BEFORE AND AFTERMATH 2013: ROUND ONE
Published Thu Dec 5, 2013 9:00pm PST
Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Too much silence.
I don't know what happened. I got gutted in the bowels weeks ago. I was a goner. I already knew it. Just waiting to bleed out. It was okay. I was the first to go. I knew I was about to reach my reward...
The number one pick of 2014. Yeah, buddy!
But then... Medics? What are you doing? Let me die. Let me go on to that UP-per roooom. Stop. Stop! Put away those paddles.
Suddenly... THWIP! THWIP! Savage Life has been sniped. Oh, naw...
Gargkhrgrh! STLiens just got his throat cut. Muthafu--
It takes 13 weeks for me to string 2 wins together, and that "streak" loses me my reward. I flatline.
As my vision fades, I see a pack of wolves circling Allstate Mayhem. That don't look good.
I hear growls. Barks. Then nothing.
Nothing but silence...
Oh well, sucks for us. We're dead. Nothing we can do about it. I could make some Paul Walker or Nelson Mandela reference, but it's too soon. And too sad. And now I feel bad.
But not as bad as I felt losing that number one pick! And losing all those games to begin with! This sucks balls. Big ol' meaty balls.
Speaking of Meatballs...
ROUND 1: EAT, DRINK, AND BILL MURRAY
Scrooged (ARMAGEDDON 10-3) vs Lost In Translation (Hitmen 6-7)
The Wins and Points Hoarder versus The Not-So-Little Engine That Should Have
It's a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past as ARMAGEDDON and Hitmen matched up in last year's first round as well. 'GEDDON has been hammering the league all season. Finish with over 200 points and 2 wins more than anybody else and what's your reward? Facing Adrian Peterson and Calvin Johnson in Round 1. Bah, humbug. Hitmen's team looks dangerous, but has fallen short more often than not, leaving Hitmen often feeling like, well...here's his fantasy tight end Vernon Davis demonstrating how it feels.
Hitmen handed ARMAGEDDON that 3rd loss just 2 weeks ago, so it's anybody's game. Will Hitmen relax like it's Suntory time? Or will ARMAGEDDON be left screaming "The bitch hit me with a toaster!"?
Season Points Avg: ARMAGEDDON - 150.81 vs 126.58 - Hitmen
It's In The Hole! It's In The Hole!: It's not yet Christmas, so Ebenezer Frank has a few more ghost visits before he gets into the spirit of giving games away. ARMAGEDDON wins.
Kingpin (Da,Pope 8-5) vs What About Bob? (RAC ON RAC ON RACKS 6-7)
The Reigning Top Dog versus The Why Not This Guy?
Last year's champion Pope has been bowling the league over, winning 5 of the last 6 weeks. With wide outs Dez and Brandon, the team has gone 159 or higher 3 times this season. With the roll that Pope is on, squeezing a win out of him is gonna be like getting milk from a bull. Meanwhile, RACKS has Peyton Manning, DeSean Jackson, Wes Welker... and 5 straight losses. RACKS has the league's 3rd highest point total, but the record leaves the team forgotten. Even with the great and powerful Peyton, that loss monkey keeps hanging around like a psych patient on your family vacation. Will RAC ON RAC ON RACKS experience Death Therapy? Or will Da,Pope be left puking his guts out like he just had sex with the old ugly landlady?
Season Points Avg: Da,Pope - 132.65 vs 130.84 - RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
It's In The Hole! It's In The Hole!: It's a close one to call. But Peyton and Welker probably won't factor much once the Broncos get up early on the Titans. Da,Pope drags RACKS into the ball return hand first. Da,Pope wins.
Caddyshack (Breaking Bad Tackles 8-5) vs Groundhog Day (Freeworld Savages 7-6)
The Ragtag Bunch That Finds A Way versus The I've Seen This Story Before
For each team, this opponent was their first of the year. For one of them, it will be the last. Breaking Bad won the first matchup thanks mostly to deep threat Demaryius Thomas. And his stalwart Seahawks D beats up on top notch offenses like the Saints and the Colts, so he's got that going for him, which is nice. With 2 late-season win streaks, Freeworld found himself going from hoping to make it into the playoffs to winning his division. The team always seems to make it in as a lower seed and then proceed to whoop ass like there's no tomorrow, because there wasn't one today. But with the 2nd fewest points of all playoff teams, it seems like Freeworld's gonna end up seeing his shadow. Will Freeworld Savages punch his adversary in the face before he can finish introducing himself? Or is Breaking Bad Tackles a Cinderella boy...outta nowhere...about to become the Gateway Champion?
Season Points Avg: Breaking Bad Tackles - 123.38 vs 116.12 - Freeworld Savages
It's In The Hole! It's In The Hole!: In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sarte, "Au revoir, Gronk." Breaking Bad Tackles wins.
Ghostbusters (Detox 8-5) vs Stripes (Black Francis Soyer 7-6)
The Exorcised The Demons versus The Underdog Veteran
Detox in the playoffs?! This is biblical. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria! Detox had fewer total points than two teams that didn't make the playoffs, but he had oh so many wins. With three 140-point games and the midseason surge of QB Andy Dalton, Detox showed that he ain't 'fraid of no opponent. Meanwhile, Psycho Soyer had a midseason surge of his own, overcoming a 1-4 start with a 5-game win streak. Now it's the playoffs, so don't even try to tell Francis to lighten up. All he knows is he finally gets to kill somebody. And after the stinker that his QB Brees put up last week, you know Drew is ready to kill somebody too. Will Black Francis Soyer rally the cadets to win the war game? Or will Detox be shouting, "We came, we saw, we kicked his ass!"?
Season Points Avg: Detox - 115.15 vs 126.19 - Black Francis Soyer
It's In The Hole! It's In The Hole!: Detox finds himself getting slimed. Black Francis Soyer wins. And that's the fact, Jack.
If I had to choose a Bill Murray movie to describe my team, it would be Quick Change, because after two straight years missing the playoffs, I need something to happen in a hurry. Good luck to everyone this week. I'll see the losers in the morgue.
~That Stay-Puft Mofo~