That's Screwed Up
Published Tue Nov 19, 2013 10:00pm PST
Did you have a greater fantasy weekend than the San Francisco "Batkid? Or was it as bad as Kanye's "Bound 2" video? At least with the video, you see shadowy Kardashian boobs. Of course you could always find that other video where they ain't so shadowy. But I have veered waaaay off subject.
Everyone is still in it at this point. Except for me. Though it looks like the Vertical Conference champion race is over. Unless Da,Pope can average 98.5 points MORE than ARMAGEDDON over the next two weeks, the conference crown and money are going to 'GEDDON.
Another big piece of news for the Vertical Conference: it looks like a name change was just what the doctor ordered as Detox has made it into the post season for the first...time...EVER. Congratulations! You're gonna get crushed.
Things are pretty tight in the Horizontal Conference. Even though his early season hopes were dim, Savage Life has strung together back-to-back wins and still has a chance to make the playoffs if all the cards fall his way. That means a lot of Allstate Mayhem and Freeworld Savages losing.
As long as they don't drop both of the next two, both Black Francis Soyer and Hitmen have enough points that they should be fine. But as far as which of the five teams still in it will claim the conference prize, who knows. You'd have a better chance of guessing how many fingers I'm holding up. Hint: You're wrong.
With all the festivities out of the way, let's get to the festivities. It's time for the Onetwothree Fourfive Sixseveneight Nineten Eleven Twelfth Annual Screwy Awards! It's the last Screwys of the year, so let's make it a good one. And for this to be good, that means they had to be very, very bad. Let's start with the quarterbacks that made you want your quarter back.
The "Tom Brady Wants A F***ing Explanation, Ref" Award - Quarterbacks
Case Keenum, 12 pts
Case Closed, lawyer pts
Case, Murder Was The, Snoop pts
And the Screwy goes to Case Keenum.
You know who's bad? (Aside from Michael Jackson.) The Houston Texans. They benched Matt Schaub because the fans booed him. They benched Case Keenum because Matt Schaub knew the no huddle better. They can't win for losing. I'm sorry, I meant they can't win for they are losers.
The "Eagles Beat The Raiders So Bad That LeSean McCoy Wears Their Pelt" Award - Running Backs
Adrian Peterson, 6 pts
Knowshon Moreno, 7 pts
Andre Ellington, 2 pts
Reggie Bush, 4 pts
Stevan Ridley, 8 pts
Frank Gore, 5 pts
Danny Woodhead, 4 pts
Jamaal Charles, 8 pts
And the Screwy goes to Andre Ellington.
So many good rushers deserving of this award. Adrian "All Day" Peterson. Jamaal "Leading The League" Charles. Reggie "I Had Kim Kardashian On A Segway" Bush. But man, Ellington's stats were enough to make you pull your hair out. Rashard Mendenhall or Andre Ellington: these are your options in Arizona. Where's Edgerrin James when you need him? Or Beanie Wells for that matter. ... I'm sorry, I'm being told that Beanie is sitting at home with a torn achilles. Even so, couldn't be worse than what the Cards are working with.
The "Andre Johnson Has Left The Building" Award - Wide Receivers
Riley Cooper, 6 pts
Golden Tate, 3 pts
Percy Harvin, 2 pts
A.J. Green, 2 pts
Emmanuel Sanders, 1 pt
Brandon Marshall, 8 pts
James Jones, 7 pts
Eddie Royal, 4 pts
And the Screwy goes to Emmanuel Sanders.
Sanders left the game with a foot problem: he had it shoved firmly in the ass of his fantasy owner. He had 1 catch for 2 yards in a game where his quarterback slang the ball 45 times, 4 of them for TDs.
The "Tony Gonzalez Wishes He Had Retired As Planned" Award - Tight Ends
Jordan Reed, 2 pts
Scott Chandler, 6 pts
Jordan Cameron, 8 pts
And the Screwy goes to Jordan Reed.
