That Bearded Mofo

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Wanted But Not Needed

Published Tue Oct 20, 2015 9:30pm PST

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Everybody is talking about the Star Wars Episode VII trailer that played during Monday Night Football. I just picture a TV exec asking his boardroom full of minions, "How do we get nerds to sit through half a football game?" Star Wars!

Did it work? Of course it did. That game was wack, but ratings were up. Ooh, I just got an idea for a major moneymaker.

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The Adventures of Doc Brown & Yoda
Alternate title: Give Me All Your Money

I gotta say, even though they overhyped the premiere of the trailer on MNF, I didn't expect non-football-loving Star Wars lovers to actually tune in the TV to watch it. In an age where a B-lister's morning yawn at ComicCon will find its way onto the Internet by lunchtime, I was sure geeks, dweebs, nerds, what have you would just wait the five minutes or so it would take for the trailer to appear on the web instead of bothering with a second of, eghh, football. But I was wrong because, of course, Star Wars!

There were some superstar wars this weekend in the Gateway League. In 3 of the games, the teams combined for 291 or more points. The 333.9-point matchup between ARMAGEDDON and Da,Pope was so high-powered that 'GEDDON became EXPLOSIVE. Literally. He changed his name to EXPLOSIVE. His next opponent The Black & The Goaled says next week he'll be changing his name again to WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED.

While some of us exploded, others just busted. It was a week where the rich got richer and the poor... Well, let's just say that it reflected America's current state.

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Just great. Not only is it a dot, but it's in Texas.
Ugh. South Texas.

It was a colorful week in the world. A week full of mistakes and miscreants. Crimes against humanity. It's my sworn duty to warn you of the baddest of them all. Once again, we put a name to those top offenders. Once again, we send out a search party for That Bearded Mofo's Most Wanted.

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Perpetrator: NFL Network
For the crime of: Indecent exposure
Last seen: Broadcasting naughty bits from the Bengals locker room
If you should find NFL Network, fine NFL Network. There's a reason you shoot into the player's locker for the interview. Who spot checked that backdrop? "How'd that look, Earl? Was there a hair on the lens?" "Yeah, Albert. A whole lot of hairs."

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Perpetrator: Chuck Pagano
For the crime of: Attempted trickeration
Last seen: Trying to run this play(?) on 4th down against the Patriots in their own territory

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The hell?

If you should find Chuck Pagano, don't ask him what he was thinking. It doesn't matter what he was thinking. Just give him whatever interview lessons or resume advice you have. He'll need it at the end of the season. The Colts could go 13-0 the rest of the way and hoist that Lombardi trophy and the GM will still can Pagano. That play gave Grigson all the ammo he needs to pull the trigger. You can tell the magnitude of how embarrassing the play was based on the quality of the memes it has produced.

Should've snapped it to Bo Jackson and
zigzagged all the way to the end zone.

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Perpetrator: Pumpkin spice
For the crime of: Monopolization
Last seen: Everyf**kingwhere
If you should find a pumpkin spice latte or pumpkin spice muffin or pumpkin spice toothpaste, smash it. Smash it like a pumpkin. If it even looks like a pumpkin, smash it. Sorry, oompa loompas. If someone even says the word pumpkin, smash them. Smash them flat. If your adorable little daughter says "pumpkin", tell her "Sorry, pumpkin. I gotta smash you." And then smash yourself for calling her "pumpkin".

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Perpetrators: Eddie Lacy and Alfred Morris
For the crime of: Fraud
Last seen: Not running
If you should find either Lacy or Morris, then you must be walking. Walking very gingerly. Perhaps even at old lady speed. Certainly not very far. Maybe just to the end of the block. In fact, we should just check the stadiums. I doubt they've made it as far as the parking lot by now.

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Perpetrators: Space alien contractors
For the crime of: Operating without a permit
Last seen: Building... Flying... Doing something with... some thing 1,500 light years from here, I don't know. Also, this shit:

The f**k?

If you should find the supernatural beings behind China's floating city or that abnormally orbiting gigantic mystery object way out there in space, I suggest you pull a Kent Brockman and welcome your new alien overlords. For real, though, what is that space thing? Is it a death star? Is it a spaceman-made planet? Whatever it is, I think the scariest part is that everything we're noticing about it right now actually happened 1,500 years ago.

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Perpetrators: Yellow-bellied Sea Snakes
For the crime of: Home invasion
Last seen: Storming the shores of California
If you should find a yellow-bellied sea snake, don't call it a yellow-bellied sea snake unless you've got 2 six-shooters on your hips and wanna meet outside the saloon at high noon. No, but really, California is doomed. And I, for one, welcome our new slithery overlords.

