Keepin' It 100
Published Tue Oct 13, 2015 7:50pm PST
As in "Happy birthday, Grandma. ... I said HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDM-- She can't hear me."
As in "Since when the hell is it this hot in October? Damn you, El Nino."
As in "Can you break a big face Ben?"
As in "Great job on your state capitals, Timmy. Quick! What's the capital of Michigan? Just kidding. You'll never need that. Ever."
As in "Hey, who took my Dalmatian?"
As in "Fat free?! That means I can eat five times as many!"
As in "Oh, God! Don't let there be a hundred of these."
No, there are not a hundred of those. But there are a hundred of these. This is the 100th fantasy football-related article written by That Bearded Mofo. Happy centarticle! Yeah, that's the best I could come up with to describe this event. Sorry. I'm a terrible writer, as you've seen over my last 99 pieces.
So, as mentioned in my last article, I figured I should do something special for the 100th. Something other than a rap video. Something different. Something inventive. Something you've never seen before.
So anyway, here's a rap video. It's set to the instrumental of Jay-Z's "99 Problems". Here now is "99 Columns (Plus 1)" from That Bearded Mofo. Please enjoy.
I'm often snarky and insincere in my columns because sarcasm and irony are funny, but I'll step away from that for a brief moment to give my sincerest thanks to everyone for sticking around through 100 of these. Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read even one of my columns, fantasy football or otherwise. I appreciate your support and value your audience.
Before we get on with the show, one last thing. The lyrics to "99 Columns (Plus 1)" are below in case you want to read them. If you don't, it's short, so you can skim past them easily. But it's short, so you might as well read them. It wouldn't hurt you to read them. Why don't you want to read them?
99 Columns (Plus 1)
If you haven't read my columns, I feel bad for you son.
I got ninety-nine on fantasy, plus this one.
For fantasy I'm the man to see
My silly take on the football week
Don't give advice nor am I given a fee
Just do it for love. Plus, who would pay me?
Always been creative or so it would seem
Started looking for fame with this writing scheme
When Bearded Mofo was the name of my team
I made it a website, now I'm living the dream
I'm like a vulture scoping out the pop culture
And mix it with football to make laughs for y'all
From Screwys to ABCs to things you didn't know
Like when I first posted six years ago
This fantasy I never fantasized
I'd get to a hundred. This all began 'cause I
Was The Joker Beast just talking smack for fun
Now I got ninety-nine on fantasy, plus this one
Ninety-nine on fantasy, plus this one
If you haven't read my columns, I feel bad for you, son
I got ninety-nine on fantasy, plus this one
You know, Jon Gruden broadcasted his 100th game of Monday Night Football this week. Copycat. And what an ending to that game! On a game-ending scoring play in a week full of game-ending scoring plays thanks to several overtimes.
The week was also full of tight finishes and firsts. RACKS got his first win of the season. Now there are no more winless teams. Hitmen got his first loss of the season. Now there are no more undefeated teams. GameTime stole another one on Monday night. It's the only way my crappy team knows how to win. And Pope continues his dominance with 3 straight wins and 3 straight weeks with the highest score.
All in all, it was a pretty great week. Or a very crappy one, depending how you look at it. If you're looking up from the ground because you got run over, then, yeah, not so pretty. If you owned Jamaal Charles, it's a straight up baboon's ass.
The fantasy football season is just over a third of the way done which means no team is really out of it yet. Even 1-4 teams have a shot at the playoffs. You 0-5 teams are done though. Just give up. In everything. Your job, your, family, your health. Because none of it matters if you're not plugging fake guys into an imaginary lineup on a heavily sponsored website in mid-December. None of it. Just lay in a coffin now.
Seriously though, always keep trying. It's never over until you're mathematically eliminated. Sure, going 8-0 or even 5-3 for the rest of the season might seem impossible but it's not. The Bengals and the Falcons are 5-0, so of course anything can happen. And you can win your next game and your next game and your next one, but only if you don't give up. I probably should have given up 99 articles ago, but I keep going because some day I know I'll get it right.
In getting to 100, the routine that has helped me pad my stats the most is when I hand out trophies to the players that made you wanna barf. So it's fitting that we celebrate this milestone article with another venture to that
overused beloved ceremonial bit. It's time to clap for the crap, give props to the flops, and name the shame to blame. It's time for the 100th Annual Screwy Awards! Take that, Oscars. Beat you by 13 years if you give me credit for lying.