It was a bad week for tight ends named Jordan. Jordan Reed suffered a concussion. Jordan Cameron plays for the Browns. Both very terrible tragedies. Reed scored 17 or more points 3 of the 4 weeks prior to Week 11 and was on his way to making elite fantasy tight end status. Then...concussion. Cameron averaged 23.5 points the first 4 weeks of the season, ordaining him with elite fantasy tight end status. Then...Browns. I'm sure Reed will be fine, but Cameron... Being a Brown has long-lasting effects. Just ask Trent Richardson.
The "Rockettes Still Exist?!" Award - Kickers
Alex Henery, 6 pts
Graham Gano, 6 pts
Ryan Succop, 5 pts
And the Screwy goes to Ryan Succop.
There is no end to the amount of things I'd rather spend my time doing than discussing why a kicker got his suck of the week award.
The "Jason Babin Hates Your Dreadlocks" Award - Individual Defensive Players
Elvis Dumervil (LB), 0 pts
Jurrell Casey (DL), 1 pt
Brandon Carr (DB), 0 pts
Paul Posluszny (LB), 0 pts
Troy Polamalu (DB), 2 pts
DeAngelo Hall (DB), 2 pts
Brian Robison (DL), 2 pts
James Laurinaitis (LB), 0 pts
Sean Lee (LB), 0 pts
And the Screwy goes to Jurrell Casey.
I don't... I don't know who this is. Is it Superman's father?
The "Longest Time Of Possession Goes To The Chicago Thunderstorm" Award - Defense/Special Teams
St. Louis Rams, 0 pts
Tennessee Titans, 5 pts
And the Screwy goes to the Tennessee Titans.
Hey, Superman's father plays for this team. The Titans are 4-6 and number 2 in their division. Huh? In every other AFC division, a four-win team is at the bottom. But when you pal around with the Texans and the Jaguars, you look like Bill Walsh's 49ers.
The Fantasy Bastard Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Ben Roethlisberger, 43 pts for ala-peanut-butter-sandwiching All State Mayhem
Calvin Johnson, 35 pts for axing All State Mayhem
LeSean McCoy, 28 pts for backstabbing Black Francis Soyer
Matthew Stafford, 30 pts for bristling Breaking Bad Tackles
Antonio Brown, 33 pts for brittling Breaking Bad Tackles
Harry Douglas, 25 pts for rocking RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
Cincinnati Bengals, 29 pts for racking RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
Vontaze Burfict, 20.5 pts for stunting STLiens
Cam Newton, 34 pts for thumping That Bearded Mofo
Vincent Jackson, 32 pts for waxing That Bearded Mofo
Wow. An IDP has never been a Fantasy Bastard nominee before. Vontaze, stand up and take a bow. *clap clap clap*
Screwy goes to Ben Roethlisberger.
Big Ben and his fantasy teammate Calvin were the two highest scoring fantasy bastards of the week. They also were the most necessary, pulling off the closest victory of the weekend, 7.5 points. Were it not for them, Titan tight end Delanie Walker would have been a nominee in their place. Now all Walker has left to remember this weekend by is, for some reason, being unable to remember this weekend.
The "How Did J.R. Smith's Brother Get Into The NBA?" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Alex Smith, 28 pts
Bobby Rainey, 35 pts
Robert Griffin III, 30 pts
Michael Floyd, 31 pts
Chris Johnson, 20.5 pts
Matt Ryan, 20 pts
Charles Clay, 21 pts
Garrett Graham, 24 pts
And the Screwy goes to Bobby Rainey.
F**k you, Bobby Rainey. F**k you and all your useless touchdowns.
Well it's time to turn up the lights and light up the turns. That's all from the One Little Two Little Three Little Indians, Four Little Five Little Sixth Little Annual Screwy Awards!
Next week: Not only does Thanksgiving collide with Hanukkah this year, but it also collides with the season end (w)rap up. I said a hip, hop, a hippy, a hippy to the hip hip hop and we all stop... But then we continue to the playoffs. Except for me.