That Bearded Mofo

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Thank You Very Little

Published Tue Nov 24, 2015 7:20pm PST

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You're in for a Thanksgiving meal-sized article today. It's so packed with tidbits, analysis, and celebrity guests, you won't even have room for dessert.

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But you'll make room, dammit.

As I'm sure you know by now, it's Thanksgiving week. You could probably tell by the recent influx of people at your gym. Or by the desolate public schools you pass on your way to work. What's up with that, by the way? Why are kids nowadays getting the whole week off for Thanksgiving? It's supposed to be a privilege just to get the free Friday. No wonders us kids is dumb.

This week, as we gorge ourselves on turkey and/or ham, and tell our loved ones what we're thankful for, let's not forget to express what we're not thankful for. And to give awards for it. It's time for a special edition Thanksgiving 2015 Screwy Awards!

This is a special event for which we have spared no expense. By which I mean, we've spent nothing. This evening, our turkey Screwys (Screwkeys?) are being handed out by some of the biggest turkeys of the year. Oh, this is so deliciously snarky, I could just gobble gobble it up. Yes, that's a turkey pun. No, I cannot give myself a Screwkey.

Let's hear from our first presenter, Mr. Biceps himself, San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

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Colin Kaepernick: I'm thankful Coach Tomsula put me on the bench to give me time to work on my hair growth. The nominees for worst quarterback are...

The "Tom Brady Makes 'Rex Ryan' His 'Omaha'" Award - Quarterbacks
Blake Bortles, 16 pts
Tom Brady, 17.8 pts
Derek Carr, 9.2 pts
Philip Rivers, 7.7 pts
Alex Smith, 15.9 pts

And the Screwy goes to Philip Rivers.
Rivers has more kids than fantasy points. That should be a joke, but in Week 11 it was a fact. The one week he's needed, Rivers goes AWOL. No TDs. Not even 200 yards. Maybe the Chiefs defense is really, really legit. Or maybe Rivers is just wiped out from all that baby making.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch.

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Marshawn Lynch: I'm just thankful so I won't get fined. The Turkey Screwy running backs are...

The "Justin Forsett's Arm Now Has Two Elbows" Award - Running Backs
LeGarrette Blount, 6.6 pts
Devonta Freeman, 4.3 pts
Frank Gore, 8.5 pts
Chris Ivory, 5 pts
Chris Johnson, 7 pts
Matt Jones, 0.2 pts
Lamar Miller, 6.5 pts
DeMarco Murray, 9.1 pts
Latavius Murray, 8.8 pts
James Starks, 4.9 pts
Charcandrick West, 7.4 pts
Danny Woodhead, 2.1 pts

And the Screwy goes to Matt Jones.
Five carries for 0 yards. His longest run was for 2 yards and he fumbled on the play. Well, it's not like Alfred Morris got hurt and Matt Jones had an opportunity to become a fantasy hero. Wait, actually, that's exactly what happened. But instead, he decides to run for -2, -2, 2 with fumble, 2, and 0 yards. Thank you, Matt Jones. Thank you for nothing.

Here to present our next award, celebrity Affleck collaborator Matt Damon.

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Matt Damon: I'm thankful that, despite my misguided statements about diversity in Hollywood and the hit that my credibility took, we all were able to put that behind us and come together to make an absolutely horrible HBO movie. The nominees for absolutely horrible wide receiver are...

The "James Jones Even Wears His Hoodie To Bed" Award - Wide Receivers
Davante Adams, 6.6 pts
Tavon Austin, 3.1 pts
Amari Cooper, 1.4 pts
T Y Hilton, 4.1 pts
Allen Hurns, 4.9 pts
Dontrelle Inman, 8.1 pts
Jordan Matthews, 5.3 pts
Sammy Watkins, 6.9 pts

And the Screwy goes to Amari Cooper.
I'm still waiting for the rest of Cooper's stats to come in, because all I see right now is 1 catch for 4 yards. What about the other three quarters of the game? That's it? You serious? Cooper had 4 targets, the second most on the team. He's never had less than 4 catches before, much less targets. This Screwy could've gone to so many deserving candidates and was poised to go to Watkins until he turned it around and went from being the fantasy team goat to the fantasy team hero.

Please welcome our next presenter and Screwy nominee, Seattle Seahawks tight end Jimmy Graham.

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Jimmy Graham: I'm thankful it rains a lot in Seattle so no one can see me cry. Please bring me back, New Orleans. I'm begging you! The nominees for worst tight end are...

