BEFORE AND AFTERMATH 2013: SUPERBOWL
Published Thu Dec 19, 2013 10:25pm PST
Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Oh the weather outside is frightful. So is the battlefield.
Freeworld Savages was brought in half-dead. A Victor Cruz-missile blew his legs off at the knees. They think they can save him, though.
But another guy was brought in, too. Black Francis Soyer was run over by a Carlson. Severe leg truama. Doctors say a transplant could work, but there's only one pair of legs to go around. Guess Soyer and Savages will have to rock, paper, scissors for it.
I'm fading. I feel like a Cowboys fan after that blown game against the Packers Sunday: dead inside. And maybe a little murderous.
A little Jackson 5 Christmas album on a loop should ease me off into that fantasy good night. Yeah...
...
No, wait! I don't want to be stuck listening to I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus for eight and a half months. Turn it off! Turn it offffff...
Signed,
That Ghost Mofo
AND THEN THERE WERE TWO...
(But Really Still Four)
In the undercard, 2010 Superbowl winner Freeworld Savages (8-7) takes on 2011 Superbowl loser Black Francis Soyer (8-7). Two little known facts that these teams have in common: 1) They are two of the only three teams to go the first three weeks of the season without a win. Yours beardly was the other. But they're playing longer than most now. 2) They both have two TEs on their roster, but none played last week due to injury. Freeworld makes his second straight Pooperbowl appearance in a battle against Black Francis for that "at least let me walk away with something" 3rd place cheddar.
The Superbowl
RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (8-7) vs Hitmen (8-7)
Last year, for the first time ever, a 6-win team made it to the Superbowl (ARMAGEDDON). This year, a 6-win team will win it. Never before have the 7th and 8th seeds battled for the top prize of the Gateway Fantasy Football League. And here we have two teams that finished the season under .500 now in the big game. It just goes to show you, you're not out of it until you're out of it.
RACKS is no stranger to playing in Week 16. He's won 3 Pooperbowls and lost 2. But '13 seems to be his lucky year as he is finally playing for the big money. Hitmen's lucky year seems to be 3 as he has made it to the championship game every 3 years. 2007 was a crowner, but 2010 was a downer. Hitmen looks to break the tie and go over .500 for Superbowls. A win would make him only the second multiple Superbowl winner in the league (Freeworld Savages). Currently, the league is evenly split with teams that have won or have never won the Gateway Superbowl. A win for RAC ON RAC ON RACKS would dramatically shift that.
It's been a long 10 weeks since RACKS and Hitmen last fought each other. RACKS won that one by a paltry 4.5 points thanks in no small part to Cecil Shorts III netting Hitmen a big goose egg. That week, Hitmen's Vernon Davis produced 38 points against the Cardinals. This week, he has another bird opponent, the featherless Falcons. That week (just like last week), RACKS' usually potent Peyton scored less than bench rider Cutler. But RACKS had Wes Welker, DeSean Jackson, and a strong Titans defense to pick up the slack. Single-digit performances from Hitmen's hammers Adrian Peterson and Calvin Johnson didn't hurt either.
Despite only getting 6 regular season victories, RAC ON RAC ON RACKS ended the season with the third most points in the league. Mirroring their Week 6 battle, RACKS averaged nearly 4.5 points more than Hitmen on the season. RACKS averaged 130.85 per game while Hitmen averaged 126.58. A huge Week 1 accounted for the biggest chunk of RACKS' points pot; he scored 197.5 thanks to 65 from Peyton. His second-biggest score came two weeks ago in the first round of the playoffs. But aside from that 165.50-point outing, RACKS has been in a slump of late. Excluding Week 14, he's averaged 113.8 over his last 5 games.
Meanwhile, Hitmen has maintained a healthy average. He too hit the 160 mark--twice since Week 8. But even if you excluded his 160-point game in Week 11, Hitmen is averaging 128.8 over his last 5 games. You could say Hitmen has a momentum advantage over RACKS seeing as RACKS' two playoff wins were preceded by 5 straight losses. But RACKS has never gone below 100 while Hitmen had a wretched 76 in a Week 9 loss.
That loss was by 2 points, by the way. Narrow margins were common for Hitmen this year. He had 6 games that were decided by 6 points or less. And RACKS played in 10 games where a team scored 140 or more. So this game looks to be either high-scoring or close. Or both. Probably both.
Let's go to the sidelines for a little more in-depth analysis.
