That Bearded Mofo

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Flush With Pride

Published Tue Oct 8, 2013 11:00pm PST

image shaved off

It's a directive, not a sentiment.

Second highest single game score of the season. That's a good way to get off the schneid. Even though Dallasans (Dallasites? Dallasonians?) may be mad at him for that game-losing pick he threw, I gotta thank Tony Romo for his out-of-nowhere fantasy performance that gave me my first win and pushed me up from 12th place to 9th.

But it's not time to applaud the bruisers. It's time to clap for the losers. It's time for the 12345th Annual QWERTY Screwy Awards! Today we celebrate those dummies that cost you a win with the most vitriolic excrement of expletives we can express behind the safety of our distant TV screens.

The "Matt Schaub Pick Six Burger Ain't Real But It's Funny" Award - Quarterbacks
Cam Newton, 10 pts
Tom Brady, 7 pts
Andy Dalton, 10
Michael Vick, 12 pts

And the Screwy goes to Tom Brady.
Gronkowski, get back quick. Please. Breaking Bad Tackles is begging you. Freeworld Savages is begging you. I'm begging you. Even Aaron Hernandez is begging you, and that dude's got a lot else on his mind nowadays. This is the first single-digit game of the season for Mr. Thomas Bradington the Third. Hell, it's probably his first single-digit game ever, seeing as how it's the first time he hasn't thrown a touchdown in his last 52 games. Even with Danny Amend'ohI'mhurt back in the lineup, Brady couldn't make an end zone connection. Gronk is supposed to be back this week (fingers, toes, and nipples crossed). But even if he isn't, I'm sure last week's game and this funky award will light a fire under Brady this week.

The "Now Go Home And Get Your F**king Shine Box" Award - Running Backs
Lamar Miller, 1 pt
Reggie Bush, 8 pts
David Wilson, 7 pts
Rashad Jennings, 4 pts
Ryan Mathews, 0 pts
Darren Sproles, 5.5 pts
Trent Richardson, 5 pts

And the Screwy goes to Lamar Miller.
Ryan Mathews was robbed! He really should have won this award. But his fantasy team won, so it goes to Miller. It's not Miller time. There. I said it. Lamar, you're supposed to be the guy, right? Then be the guy right.

The "Julio Jones Might Be A Foot Short" Award - Wide Receivers
Marques Colston, 3 pts
Victor Cruz, 9 pts
Andre Johnson, 6 pts
Kenbrell Thompkins, 4 pts
Julian Edelman, 5 pts
Roddy White, 8 pts
Dwayne Bowe, 7 pts
Anquan Boldin, 4 pts
Tavon Austin, 6 pts

And the Screwy goes to Anquan Boldin.
Again, we have a robbery. Shoulda been Colston, but the fantasy team won. The real life team too. Could have gone to Kenbrell, but c'mon. He's a rookie; got no business starting anyway. Nope, it goes to Anquan who picks up back-to-back wide receiver Screwys having notched only a single point back in Week 2. Niners gotta get it together. You know, fantasy-wise. Which is all that matters. Boldin's QB Kaepernick had a subpar fantasy game too, missing out on a quarterback Screwy nod only because he wasn't started.

The "Jay Pharoah Does A Hilarious Shannon Sharpe Impression" Award - Tight Ends
Jermichael Finley, 9 pts
Garrett Graham, 4 pts
Brandon Myers, 5 pts
Jared Cook, 5 pts
Jordan Cameron, 6 pts

And the Screwy goes to Oof! Can We Pick All Of 'Em? No. Okay, Then Garrett Graham.
Should go to Jordan Cameron because he had the most expected potential and therefore the biggest letdown. But Cameron was, say it with me, on a winning fantasy team. In fact, both Cameron and Cook started for RACKS. How the hell did he win??? Graham only had four this week but he wants more, he wants more, and he wants more and he should get it for the next several weeks with his higher ranking teammate Owen Daniels out. Still, that's next week and we're here to talk about last week and there's no excuse to lay up four points. Graham, you suck! You suck! Why can't you be like your brother Jimmy? Oh, you're not brothers? Yeah, I can't tell if Jimmy is a brotha either.

The "Kick In The Nuts" Award - Kickers
David Akers, 5 pts
Stephen Gostkowski, 6 pts
Robbie Gould, 4 pts
Randy Bullock, 3 pts

And the Screwy goes to Randy Bullock.
Another back-to-back Screwy winner. Hey, at least he got a point more than he did for his award-winning performance three weeks ago.

