That Bearded Mofo

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Dear Mofo,

Published Wed Oct 16, 2013 9:35pm PST

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The Romo giveth and he taketh away. After hoisting me to victory with 55 points in Week 5, he drags me into defeat with a measly 12 in Week 6. His teammates didn't help--the fantasy ones nor the true ones. Murray. Ware. Numerous linemen. I haven't seen that many Cowboys get taken out since the Alamo.

And what's the deal with the Broncos? Sure, they're still undefeated, but Peyton Manning only got 22 points? Was he sick? Did someone take his family hostage and instruct him to play like Carson Palmer if he ever wants to see them alive again?

And how about those Rams? Are they inspired by the Cardinals? The St. Louis Cardinals, not the Arizona Hardly-nals. Ha ha... I burned 'em. No, I mean the 3-2 NLCS-leading Cardinals who I jinxed by attending Game 3 at Dodgers Stadium. And who I have proably jinxed by mentioning them in this article. H'oh boy.

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Me and my Dodger dog didn't make it onto the Kiss Cam.

Let's move this along to the meat and potatoes, which this week is more like jerky and potato chips in that it ain't much. It's short. Hey, I'm busy, you're busy, so let's get busy.

That's not what I meant.

This week, you run the article. This week we hear from you, the fans. This week, it's that old Bearded Mofo emailbag.

J. Graham from New Orleans writes,
So, I didn't get a single catch Sunday. I guess I am mortal, huh?
TBM: So are your owners. They all died on Sunday.

T. Richardson from Clevelan--not so fast, it's Indianapolis writes,
I have the same record as the Browns. When they win, my team wins. When they lose, my team loses. It's like I never left. Except I'm sooo glad I left.
TBM: What's the difference between Cleveland and Indianapolis? ... It's not a joke setup. I really don't know the difference.

A. Luck from Indianapolis writes,
Last week on his radio show, Colin Cowherd said that in comparison of attributes and rivalry, Russell Wilson and I are the new Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. Wow. Me compared with Peyton Manning. It's an honor.
TBM: What's the difference between Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning? ... One stole the other muthaf**kas job and that muthaf**ka is pissed and lighting up everybody else because of it. And their jersey numbers. They have different jersey numbers.

Anton M. from ARMAGEDDON HQ writes,
I wonder what it's like to score less than 150. Must be like shopping at Walmart. *shudders* Jeeves, my coat. Chop chop!

M. Schaub from Houston writes,
I got knocked out of the game Sunday and the Texans fans cheered. They cheered!
TBM: They weren't saying "Yay!" They were saying... "Hey!... Is he okay?... Our poor ba-bay... We don't know what to say... Rest him on a bed of hay--" Okay, yeah, they were saying "Yay!"

T.J. Yates from Houston writes,
Don't worry, Texans fans. I know how to throw pick sixes, too. I'll keep the streak alive like it's the Olympic flame.
TBM: Uh, you know you don't get those points, right?

Nathaniel H. from Freeworld Savages HQ writes,
We need a new method for doing trades in the league.

TBM: How about no more trades? Period. For anyone. Ever. Seems like that's the way we're headed anyway.

Demerrio G. from RAC ON RAC ON RACKS HQ writes,
I'll trade you two moldy ham sandwiches for your first and second round picks.

Dan M. from STLiens HQ writes,
I squash that trade!
TBM: See?

Big Booby Ruby from New York writes,
The Giants are so awful that it's bad for business. My strip club had to turn off the games. Geez, I could intercept Eli. And I can't even run without knocking myself unconscious.

T. Brady from... New England? That's not a city. Boston. ... It's not Boston? Massachusetts then. ... Foxborough? What the hell is he doing in a fox burrow? ... Oh, that's a city? Screw that. From Boston writes,
I can't believe people thought the game was over because I threw a quick and immediate interception with less than two and a half minutes to play and down by 4. Don't they know I'm Tom F. Brady. One guess at what the F stands for. I don't care if my receivers got more drops than Visine. I don't care that they're not Wes Welker or that they won't high five me or that they're not Wes Welker. Who said Welker? Where is he? Wes?... I don't care. I'm Tom Brady. I win games, bitch! Wes, call me.

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See, I told you. Short.

Next week, it's time for mid-term evaluations. I'll give you a breakdown of every team in the league from the hopeful to the hopeless. I'm a little too far in the B column for my taste.

We're almost halfway done. Time flies when you're having fun. Or torturing yourself, depending on how this fantasy game treats you.

~That Hopey Mofo~

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