First up tonight, we lead off with the leader of the team: quarterback. Whether you prefer to call them passers, throwers, or tossers, just know that the guys we're about to present to you couldn't so much as pass gas, throw a fit, or toss their lunch this weekend. But they sure made you do it.
The "Hey, Stafford, It Was Supposed To Be A Threat, Not A Challenge" Award - Quarterbacks
Derek Carr, 15.4 pts
Peyton Manning, 9.3 pts
Russell Wilson, 16.7 pts
And the Screwy goes to Peyton Manning.
Manning hasn't been a Screwy nominee since 2012. That's saying a lot considering how old he has looked lately. I'm talking record player old. I mean rotary phone old. I'm saying Betamax old. And yet, he still wins! If only you could get fantasy points for Peyton Manning victories. Instead, you just get John Elway face.
The "Referees Aren't Supposed To Run Out The Clock" Award - Running Backs
LeGarrette Blount, 7.4 pts
Jamaal Charles, 8.9 pts
Jeremy Hill, 3 pts
Mark Ingram, 8.4 pts
Eddie Lacy, 4 pts
Latavius Murray, 7.2 pts
Joseph Randle, 9.3 pts
And the Screwy goes to Jeremy Hill and Eddie Lacy.
These were both so low, the award had to be split. Both backs went against staunch defenses in the Seahawks and Rams, respectively, but that's not much of an excuse when the backups outscore you. Hill seems to be stuck in a timeshare with Bernard leaving the 2015 Bengals backfield shaping up into 2014 expectations. And Lacy, well, he loves starting a season off slow, doesn't he? Only 27 yards running on Sunday? I beat that just on trips to the toilet. Chili nachos, amirite?
The "800-Pound Man Evicted From Hospital Over Pizza Delivery" Award - Wide Receivers
Antonio Brown, 7.5 pts
Randall Cobb, 5.3 pts
Marques Colston, 6.6 pts
Amari Cooper, 8.9 pts
Pierre Garcon, 8.1 pts
Leonard Hankerson, 2.3 pts
Percy Harvin, 0 pts
Vincent Jackson, 4.4 pts
Jordan Matthews, 9.4 pts
Donte Moncrief, 1.3 pts
And the Screwy goes to Percy Harvin.
Harvin got 1 yard Sunday and it was on a run. In reverse. He got -1 yard on Sunday. The guy who is known for getting headaches was a headache to fantasy owners this weekend. Four targets, no catches. Who is he? Andre Johnson circa Week 4? And speaking of Colts receivers... Good grief, Moncrief! How do you go from nine targets a game to three? Six catches a game to one? You know, I'm starting to think this winning-NFL-games thing is more important to you players than fantasy football.
The "Daniel Fells' Foot Memorial" Award - Tight Ends
Dwayne Allen, 3.1 pts
Martellus Bennett, 7.2 pts
Charles Clay, 1.7 pts
Owen Daniels, 0 pts
Coby Fleener, 2.9 pts
Jimmy Graham, 6 pts
Travis Kelce, 6.5 pts
Delanie Walker, 7.6 pts
Jason Witten, 6.3 pts
And the Screwy goes to Owen Daniels.
F**k you, Daniels. The Raiders were ranked dead last against tight ends. You had five chances to get even a single point and you failed every time. Against the Raiders! I coulda started anyone else. You coulda had class. You coulda been a contender. Instead of a bum, which is what you are. Let's face it, Daniels.
The "Steve Sarkisian Likes To Add A Little Kick To His Gatorade" Award - Kickers
Matt Bryant, 5 pts
Cairo Santos, 3 pts
Greg Zuerlein, 4 pts
And the Screwy goes to Cairo Santos.
Cairo Santos? More like... Actually, that's a pretty cool name. He sounds like the lead character in a spy novel. "My name is Cairo Santos. You blew up my embassy. Prepare to die." Secret agent? Yes. Fantasy kicker? Ejector seat.