QB (opp vs pass)
[RRR]
Peyton Manning @ HOU (2nd)
Avg: 35.4 Rk: 1 Pos: 1
King ding-a-ling of the fantasy football world this season. Whether he makes it to the real Superbowl this season or not, he'll be starting in this fake one.
Jay Cutler @ PHI (31st)
Avg: 20.9 Rk: 56 Pos: 24
Cutler against a soft Eagles passing D. It's tempting. ... It is tempting.
[Hm]
Ben Roethlisberger @ GB (22nd)
Avg: 22.7 Rk: 10 Pos: 10
Steelers versus Packers in Lambeau. 1960s football is in the house.
Ryan Fitzpatrick @ JAC (19th)
Avg: 22.0 Rk: 47 Pos: 22
Fitzpatrick is like a seesaw. Big points one week, little the next. Last week was a big week, so buyer beware.
RB (opp vs run)
[RRR]
Maurice Jones-Drew vs TEN (10th)
Avg: 10.7 Rk: 118 Pos: 21
We're not even sure he's gonna suit up this week. That's a shame. Even though MJD started the season off horribly, he's turnt it up lately.
Rashad Jennings @ SD (19th)
Avg: 10.5 Rk: 127 Pos: 22
MJD's former NFL teammate is now his fantasy teammate. He's been banging the ball pretty good in lieu of Oakland's main running back Darren BreakFadden. You know, 'cause he misses games due to injury every year.
DeAngelo Williams vs NO (12th)
Avg: 9.2 Rk: 168 Pos: 24
Last week, Williams scored almost as many points as he's scored in his previous 4 games combined. That was with fellow running back John Stewart out. And 13.5 of that came from a 72-yard TD pass. Soooo, yeah, I'm gonna pass.
Steven Jackson @ SF (27th)
Avg: 9.8 Rk: 226 Pos: 33
This untrustworthy mutha... Wait! San Francisco is 27th against the run??? Since when??? That stat is just trying to set S-Jax up for a letdown.
[Hm]
Adrian Peterson @ CIN (28th)
Avg: 15.7 Rk: 44 Pos: 6
All Day is supposed to be back this week. If he is, I bet he has a 200-yard day.
Ryan Mathews vs OAK (24th)
Avg: 11.8 Rk: 95 Pos: 15
He's done very well the last couple weeks. And this week he's got the Raiders, whose starting linebacker is that paper banner high school cheerleaders stretch out for the varsity to run through.
WR (opp vs pass)
[RRR]
DeSean Jackson vs CHI (11th)
Avg: 18.0 Rk: 29 Pos: 8
Jackson delivered his biggest score of the season last week with a 35-point performance. He has had a few single-digit games, but this year has been a big one for the guy that used to put the ball down on the one-yard line.
Wes Welker @ HOU (2nd)
Avg: 15.6 Rk: 45 Pos: 17
It's been a rough season of bungled kick returns for Welker. It's an even rougher season for fantasy owners when Welker can't contribute. His second concussion of the season has left him still not yet confirmed to play this week. Bummer.
Emmanuel Sanders @ GB (22nd)
Avg: 11.4 Rk: 87 Pos: 29
Not Barry. Not Deion. Not even Colonel. But this Sanders should do well enough against a weak Packers secondary.
Rueben Randle @ DET (23rd)
Avg: 8.86 Rk: 157 Pos: 47
He scored nothing last week. NOTHING. And that's with teammate Victor Cruz needing his knee scoped. He's not seeing the light of day on a fantasy squad.
[Hm]
Calvin Johnson vs NYG (12th)
Avg: 22.2 Rk: 16 Pos: 1
Calvin had some big, inexcusable drops last week, but still went for almost 100 yards. Calvin's go'n be Calvin. Speaking of which, does anybody else think the Calvin Johnson as Calvin, P. Diddy as Johnson commercials are...odd? It's weird. It's just plain weird and doesn't make sense. And don't call yourself Johnson. Just sounds perverted.
Cecil Shorts III vs TEN (10th)
Avg: 11.4 Rk: 90 Pos: 30
Shorts is done-zo for the rest of the year, having been placed on IR. I could say Shorts has been cut short, but I won't because I have my dignity.
Riley Cooper vs CHI (11th)
Avg: 11.1 Rk: 93 Pos: 31
Dropping the N-word wasn't anywhere near as brutal as what he did to the Raiders in Week 9. And then the Packers in Week 10. He's fallen off dramatically since, having only reached the end zone twice for two 2-point conversions.
