next and final category of the night...
The "Tim Tebow Doesn't Understand That He Is Where He Belongs" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Sam Bradford, 35 pts
Mike Wallace, 26 pts
Vikings, 25 pts
James Jones, 26 pts
Patriots, 17 pts
DeAndre Hopkins, 24 pts
Tavon Austin, 22 pts
Broncos, 17 pts
Matt Schaub, 28 pts
Philip Rivers, 39 pts
Steve Johnson, 25 pts
Honorable Mention: Robert Griffin III, 32 pts
And the final Screwy of the night goes to... Did you know Tom Brady was on the bench? Did you know he only scored 15 points? Did you know the guy started over him is one of tonight's Screwy Award winners? Did you know you're sick of the "Did you know?" questions yet? Did you? Didja? Are ya? Screwy goes to Nobody.
Who of these people would you have started? Who? Bradford against the Falcons? Vikings against the Bears? DeAndre Hopkins against--who the f**k is DeAndre Hopkins?! Patriots against the Jets? Maybe. Schaub over Brees? Never. So I ask again: who of these people would you have started? Nobody. And that's who gets the award.
Well, it's time to pay the tab and catch a cab. That's all from the 6/13th Annual 8th Monthly Per Day Screwy Awards Part 12. A little personal fact: I took a shower halfway through tonight's performance, just like Russell Wilson. Good night, everybody. And be good to everyone. Unless they're your fantasy opponent.
~That Did You Knofo~