That Bearded Mofo

First ArticlePrev Article
Next Article Latest Article

Let Us Join Together

Published Tue Nov 5, 2013 10:30pm PST

image shaved off

It's not all bad.

I mean, for me it is all bad. If you're like me, your season has been scarier than an alligator in an airport.

image shaved off

Or at your backdoor. Or at the park.
Or anywhere. It's a damn alligator.

But if it's been all bad for me, then it has to have been all good for someone else, right? With an ungodly Raiders secondary 63 points, Nick Foles became Michael Vick circa 2010 for ARMAGEDDON. Andre Johnson became Andre Johnson circa 2008 for Allstate Mayhem. And T.Y. Hilton thought he was Andre Johnson, matching his 3 touchdowns in the same NFL game. STLiens could have won if he started a quarterback. Any quarterback. But not Matt Ryan. Or Andy Dalton. Or Aaron Rodgers, who will be discount double-checking the tenderness of his broken collarbone the next three weeks. Did the Packers just call Brett Favre?

One person's misfortune can be another's gain. For instance, Kerry Washington's husband Nnamdi is out of a job. Time to make my move.

And it's time to make your move, too. Teams are still bunched up, so there's plenty of opportunity for an upper crust team to take a conference crown or a bottom feeder team to take that #8 seed. You just gotta have that forward-thinking vision. You just gotta see four steps ahead. You gotta see how it all connects, like Neo in the Matrix.

image shaved off

Tsk, tsk. These walls are filthy.

Speaking of connects, would you like to have relations? ... Why are you frowning like that? I'm talking about making relations in everybody's favorite game: the association game. Here's a refresher on how it's done. Let's say we want to check the likelihood that Usain Bolt ate 1,000 chicken nuggets over a 10-day period at the Beijing 2008 Olympics. Does that connect?

>>>>>> 100 McNuggets > Dumb & Dumber Harry On Toilet > Usain Bolt
>>>>> 100 McNuggets a day > >>>> The runs >>>>>>>>>>> Usain Bolt

2 connections say it's golden. And as you well remember, the fewer the connections, the more solid the claim. Let's get into some tougher ones.

Association 1
By now, we've all heard that Dolphins player Jonathan Martin took emotional leave from the team after a lunchroom incident. Is former Rams and current Dolphins player Richie Incognito really capable of such man on man bullying?

Harass > Her ass > Chauvinist pig > Pork > Por que? > Parquet > Parkour > Freerunning > Freedom running > Underground railroad > Subway > "Five... Five dollar... Five dollar footloooong!" > Five dollar bill > Abe Lincoln > "Four score..." > Foreclose > Late payments > Bad resident > Bad President > George W. Bush > Compassionate Conservatism > Can't see it > Incognito

Eh... A whopping 22 connections say Richie Incognito needs to change his name to Dick Undercover and find a new job. It's a great porn name.

Association 2
A 7-year-old Virginia boy went as a hooded Klansman for Halloween. What? His mom says it's a family tradition. What what?

Virginia tradition > Virginia Slims > Slimfast milkshake > "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like 'It's better than yours.' Damn right, it's better than yours. I can teach you, but I have to charge." > Charge your phone > Charger > Dodge Charger > Dodgeball > Duck! > Bird > Tweety Bird > Sylvester the Cat > Sylvester Stallone > Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot > Stop and Frisk > Racist

15 connections say that Virginia family can trick or treat, smell my feet, slam themselves into concrete.

Association 3
No one had the over/under on collapsing head coaches this weekend. Broncos head coach John Fox had heart problems on the golf course on Saturday and on Sunday, Texans head coach Gary Kubiak suffered a stroke on the 24-yard line at halftime. Is it becoming more dangerous to be on the sidelines than on the field?

Coach > Craig T. Nelson > Poltergeist > "They're Heeere." > "Heeere's Johnny" > Ed McMahon > Egg McMuffin > McDLT > Old news > Tebow > Deebo > "You just got knocked the f**k out!"

With 11 connections, the Chiefs better keep a close eye on Andy Reid this bye week.

Association 4
News got out this past week that Mitt Romney didn't choose New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as his 2012 Presidential running mate because he thought he was a fatass. How much truth is in this claim?

Chris Christie > Republican > Elephant

That was too easy. I'd like to think we can be more clever than that.

Chris Christie > New Jersey > New York > York Peppermint Patty > Peppermint Patty > Snoopy > Woodstock > Free love > STD > HIV > Rent > "Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes." > 60 Minutes > 48 Hrs > Eddie Murphy > Charlie Murphy > Chappelle Show > "I'm rich, bitch!" > Bill Gates > "White and Nerdy" > "Weird Al" Yankovic > "Fat"

21 connections suggest we should have just stuck with 2 connections. This one needs to lose some weight. And Chappelle needs to come back.

Well, that's it then. Four puzzles and done. That's how we always do it, so we must be finished. Except there is always that final one we leave off with. Help me figure this question out.

Association 5
What shall be the result of the matchup between (2-7) That Bearded Me and (5-4) Da, Pope this week?

Loser > Cardinals > Catholic > Da,Pope

That was rude. I don't mean to insult the Cardinals like that. Let's do this over.

Champion > Red Sox > Playoff beard > That Bearded Mofo

Either way.

image shaved off

Big Papi, you really gotta cut back on the PEDs.

~That Delusional Mofo~

Comments (aka, the worst part of the Internet):
Make sure you're logged in. If you're not, I'd suggest copying all that text you just wrote before it goes bye-bye.