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See? It's not hard.

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Perpetrators: Michigan and Michigan State
For the crime of: Attempted murder
Last seen: Ending their game on a literally heart attack-inducing play
If you should find Michigan, give Jim Harbaugh and the student body a much needed hug. If you should find Michigan State, make sure you stay out of Le'Veon Bell's way and take your heart medication.

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Perpetrator: Tracy Morgan
For the crime of: Joywalking
Last seen: Bringing his classic characters Brian Fellow and Astronaut Jones back to SNL
If you should find Tracy Morgan, don't call him Tracy Jordan. That's not him, that's just a character. Call him Astronaut Jones!

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Perpetrator: The field at Levi's Stadium
For the crime of: Reckless endangerment
Last seen: Swallowing the Ravens' kicker like Sunday dinner
If you should find the turf at Levi's Stadium, congrats! You made it! You're a 49er. I always knew you could do it, man. Lemme hold a G.

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Perpetrator: Anthony Mackie
For the crime of: Trump stumping
Last seen: "Drinking the Kool-Aid" on Donald Trump
If you should find Anthony Mackie, just stare at him. Shake your head in wonderment and stare at him. Then shrug it off because, are you really surprised?

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Perpetrator: Ben Roethlisberger
For the crime of: Neglect
Last seen: Leaving Antonio Brown in incapable hands
If you should find Ben Roethlisberger, give him a rub down, carry him around, do whatever it takes to get him back on the field. This is a debacle. So many missing Antonio Brown points. It's horrible. They say Landry Jones taking over for old man Mike Vick is better for Brown. I say, which one of Jones' two completed passes to Brown last week makes you think that? Jones failed to connect with Brown four times, including a 2-point try. Double points gone!! And did you see that look on Antonio's face when Landry threw the ball at his feet? Ben, you better slap some robotech on that knee and get your ass out there this Sunday.

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Perpetrator: Old Biff Tannen
For the crime of: Insider trading; Grand theft auto/time machine
Last seen: Giving himself a present in 1955, getting shot in 1985, and fading away in 2015 in this deleted scene

Make like a tree and-- Oh, he's gone.

If you should find old Biff Tannen with a Grays Sports Almanac, it must be Wednesday October 21, 2015. Check the calendar. Is that today? It is? Great Scott! You're in the future. Quick. Snatch the nearest hoverboard and race over to the McFly house. You've got to warn Marty Sr. that his boss is eavesdropping on his video call. Then ask him how come they got flying cars but still use fax machines?

That's the 12 Most Wanted for this week. What many of you really want this week, though, are Aaron Rodgers, Matt Forte, Andy Dalton, A.J. Green, Demaryius Thomas, and the Broncos D. But you can't have them. They're on bye. So bye, bye, bye bye bye.

We're rolling into that State of the League next week. There's not a single division game in Gateway this week and there's only two conference matchups. However, every win counts and this is the last chance to get your record over that .500 mark before you're judged in front of the entire world.

In Game 1, we have the definitive battle for 1st place as top two teams Hitmen (5-1) and The Comeback Kid (5-1) square off. Hitmen outweighs Comeback by 9 points per game, but The Kid is on a 3-game winning streak, currently the longest in the league.

Game 2 sees The Black & The Goaled (3-3) face off against EXPLOSIVE (3-3). EXPLOSIVE is riding high coming off a whopping 177.3-point game (the 2nd highest score of the week after Hitmen's 178), but Black & Goaled leads him by more than 100 overall points (17 per game).

Moving to Game 3, struggling Detox (1-5) takes on Savage Life (3-3). Detox is jonesing for a win and could find his second one this week against Savage Life who will be without Mr. Discount Double Check.

In Game 4, STLiens (3-3) tries to clown Da,Pope (4-2). If reigning champion Da,Pope and his league-leading points average can win this one, he may find himself at the top of the conference depending on the outcome of The Comeback Kid's matchup.

Game 5 has the lackluster squad of GameTime Decision (2-4) going up against faltering Allstate Mayhem (3-3). Mayhem currently holds the worst streak at 3 straight losses after starting the season with 3 straight wins. Luckily, this week he faces the team with the most points scored against (147 per week), making GTD the team everybody can set the ship right on.

And finally, Game 6 features the rising RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (2-4) and Back 2 Black (Charged UP) (2-4) who is just trying to stay afloat. RACKS seems to be done with his spate of unfortunate matchups. However, it seems to be Black who has drawn the fortunate matchup this week as 6 of RACKS' players are on bye, including both QBs Peyton and Cutler.

That's all from your fuzzy facial-haired Jedi master this week. Stay on the lookout for what you most want. I sure will.

~That Force Awakening Mofo~

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