The "Someone Forgot To Dress J. Lo At The AMAs" Award - Tight Ends
Martellus Bennett, 4.6 pts
Antonio Gates, 1.6 pts
Jimmy Graham, 6.9 pts
Rob Gronkowski, 5.7 pts
Jordan Reed, 8.6 pts
Richard Rodgers, 3.7 pts
Jason Witten, 4.7pts

And the Screwy goes to Antonio Gates.
Dude, I thought you were on performance enhancing drugs. The worst thing about this is that you proved Matthew Berry right. Look at this list, though. It's a who's who of tight ends. Gronkowski, Graham, Bennett, Reed, Witten. The only good thing about this is that they proved Matthew Berry wrong. They proved fantasy owners wrong, too.

Here now to present the terrible kicking award, former Houston Texans quarterback Ryan Mallett.

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Ryan Mallett: I'm thankful I got off the Texans before that ship sank. What's that? They're tied for first place in the division? Oh. Well, I'm thankful that I'm not standing around wasting my time and talent on the sidelines. Say what now? Hoyer got hurt again? So general afterthought T.J. Yates got the start? Huh. I, uh... I need to re-evaluate my life. The nominees for worst kicker are... Ooh, maybe I could get back on as a kicker.

The "Bomb Clock Kid Wants $15 Million For Mistaking His Bomb Clock For A Clock Bomb" Award - Kickers
Steven Hauschka, 1 pt
Blair Walsh, -1 pt
Greg Zuerlein, -1 pt

And the Screwy goes to Blair Walsh and Greg Zuerlein.
This week showcased a wild swing between kickers' points. These two boneheads actually lost fantasy owners points while four other kickers got their owners double digits and then some. It just goes to show you, you have to study really hard and make a calculating decision when it comes to picking kickers. Nah, I'm bullshitting. It's a crap shoot. These guys are still all the same.

Tonight's presenter for bad individual defensive player is also a nominee. Please(?) welcome(?) Dallas Cowboys defensive end Greg Hardy.

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Greg Hardy: I'm thankful I have an owner like Jerry Jones who sees me for who I really am and keeps me on the payroll anyway. The nominees for worst IDP are...

The "Ronda Rousey's Next Match Should Be At Walmart" Award - Individual Defensive Players

On Black Friday, she brings her turkey machete with her.

Michael Bennett (DL), 0.5 pts
Calais Campbell (DL), 2 pts
Greg Hardy (DL), 2.5 pts
Jaye Howard (DL), 2 pts
Malik Jackson (DL), 2 pts
Chandler Jones (DL), 1 pt
Kawann Short (DL), 1 pt
Muhammad Wilkerson (DL), 2 pts
Vincent Rey (LB), 3.5 pts
Daryl Smith (LB), 1.5 pts
Kam Chancellor (DB), 4 pts
Corey Graham (DB), 4.5 pts
Eric Weddle (DB), 2.5 pts

And the Screwy goes to Michael Bennett.
Yecch. Bennett only gets it because, I mean, half a point. But most of these guys (Jones, Smith, Wilkerson, Cambell, Short) were just awful. So awful, they don't deserve to be talked about. So I'm done talking about them. Them who? I don't even know who you're talking about.

Here to present our next turkey, real estate mogul and Republican Presidential hopeful Donald Trump.

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Donald Trump: I'm thankful I'm going to win the Presidency and I'm going to win big. I'm thankful I'm not a loser like Ben Carson, who, let's face it, I'm not even sure is a real doctor. I mean, where's his birth certificate? How could he be a neurosurgeon if he won't even show his origin of birth? [shrugs lips, which I didn't even know was possible] The nominees for worst defense/special teams are...

The "Rams Break AFC North Quarterbacks" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Philadelphia Eagles, 3.3 pts
Philadelphia Beagles, flea-point-flea pts
Philadelphia Sea Gulls, sea-point-sea pts
Philadelphia Smeagols, preciousss pts

And the Screwy goes to the Philadelphia Eagles.
The bulk of the Eagles fantasy points came from their special teams' 118 return yards. That sounds like they did some really good running until you realize the number is padded from all the kickoffs they received after the SEVEN times the Buccaneers scored. Of course, that last score wasn't their fault. That honor goes to Mark Sanchez and his Traveling Band of Interceptions, coming soon to a town near you.

Our next presenter is so huge, when he sits around the municipality, he really sits around the municipality. Please welcome the Gateway to the West, Saint Louis, Missouri.

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Saint Louis, Missouri: Thank you for having me, but watch it with the fat jokes. I'm thankful that I didn't top this year's most dangerous cities list. And I'm thankful I wasn't the number 2 choice, either. Or number 3. I'm thankful I was all the way down at number 4. Didn't even make the podium. Or the first page. That's good. And I'm thankful. ... But you know, I just can't help but wonder why didn't I make it higher? I mean, I've always been in the top 3. Sure, it's a dubious honor just like these here Screwys, but I'm just curious. Why didn't they pick me? I can get violent. You know I can get violent with the best of 'em. I mean, Memphis, Tennessee? What are they doing? Honky tonking people to death? This is preposterous! Everyone knows I'm the baddest around and if these bastards want me to show 'em, I'll show 'em right up their--*ahem* The nominees for fantasy bastard are...

