Losers Sometimes Do Win
Published Tue Oct 29, 2013 9:45pm PST
Another record-breaking week in the NFL. That Detroit Decepticon did more than we thought he was capable of, and we thought he was capable of walking on water. Oakland's QB broke the record for longest run by a quarterback; I think he was trying to get away from an overflowing toilet.
In a week with 6 NFL teams on bye, 4 Gateway teams scored over 140. That's incredible. And yet, almost nothing has changed. Detox and Breaking Bad Tackles swapped 3rd and 4th place spots while Freeworld Savages and STLiens swapped 8th and 9th, but all other division, conference, and league seeding stayed exactly the same as last week's State of the League. You did read last week's State of the League, right?
If you won, last week was great. If you lost, let's see who's to blame. It's time for the AAA Alcoholics Anonymous American Airlines Advantage 2013 Screwy Awards! I've been spying on this depth of non-talent like the NSA spying on foreign leaders, and let me tell ya, we've got a bunch of big-name stinkers this week. Let's get started with the passable passers.
The "Even Brett Favre Thinks The Rams Are Desperate" Award - Quarterbacks
Terrelle Pryor, 16 pts
Ben Roethlisberger, 15 pts
Matt Ryan, 14 pts
And the Screwy goes to Terrelle Pryor.
Should have been Ben's or Matt's to win, but their teams won. Not their real teams; their fantasy teams. Oh, God no. No, their NFL teams are awful. And so is Terrelle's, really. With a 93-yard TD run, Pryor collected 15 fantasy points on the first play of the game. He amassed 1 fantasy point over the rest of it. He had more yards rushing than passing. And the really sad thing is, he nearly doubled his fantasy teammate Brady who had 9 on the bench. Yes, Tom Brady. Yes, that Tom Brady.
The "Bo Jackson Lost A Raider Run Record To Terrelle Pryor" Award - Running Backs
Darren Sproles, 2 pts
Marshawn Lynch, 2.5 pts
LeSean McCoy, 7 pts
And the Screwy goes to Darren Sproles.
Sproles had 0 yards. Well, he had 51 yards if you include kick returns. But he had no yards that matter. Not a single carry. Just 4 catches that totaled two kicks in the balls. I've never seen anything like it. And never want to again. And also, Marshawn Lynch should be marshawned. (No one should be lynched.)
The "Dez Bryant Flings His Feces" Award - Wide Receivers
Julian Edelman, 2 pts
Tavon Austin, 2 pts
Marques Colston, 4 pts
Mike Williams, 5 pts
Denarius Moore, 5 pts
Cole Beasley, 1 pt
And the Screwy goes to Tavon Austin.
First of all, who the hell is Cole Beasley? Second of all, Tavon Austin was touted as something special before this season began, so that's why his 2-point ass is getting the award. That, and because the Rams are weak-willed silly ninnies. Rams were within 3 yards of the goal line twice in the 4th quarter. The first time, down 8 points, they settled for a field goal. Why?! Zac Stacy had been giving the Seahawks D hell all game and the Rams defense had been giving the Seahawks fits. Why not go for it at home? Even if you don't get it, the Seahawks have the ball super deep in their own territory. Now you have to wait until the end of the game when you're 1 yard away and it's 4th down to do what you should have done 13 and a half minutes ago. And you decide to put it all on the arm of...Kellen Clemens. Because that's worked out so well all game long.
The "Kerry Washington Is All Up On My TV This Saturday Night" Award - Tight Ends
Tony Gonzalez, 5 pts
Jason Witten, 3 pts
Julius Thomas, 5 pts
Rob Gronkowski, 4 pts
Rob Housler, 2 pts
Tyler Eifert, 4 pts
Heath Miller, 4 pts
And the Screwy goes to Julius Jason Gonzalez-Gronkowski.
I hate you. I hate you all. Gonzalez, you... Thomas, I... Witten...argh! Gronkowski's team won, but if he can only muster 4 points, he needs to get in on this shitfest. I hope you're ashamed of yourselves. Can you even look your mama in the eye? Can ya?!
The "Freeway Rick Ross Gives Jay-Z A Kick In The Teeth" Award - Kickers
Randy Bullock, 0 pts*
Caleb Sturgis, 5 pts
Adam Vinatieri, 0 pts*
Dan Carpenter, 5 pts
Steven Hauschka, 2 pts
Garrett Hartley, 3 pts
*Player was started on bye because he's a pathetic lowly kicker loser.And the Screwy goes to Garrett Hartley.
