Earning Your Letters
Published Tue Nov 17, 2015 11:10pm PST
What a week of upsets. The Bears over the Rams. Why?
Jaguars over the Ravens. Bullcrap.
Lions over the Packers. Lions over the Packers?! In Green Bay? In any place??? You're kidding me!
Washington over the Saints. It's like they're tryna get somebody fire--oops.
Dolphins over the Eagles. A mammal-fish ain't supposed to be able to catch no bird.
Chiefs over the Broncos. Peyton became immortal on his second pass, then died on the field. He will be missed.
Texans over the Bengals. Well, honestly, we should've all seen this one coming. I mean, the Bengals were 8-0. That's not right.
This week in Gateway was a lot less surprising. Every game pretty much went accordingly. With ten weeks of Season 11 in the books, it's been all Hitmen all season long. At 8-2 and 1st in the league in record and points, the uncatchable team of assassins has already clinched a playoff seed.
But wait, there's more! Resident champion Da,Pope has also snagged a spot in post-season play. The way the schedule shakes out, a jumble of middle seed battles means not enough teams will be able to catch up to his 7 wins. So Pope can start prepping for Week 14.
But wait! There's--oh, no that's it. No one else is safe yet. Everyone else needs to study that waiver wire hard and buckle down and get that team high and tight. High and tight!
While you're in preparation mode, how about getting a little practice in on the fundamentals? It's time once again for you to step into my classroom. It's time for your 7th session of...
Learning Your ABC's with That Bearded Mofo
Brought to you by SmackMack's Bare-istas: the world's best(ish) all-nude gourmet coffee shop. Watch us grind your beans while you grind your jeans if you know what we means. Bare-istas!
A is for Accuracy, Astoundingly, and Awful as in:
The accuracy of the NFL referees this year has been astoundingly awful.
B is for Backfield, Better, and Bucks as in:
Garçon better give Jones an even split of the fifteen bucks he found in the backfield.
C is for Christmas, Coincidentally, and Colorblind as in:
Colorblind people couldn't see the Bills' and Jets' coincidentally Christmas-colored uniforms Thursday night and non-colorblind people couldn't unsee them.
D is for Dance, Dopey, and Drew as in:
Did you see backup QB Drew Stanton's dopey booty shake dance celebrating Andre Ellington's 48-yard TD run?
Ask for the Mocha Booty Shake at Bare-istas and we'll blend your drink right in the crack of Mocha's ass. She's not employee of the month for nothing. And today only, Mocha Booty Shake your drink for half price! Offer not available on specialty drinks Flappuccino, The Morning After, Browneye Roast, Kamasumatra, Ethiopian Blonde, and Hazelmuff.
Bare-istas.
E is for Eating, Efficient, and Everybody as in:
Everybody makes fun of me for eating sushi with a fork, but I'm a 'Murrican and chopsticks ain't efficient to me.
F is for Flack,
G is for Got, and
H is for Hype as in:
With all the flack Russell Wilson got about not being "Black enough", it doesn't help that the hype man for his Bose commercial is Macklemore.
maybe the commercial's slogan should be "Play better."
I is for In, Include, and Indigestion as in:
The Dolphins should include Pepto Bismol at the concession stands because giving away a safety in three straight weeks is sure to give the Miami fans a bad case of indigestion.
J is for James,
K is for King, and
L is for Looks as in:
It looks like King James, a.k.a. LeBron, is more comfortable now going without his crown, a.k.a. sweatband, covering his hairline, a.k.a. forehead growth.
Orrr... It's uncanny how much that Starbucks "War on Christmas" guy looks like The King of Queens star Kevin James.
Our coffee girls don't look like Kevin James. Except for the one named Jevin Kames. Could it be his twin sister? Wouldn't you like to find out? No? Why do you hate Christmas?
Barerarawrs!
M is for Mad, Manning, and Minus as in:
Peyton Manning got fantasy owners mad over his minus-7 performance.
N is for No one,
O is for Oppresses, and
P is for Paris as in:
No one oppresses Paris. No one.
Q is for Questionable, Quick, and Quips as in:
The Internet was quick to make questionable quips about tiger blood and Charlie Sheen's HIV status.
R is for Reached, Remarkable, and Replacement as in:
Face replacement surgery has not yet reached the perfection of Cage's and Travolta's Face/Off, but it's remarkable how close doctors have come.
Bare-istas is proud to say that we've only been involved in three face-related lawsuits. And in one of them, we were the claimants. Also, it's not true that we put breast milk in our creamer, but it's not not true. Technically, something in that sentence has to be accurate, so it's not a lie and you can't prove it in court. Look, long story short, we have breasts, we have milk, and sometimes you take a scalding hot double shot to the face. That's coffee.
SmackMacks!
Bare-istas.
S is for Side, Stardom, and Sweet as in:
Warning: Side effects of Patti Labelle's Sweet Potato Pie are coonery, croonery, and Internet stardom.
T is for Three, Truck, and Type as in:
The Pudding Truck is so great, it gave me Type Three Diabetes.
U is for Under,
V is for Victor, and
W is for When as in:
The Over/Under on Victor Cruz's return to the NFL is currently set at "When Pigs Fly".
X is for X-rated,
Y is for Youngins, and
Z is for Zoo as in:
When zoo animals get x-rated in front of the kids, take that as an opportunity to teach the youngins about the birds and the bees and the howler monkeys.
Bare-istas can draw x-rated art into your coffee foam. You don't even have to ask. In fact, don't ask. We're gonna do it anyway. So, stop pleading. You're getting a topless Miss Piggy whether you want it or not. Now look at it. You look at it, you dirty little joe addict! Yeah, how you like those muppets? Other day, we sold a spread eagle Popeye that's still making people want to vomit.
SmackMack's! Bare-istas! (Formerly Chestspressos.)
Bddrriiingg! There's the bell. That's all the lessons for this week. See if you can make it into college off of that.
It's battle week! Woot woot! Division clash-ups abound. It's brother against brother. Equal versus equal! DAVID FACING GOLIATH!!! ... May have overdone it with that last one.
The game of the week sees South Division leader EXPLOSIVE (6-4) getting stepped to by the division's #2 STLiens (6-4). The records are equal, so this one is for the lead. And the loser could even find himself falling to last place in the division.
If that game sucks, we have this year's Wesley Bowl which also features even records. The North's The Black & The Goaled (5-5) hosts his brother from the South GameTime Decision (5-5). With Steelers wide receivers on bye for both teams, where ever will we see high-flying points?
Among the lopsided games are Hitmen (8-2) vs Savage Life (3-7), Detox (2-8) vs RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (4-6), and Back 2 Black (Charged UP) (3-7) vs The Comeback Kid (6-4). Savage Life and Detox are done; there's no playoffs under the tree this Christmas. But Back 2 Black still has a chance. The same mess of upcoming battles amongst the current 6th to 9th place seeds that has Da,Pope as a lock also makes way for Black to slip into the playoffs. But that's only if he sweeps the rest of the way.
Finally, there's the East Division contest between leader Da,Pope (7-3) and the flailing Allstate Mayhem (5-5). Last week's loss sent Allstate tumbling from 5th to 8th place. Allstate must be careful: his final two matches of the season are against 6th place Black & Goaled and 9th place RACKS, making him the most vulnerable team in the playoff hunt.
Next week is a special Thanksgiving edition of the Screwys. Should we call them the Turkeys? Seems like the obvious choice, right?
Alright, that's it for this week. Go'n now, git! 'Fore I start learnin' you your 1-2-3s.
~That Fundamentals Mofo~