The "Jadaveon Clowney's Motto Is 'Monies Before Bronies'" Award - Individual Defensive Player
Jason Pierre-Paul (DL), 1.5 pts
Robert McClain (DB), 1 pt
Nick Fairley (DL), 1 pt
Bobby Wagner (LB), 1.5 pts
Robert Quinn (DL), 2 pts
Patrick Willis (LB), 0 pts
Rob Ninkovich (DL), 2 pts

And the Screwy goes to Nick Fairley.
It seems the lotto motto is wrong: if you don't play (Willis), you can win (RAC ON RAC ON RACKS). But Fairley is the real winner by being the real loser. Fairley just missed out scooping up the most recent IDP Screwy, so this time he gets the statue. Sorry, McClain. Maybe three weeks from now.

The "Seahawks 12th Man" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Donefor Broncos, 9 pts
Fatlanta Falcons, 8 pts
Shitcaca Bears, 5 pts
Yousedumb Texans, 4 pts

And the Screwy goes to the Texans.
Houston picks up its third Screwy of the night and sweeps every category in which it was nominated. They truly, truly were horrible.

The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Tony Romo, 55 pts for frogging Freeworld Savages
Philip Rivers, 26 pts for savaging Savage Life
Alshon Jeffery, 37 pts for breaking Breaking Bad Tackles
Chiefs, 20 pts for buckling Breaking Bad Tackles
Dez Bryant, 30 pts for bumping off Black Francis Soyer
Matt Ryan, 26 pts for black-eyeing Black Francis Soyer
Peyton Manning, 48 pts for decking Detox
DeSean Jackson, 26 pts for detoxing Detox
Browns, 23 pts for stunning STLiens

And the Screwy goes to Tony Romo.
A half bill has to win you the award, but I've already praised Romo. Let's look at some of these other also-rans. Peyton Manning continues his campaigns for 2013 Fantasy Player of the Year and Person Most Likely To Make Fantasy Opponents Wear Rubber Underwear... If he continues the rate of expansion he's displayed over the last 3 weeks, Alshon Jeffery will score 48 points next week. He plays the New York Giants, so, yeah, Alshon Jeffery will score 48 points next week... Browns Defense put up a Michael Jordan (23). With Trent Richardson, 0-2. Without Trent Richardson, 3-0. If this is tanking, I want to tank every week. The Browns were also Hitmen's highest scorer. I have no idea how he won with 0-, 7-, and 8-point efforts from his only RB and two big name WRs, Screwy nominees Mathews, Roddy, and Bowe. Oh, I see. Because opponent STLiens' RBs and WRs combined for less (20.5) than his TE Jimmy "What The Hell Race Am I?" Graham (23).

The "Matt Flynn Will Quarterback For Food" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Sean Lee, 13.5 pts
Andrew Luck, 24 pts
Golden Tate, 17 pts
Hakeem Nicks, 23 pts
Terrelle Pryor, 26 pts
Cardinals, 22 pts
Chris Johnson, 15 pts
Denarius Moore, 19 pts
Mike Wallace, 17 pts
Bengals, 14 pts
Pierre Thomas, 24.5 pts
Phil Dawson, 10 pts
Vernon Davis, 17 pts
T.Y. Hilton, 31 pts

Honorable Mention: Jay Cutler, 30 pts

And the Screwy goes to Hakeem Nicks.
I don't know. Maybe T.Y. Hilton should have been a sure start over Tavon Austin seeing as how the Rams ssssuuuuuuuuuuck this year. Again. But no one expects Hilton to get 30, much less edge out Austin by 25 points. However, Hakeem Nicks against the terrible Eagles D seems a much, much better option than Kenbrell Thompkins. But the Nicks/Thompkins fantasy team won anyway, so hindsight is spilled milk under the bridge.

Well, it's time to pick up your pink penalty flags or pink towels or whatever the pink it is and go the pink home. That's all from the 90210th LMNOP Screwy Awards.

It's inter-divisional play this week as North takes on West, a phrase that's sure to confuse the hell out of Kanye's kid throughout her life. Sole undefeated team ARMAGEDDON goes for number six against one-win Savage Life. 'GEDDON would have been without Julio Jones this week anyway because of the bye, but humbling times could lay ahead for Mr. First Place. Brady (maybe) and Brees play each other for real and for fake this week as one-loss Breaking Bad Tackles takes on one-win Black Francis Soyer. And the league's lowest scorer Allstate Mayhem tries to even himself against reigning champ and 3rd highest scorer Da,Pope. It's the league's best division against the league's worst division. And the results may surprise you.

Hey, don't forget about us chopped liver. The nine-win South battles the five-win East. Peyton takes on Eli (probably) as RAC ON RAC ON RACKS tries to go for his 5th lopsided victory in a battle against hot-and-cold Hitmen. STLiens plays a guessing game at every position except QB and TE this week in a matchup against the (hopefully) Gronkowski-returned Freeworld Savages. We could see Graham versus Gronk for real and for fantasy this week. And Detox takes on That Bearded Mofo in a game that pretty much no one cares about. We have 3 wins between us. We're like the NFC East.

~That 179 And A Half-Point Mofo~

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