More like Garrett Notsomuchly, huh? ... Oh. Garrett Hardly. How did I miss that one? Which is what he was saying a lot on Sunday.
The "But At Least Chris Cooley Called Albert Haynesworth A Human Being" Award - Individual Defensive Players
Nick Fairley (DL), 2 pts
J.J. Watt (DL), 0 pts**
Carlos Dunlap (DL), .5 pts
Lance Briggs (LB), 0 pts**
Dontari Poe (DL), 2 pts
Osi Umenyiora (DL), 2 pts
Jared Allen (DL), 0 pts
Elvis Dumervil (LB), 0 pts**
Da'Norris Searcy (DB), 2 pts
Jason Pierre-Paul (DL), 2.5 pts
James Laurinaitis (LB), 2.5 pts
Antoine Bethea (DB), 0 pts**
Sheldon Richardson (DL), 1 pt
Alec Ogletree (LB), 2 pts
**Player was started on bye because who wants to spend money on transactions for a losing season?And the Screwy goes to Carlos Dunlap.
Pee-yeww! Half a point? You might have well just been on bye like all the other nominees. I know this category covers 3 positions, but this is a huge nominee list. Fourteen players. And this is just the IDPs who got less than 3 points. A lot of big, recognizable names, too. This is like Marshawn Lynch getting 6 points, which is crazy...because he only got 2.5 this week. Ba-zing! ... That... That joke hurt more than I thought it would. I need a moment.
The "Don't Wear Your Free Hernandez Hat To Court, Mike Pouncey" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Kansas City Chiefs, 7 pts
Pittsburgh Steelers, 8 pts
Dallas Cowboys, 8 pts
Seattle Seahawks, 7 pts
And the Screwy goes to the Kansas City Chiefs.
Chiefs D/ST averaged 19.7/game coming into this week's match, so it's a big "fuggedabout you" to all the owners who expected them to be able to shut down the Browns, a team made up of Pop Warner and Nursing Home Bingo players.
The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Andy Dalton, 44 pts for bucking Breaking Bad Tackles
Peyton Manning, 34 pts for stilletoing STLiens
Calvin Johnson, 50 pts for shaving That Bearded Mofo
Cam Newton, 34 pts for civilizing Savage Life
Drew Brees, 46 pts for allstomping Allstate Mayhem
Jordy Nelson, 31 pts for disarming ARMAGEDDON
Bengals, 27 pts for armchairing ARMAGEDDON
And the Screwy goes to Calvin Johnson.
This is some feckin' billshaz. This award needs to go to the Cowboys D, 'cause they allowed this to happen. You know--YOU KNOW--when you're facing the Lions, the game plan is to stop one man--one MACHINE--named Megatron. But apparently, Dallas' game plan was to let him catch everything that came his way. Apparently, their game plan was to let him go for over three football fields. Apparently, their game plan was to allow Calvin to break the NFL record for receiving yards in regulation. (Flipper Anderson of the 1989 Rams holds the receiving game record, but he did it in overtime.) In a week where Dalton threw 5 TDs, Brees was characteristically Brees, and Nelson proved White men can jump the bump and run, Cally Johns had to go and poo poo them all and destroy my soul.
The "Rice's 4' 9" Running Back Could Run On A Grain Of Rice" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Steve Johnson, 20 pts
Andre Ellington, 22 pts
Josh Gordon, 24 pts
Cardinals, 16 pts
And the Screwy goes to Josh Gordon.
Cole Beasley over Josh Gordon?! For real, who the hell is Cole Beasley?????
Well, it's time to close the tab and tab your clothes. That's all for the M&M 3M Million Man March 2013 Screwy Awards.
This week #1 ARMAGEDDON (6-2) takes his 2-game losing streak to #2 RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (6-2) who is without *gasp* Peyton and Welker. 'GEDDON is without his QB as well, as Stafford will be out visiting Chris Brown in jail. I'm just kidding; he and Bush are on bye, which means RB Chris Johnson may be making his first start for the fantasy team. Meanwhile, #10 Allstate Mayhem (3-5) meets me, #11 That Bearded Mofo (2-6) for the What's The Point? Bowl.
~That Award-Winning Mofo~