That Bearded Mofo

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Let Me Spell It Out For You

Published Wed Nov 13, 2013 11:00am PST

image shaved off

Well, I'm out.

I'm in last place and probably mathematically eliminated. Felt no need to check. Too depressing.

ARMAGEDDON is mathematically un-eliminated, if that's a word. It is now; I've said it. If I can't make up wins, I'll make up words. With 3 games left, there are five teams that can't reach the 8 wins 'GEDDON already has, meaning he's got a ticket to the playoffs. So pop the cork, ARMAGEDDON.

And you too, Breaking Bad Tackles. Of those 5 teams that can't reach 8 wins, 3 of them also can't reach your 7. And the two that can (Hitmen and Freeworld Savages) have to play each other the last week of the season, meaning one of them won't reach 7, can't reach 7. So you're already in, too. POP!

In fact, anybody who hits 7 will automatically be in. The winner of (6-4) RAC ON RAC ON RACKS versus (6-4) Da,Pope this weekend is automatically in. If Detox beats South Division rival STLiens this weekend, he's in. If Black Francis Soyer beats West Division rival Savage Life this weekend, he's in.

Of course, if STLiens and Savage Life lose, they will both be decidedly out alongside me. Allstate Mayhem, Hitmen, and Freeworld have a little more cushion for losing, but not much, especially since there are matchups between these three in 2 of the final 3 weeks.

Since I've been thoroughly schooled this season, I think it's time I gave back. It's time for my personal favorite bit...

Learning Your ABC's with That Bearded Mofo

Brought to you by SmackMack's Breasty Pests: the only vermin control company made up of former video vixens. Our sexterminators will get rid of the creepy crawlies in your wallies while wearing skimpy overallies!

A is for After, Asian, and Actions as in:
After Riley Cooper and Richie Incognito's actions, plus new video of Rob Gronkowski mocking an Asian fan, I expect the NFL to force Washington owner Dan Snyder to change his team's offensive name.

B is for Brother, Bilk, and Bucks as in:
Hasbro tried to bilk the engineer who invented the Super Soaker, but the brother just got 73 million bucks richer.

C is for Comedy, Canada, and Crack as in:
The crack-smoking mayor of Toronto, Canada deserves a paycheck from Comedy Central because he's a joke that writes himself.

D is for Dallas,
E is for Etch, and
F is for Forty as in:
Dallas has to change its nickname to "Small D" after the way they let New Orleans etch a new record with forty first downs.

You won't have a "small D" when our girls are on the scene. You'll pitch a tent as they pitch a tent over your roach infested house, you dirty slob.

Breasty Pests.

G is for Gangstas, Graves, and Getup as in:
Miley Cyrus got gangstas rollin' in their graves with the dead rapper getup she wore to the MTV European Music Awards.

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Yes, Miley. Please stop.

H is for Hit,
I is for In, and
J is for Joint as in:
Dwayne Bowe spent a minute in the joint on Sunday after getting caught speeding with marijuana and the NFL is gonna hit his pocket harder than he's ever been hit on the field.

K is for Kids, Killed, and Kimmel as in:
Jimmy Kimmel pranks kids for laughs, but it may have killed his career.

L is for Little, Lagging, and Lifted as in:
Little Caesars has lifted the mantle of Funniest Fast Food Commercials from lagging Jack In The Box.

Is your kitchen a fast food hangout for mice? Then Breasty Pests' Tail On Tail special is for you. For the low, low price of "how much you got there?", our lovely ladies will rump bump those rodents right out of existence, leaving you free to be the only filthy animal stinking up your home. You're disgusting.


M is for Making, Middle, and Mince as in:
Doubters didn't mince words calling Rams WR Tavon Austin a bust, but he gave them a middle finger by making it into the end zone three times on Sunday.

N is for Not, New, and Numbers as in:
New Orleans TE Jimmy Graham has not been putting up #1 pick numbers lately.

O is for Opposing, One, and Open as in:
One-win Buccaneers may just open up a can on the opposing nose-diving Falcons this weekend.

P is for Plane, Potty, and Please as in:
Please do yourself a favor and read this hilarious story about a small plane and the worst potty situation ever.

Breasty Pests' girls are the best potty situation ever. What does that mean? I don't know. Does it matter? You're a flea-ridden loser with a trashy bug-infested house and you dare question me?! Buy my service!!


Breasty Pests.

Q is for Quick,
R is for Reed, and
S is for Slow as in:
Ed Reed was quick to talk, but he'll be slow to find another job.

T is for This,
U is for Up, and
V is for Video as in:
It's fitting that Blockbuster Video gave up the ghost this week with its last ever store rental being Seth Rogen's This Is The End.

W is for Where, Waldo, and Went as in:
Now we know where Family Matters' Waldo Geraldo Faldo went thanks to those #FOMOH commercials.

X is for Xena,
Y is for Your, and
Z is for Zip as in:
Zip your lip! Xena: Warrior Princess is on.

Breasty Pests' girls got lips that don't zip, butts that don't button, and thighs that don't tie, if you know what I mean. But your place got to be clean. They ain't touching no bugs. What're you, crazy? I hate spiders!

SmackMack's! Breasty Pests!!! (Formerly Critter Titters.)

Did you learn a lot today? Good. That's all for this week. Next week: More things that no longer matter to me.

~That Out Of It Mofo~

Comments (aka, the worst part of the Internet):
Make sure you're logged in. If you're not, I'd suggest copying all that text you just wrote before it goes bye-bye.

alphonso74 says,
Nov 14, 2013 9:18:36 AM PST