The "John Goodman Looks Like He Lost A Linebacker" Award - Individual Defensive Players
Ezekiel Ansah (DL), 3 pts
Calais Campbell (DL), 2 pts
Aaron Donald (DL), 2.5 pts
Cameron Heyward (DL), 1 pt
Rob Ninkovich (DL), 1 pt
Stephon Tuitt (DL), 3.5 pts
J.J. Watt (DL), 1 pt
Preston Brown (LB), 4 pts
DeAndre Levy (LB), 0 pts
C.J. Mosley (LB), 1.5 pts
John Cyprien (DB), 4.5 pts
Earl Thomas (DB), 4.5 pts
Eric Weddle (DB), 1.5 pts
And the Screwy goes to J.J. Watthehell?!
What exactly does J.J. stand for? Jumpin' Jehoshaphat? Just joking? I know what it doesn't stand for: 0 solo tackles. This tire flipping bastard has put up one 0-point fantasy outing per season over the last 2 years, so we'll chalk this up as his 2015 stinker. With Jacksonville, Miami, and Tennessee next up on the slate, we better see wide receiver-type fantasy numbers from you, Watt.
The "Kids Nae Nae The Darndest Things" Award - Defense/Special Teams
New York Giants, 6.5 pts
Baltimore Ravens, 7.4 pts
Houston Texans, 5.2 pts
And the Screwy goes to the Houston Texans.
You can't defend Matt Hasselbeck? The man retired 3 years ago, he just doesn't know it yet. And he was sick. Did not practice at all. Basically came straight from the hospital bed to the 20-yard line. Yet no sacks, no interceptions, no fumbles. And your special teams had a total of 11 return yards. Maybe there is a Hard Knocks curse.
The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Tom Brady, 32 pts for awling Allstate Mayhem
Devonta Freeman, 29.2 pts for mayhemming Allstate Mayhem
Justin Forsett, 25 pts for State Farming Allstate Mayhem
Sam Bradford, 24.9 pts for dethroning Detox
Fletcher Cox, 16 pts for decking Detox
Aaron Rodgers, 22.9 pts for hitching Hitmen
Shane Vereen, 21 pts for hitting Hitmen
Eli Manning, 39.1 pts for blackening The Black & The Goaled
Denver Broncos, 23.1 pts for black eying The Black & The Goaled
Antonio Gates, 30.2 pts for end timing ARMAGEDDON
Allen Robinson, 26.2 pts for stealthing STLiens
Tyler Eifert, 29 pts for startling STLiens
And the Screwy goes to Eli Manning.
You sly Manning you. Eli threw for 441, his first 400-yard game during the fantasy season since Week 1 of 2013. It took almost losing to the sad sort 49ers for him to do it, but Eli's shame was The Comeback Kid's gain. And Black & Goaled's bane. Special shout out to 30-point notchers Brady and Gates who also went full bastard on a couple of teams' hopes and dreams.
The "Urkel Is A Big Dummy" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Brandin Cooks, 21.7 pts
Andy Dalton, 34.3 pts
Larry Donnell, 15.5 pts
Atlanta Falcons, 17.2 pts
Joe Flacco, 28.7 pts
Andre Johnson, 25.7 pts
Colin Kaepernick, 27.4 pts
Doug Martin, 35.3 pts
DeMarco Murray, 21.5 pts
Willie Snead, 20.1 pts
And the Screwy goes to Doug Martin.
Gaaaadamn. Martin hasn't had a 30-point game in 3 years. Hell, he hasn't even had a 15-point game in that time except for these last 2 weeks. It's just not right. He's not supposed to do that. Three TDs in this game when he only had one on the season to begin with. Don't call him the Muscle Hamster; call him Fluky Dookie Martin. You know who else ain't right? Andre Johnson. How dare you, sir? And against your old team. How were fantasy owners supposed to know that actually mattered, Mr. Back-To-Back Goose Eggs. Oh by the way, DeMarco Murray, screw you!
Well, it's time to bring down the curtain and bring up the house lights. That's all from the 100th Fantasy Screwy Awards!
Next week in the Gateway Fantasy League, the North takes on the West Division and the South takes on the East. The only interesting or somewhat even matchup seems to be the family affair between Allstate Mayhem (3-2) and STLiens (2-3). Mayhem has the most foppish sounding duo of running backs in Gurley and Lacy, while STLiens has Julio and every Cardinals running back except Chris Johnson. So, you know, those are people.
The annual State of the League is around the corner. We've all got a couple more shots to beef up that win percentage before the official report comes out. Personally, I'm looking to win the next 100 straight. What can I say? This centarticle has inspired me.
~That #100 Mofo~