Dwayne Bowe vs IND (14th)
Avg: 9.9 Rk: 123 Pos: 39
He... He should be better than this. Maybe it's because his QB doesn't make long throws. I don't know. Bowe usually gets 7 points or 15 points. He's not a strong punch to pack for the Superbowl.
Danny Amendola @ BAL (13th)
Avg: 8.4 Rk: 177 Pos: 51
I wonder if an NFL team could contract some sort of roster timeshare with Amendola and McFadden. Get two for the price of one since you know they're both gonna miss games.
Roddy White @ SF (4th)
Avg: 8.2 Rk: 255 Pos: 65
The season was not supposed to go like this for the Falcons. Roddy has been okay lately, but against the Niners? No thanks.
TE (opp vs pass)
[RRR]
Jordan Cameron @ NYJ (26th)
Avg: 14.0 Rk: 48 Pos: 2
Suddenly, he's got a concussion. Just like suddenly, in the middle of the season, he wasn't good no more.
Dennis Pitta vs NE (18th)
Avg: 10.0 Rk: 852 Pos: 57
Guess who's back... Back again... Pitta's back.... Get you 10.
[Hm]
Vernon Davis vs ATL (25th)
Avg: 13.9 Rk: 49 Pos: 3
Davis has 12 TDs in 14 games. Among TEs, that's second only to Jimmy "I'm muthaf#@kin' Jimmy Graham" Graham.
Martellus Bennett @ PHI (31st)
Avg: 10.4 Rk: 107 Pos: 10
Untrustworthy. Has only hit double digits twice in the last 8 games. Martellus Bennett? More like Martellus Something Different, Please.
Owen Daniels vs DEN (28th)
Avg: 13.0 Rk: 386 Pos: 34
There's talk that Owen could play this week. For the Texans. He could play for the Texans. The Texans. Why are we even having this conversation?
K (opp vs pts)
[RRR]
Blair Walsh @ CIN (6th)
Avg: 8.5 Rk: 173 Pos: 10
Oh kickers. When will we ever care?
Caleb Sturgis @ BUF (18th)
Avg: 8.0 Rk: 190 Pos: 16
Not yet.
[Hm]
Mason Crosby vs PIT (15th)
Avg: 9.6 Rk: 132 Pos: 5
Still no.
IDP (opp offense)
[RRR]
Greg Hardy (DL) vs NO (5th)
Avg: 3.5 Rk: 513 Pos: 20
The Hardy they fall.
Patrick Willis (LB) vs ATL (16th)
Avg: 5.4 Rk: 320 Pos: 39
The Willis to win.
Alterraun Verner (DB) @ JAC (31st)
Avg: 5.2 Rk: 343 Pos: 31
Alterraun vehicle.
[Hm]
Rob Ninkovich (DL) @ BAL (29th)
Avg: 4.8 Rk: 375 Pos: 4
Every Ninkovich way but loose.
Lavonte David (LB) @ STL (26th)
Avg: 9.1 Rk: 146 Pos: 4
All you need is Lavonte.
Antrel Rolle (DB) @ DET (3rd)
Avg: 6.6 Rk: 246 Pos: 6
Come Antrel or high water. ... With all these eccentric IDP names, I'm on a Rolle. That was a bonus one for you. My way of saying thanks for continuing to read this far down.
DEF (opp offense)
[RRR]
Titans @ JAC (21st)
Avg: 10.6 Rk: 102 Pos: 14
Against Jacksonville, this defense has to be a must start. Especially when your other option is...
Saints @ CAR (5th)
Avg: 9.3 Rk: 143 Pos: 28
Ain'ts. And against a Carolina team that's primed and in the hunt... No way.
[Hm]
Browns @ NYJ (30th)
Avg: 12.1 Rk: 73 Pos: 7
Been a good play most weeks with sporadic smash performances. Hit 23 in Week 5, 19 last week, and 15 three times this season. But what's most important is that big ol' N-Y-J sitting up there. A girl scout troop would look good defending against the Jets.
Steelers @ GB (4th)
Avg: 9.4 Rk: 142 Pos: 27
If Rodgers is back, no. If Flynn is in...still no. Browns are playing the Jets. There's like 10 points off the bat just for looking Geno Smith in the eye.
Good luck, competitors.
To you and yours, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and an Unbelievably Great New Year. And, as always, never forget the most important holiday gift... No more stressful Monday nights until September.
'Til 2014...
~That Bearded Mofo~