BEFORE AND AFTERMATH 2013: ROUND TWO
Published Thu Dec 12, 2013 3:20pm PST
Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Thursday, December 12, 2013
It's so, so cold.
As cold as the Fantasy gods' hearts. They brought on the snow. The snow games that knocked everything upside down and outta whack.
The field in Philly was so white, you couldn't see the Lions players running through the snow. Definitely couldn't see Stafford throwing the ball. Because he didn't.
The icy snow hit Reggie Bush below the knees like Gronkowski. Took him out before the game even started. The same fantasy matchup saw Adrian Peterson get felled by the snow and then snowballed by the Ravens fans.
The moment I saw those flurries on all those battlefields, I knew this was the any given Sunday I always keep hearing about.
And then the deaths began...
Detox rolled into the morgue, D.O.A. A Ben Vereen Christmas album shoved in his trachea.
Breaking Bad Tackles was brought in, eyes wide open, mouth smeared with poisoned lipstick. Kisses courtesy of the fantasy experts who said Torrey Smith was a must start.
Da,Pope stumbled in nervously muttering "Peyton Manning" over and over again. Then he just fell down for no reason and never got up.
Then suddenly, ARMAGEDDON burst through the door, chomping on a cigar, looking like a war hero. He took a sweeping gaze around the morgue. Then announced he was freeing us all. He was there to bring the dead back to life. He beckoned for us to follow him. Took one step back, slipped on black ice and slammed his head on a snow embankment. We thought he was gonna be alright, but the commotion caused two icicles to break from the awning and fall right into his eyes like two ice daggers. It was...it was probably the most horrific thing I've ever seen. And I'm dead.
But that leaves only four alive. And they're the bottom four playoff seeds. That's never happened. Sure, the number one seed seems to never make it to Round 2. But for all top four to go down...wow.
Also, all four remaining teams lost a player for next week (or longer): Mathieu, Peterson, Welker, Gronkowski. But who cares? They're alive and we ain't, so they can go snow themselves.
TALE OF THE TAPE
Black Francis Soyer (8-6) vs Hitmen (7-7)
It's been two and a half months since these teams last met. BFS took the victory in that one by a mere 3 points. But Soyer only had one tight end on his entire roster that week, the Giants' Brandon Myers who got 0 points. Who? Looks like Black Francis will be experiencing the same roster limitations times two in this matchup sequel as his playoff roster only has 2 receivers and 2 tight ends and 1 of each are missing time with injury. Hitmen has his own limitations to deal with as star Adrian Peterson looks incredibly sketchy to make an appearance in Week 15, leaving his only other running back Ryan Mathews to start. Fortunately, he has Calvin Johnson who is always great (as long as there isn't a blizzard) and who's going against the Ravens who are always bad on Monday nights. But not as bad as the Jets (when they're not playing the Raiders) who have to play against Black Francis' Panthers D who are no doubt itching to take their frustrations from their loss against the Saints out on the next guy. And hard. Soyer and Hitmen are fairly evenly matched. They've run neck and neck in record and points all season and vied for the Horizontal Conference title up until the final week of the regular season. In fact, they are so even, I predicted their Week 4 matchup would end in a tie. Remember, I was only 3 points off.
Advantages
Win Pct: Black Francis Soyer (.571)
Win Streak: Tie (1)
Points Avg: Black Francis Soyer (127.8)
Biggest Win: Hitmen (160, Wks 8 and 11)
Lowest Loss: Black Francis Soyer (Hitmen's 76, Wk 9)
Heavy Hitter: Black Francis Soyer (Drew Brees)
Albatross: Hitmen (Black Francis Soyer's John Carlson)
Advantage 4-2-1, Black Francis Soyer
Freeworld Savages (8-6) vs RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (7-7)
There's no love lost between these two squads after resistance from RAC ON RAC ON RACKS and others imploded Freeworld Savages' midseason trade plans. When they met in Week 7, Freeworld only had 2 wins, RACKS only had 1 loss. When their paths crossed, so did their fortunes. RACKS went on to finish the season with 5 straight losses. Freeworld won 4 of the next 6. In what seems to be a theme of the day, Freeworld won their first matchup despite having a Giants player (Brandon Jacobs) with a big ol' donut on the board. Victor Cruz didn't help him much either, a phrase that's been said a lot this year. But Freeworld still managed to trump RRR by 19 points, which was exactly what Gronkowski scored for Freeworld. RACKS won't have to worry about the Gronk this week, but, unfortunately, he will have to worry about the Welk. A second concussion of the season makes Welker a no-go for the early game of the week, leaving RACKS without his Manning-to-Welker double up. It looks like RAC ON will have to rely on the uncertainty of Steven Jackson to take Welker's place. Or maybe the high upside of recently returned TE Dennis Pitta. The point differential between these two teams is an average of 17 a game. That's high for the playoffs. And astonishing when you realize it's the higher seeded team that's in the deficit.
Advantages
Win Pct: RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (.571)
Win Streak: Freeworld Savages (4)
Points Avg: RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (133.3)
Biggest Win: RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (197.5, Wk 1)
Lowest Loss: RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (Freeworld Savages' 71, Wk 10)
Heavy Hitter: RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (Peyton Manning)
Albatross: RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (Freeworld Savages' Kenny Stills)
Advantage 6-1, RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
I know all four of these owners are competitors who hate to lose even more than they love to win. Best of luck to all. Try not to break anything valuable if you lose.
Next Week: We shut it down for the year. For real this time.
~That Frozen Mofo~