The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Andy Dalton, 30.1 pts for deboning Detox
Carolina Panthers, 21.6 pts for delousing Detox
Lavonte David, 17 pts for deconstructing Detox
Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 19.7 pts for comeupping The Comeback Kid
Delanie Walker, 18.9 pts for kidding The Comeback Kid
Danny Amendola, 20.7 pts for curtailing The Comeback Kid
Aaron Rodgers, 25.2 pts for hypnotizing Hitmen
DeSean Jackson, 19.7 pts for hip checking Hitmen
Mason Crosby, 18 pts for Herculesing Hitmen
LeSean McCoy, 21.3 pts for hindering Hitmen
Jameis Winston, 42.3 pts for goaling The Black & The Goaled
Carson Palmer, 35.8 pts for strangling STLiens
Kansas City Chiefs, 19.2 pts for stilettoing STLiens
Brock Osweiler, 24.9 pts for dumping Da,Pope

And the Screwy goes to Jameis Winston.
When you follow up your worst game of the season with your best game of the season by miles, you're likely gonna be somebody's foiling bastard. Winston had more touchdowns in Week 11 than he had in his previous five games combined. The rookie looks good now and has some soft, fluffy matchups the next few weeks in Indy, Atlanta, and New Orleans. You know who else looks good? Carson Palmer has 13 TDs over his last four games. Going into the fantasy playoffs, who wants to face a team with a QB tossing 3 scores a game? And one last thing. Look at that nominees list. There are three defenses and an IDP. Defense may not matter in the NFL anymore, but it seems more relevant than ever in fantasy.

Our final presenter for the evening, pseudo-African-American Rachel Dolezal.

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Rachel Dolezal: I'm thankful I got away with it for as long as I did. Hey, if you're ever running out of Black people and you need a backup, holla atcha girl. The nominees for best non-starter are...

The "Bill Belichick: Majestic Bird" Award - Biggest Bench Performer

Man, he really wants to get out of there.

Giovani Bernard, 18.6 pts
Alfred Blue, 16.7 pts
Atlanta Falcons, 14.5 pts
Ryan Fitzpatrick, 20 pts
Devin Funchess, 16.4 pts
James Jones, 24.9 pts
Doug Martin, 23.5 pts
Kyle Rudolph, 22.6 pts
Matt Ryan, 26.7 pts
Ryan Tannehill, 20.7 pts
James White, 17.6 pts
Russell Wilson, 34 pts

And the Screwy goes to Russell Wilson.
After a season full of mediocrity and 1-TD games, Wilson finally comes through with a big one. So, of course, he's riding pine. James Jones wouldn't have made the difference in whether his fantasy team won instead of lost, but it's gotta hurt to have a quarter on the bench with so many other guys giving you a nickel. And Doug Martin, oh my God! He got 23.5 without ever crossing the goal line. Damn, the Eagles D sucks. Then you've got Kyle Rudolph who hasn't seen double digits since Week 2 and he suddenly wants to act like he's Tony Gonzalez. Ain't this a bench!

Well, it's time to undo your bib and your pants. That's all from the Thanksgiving 2015 Screwy Awards!

Only two games left in the Gateway league's race to the post season. With a last second win over STLiens--and I do mean last second--EXPLOSIVE secured himself a spot. Despite crapping the bed all Monday night long, Bills receiver Sammy Watkins nabbed all three of his lowly receptions in the fourth quarter, including the grab on the last play which ended the game and Buffalo's hopes of being a competent contender. That final reception secured EXPLOSIVE a .9-point win. Yes, point-9, as in less than 1, as in f**k fantasy football. The win puts EXPLOSIVE at 7 victories. And with 6-win Allstate Mayhem facing off against both 5-win teams The Black & The Goaled and RAC ON RAC ON RACKS in the final two weeks, one of those three contenders won't reach 7. Can't happen. It's mathematically impossible. So, let that be a mantra for everyone: get 7 wins and you're in.

That doesn't mean 6 won't do the fix, though. With a surprising win over Hitmen, Savage Life proved he ain't dead yet. Either he or fellow 4-win team Back 2 Black (Charged UP) could make the playoffs as long as they win out and Goaled and RACKS lose out. And, with the close point gap, they could both potentially make it if STLiens were to lose out too.

As far as the standings, there was no movement at the top nor the bottom, but every team from #4 to #8 shifted to a new spot in the middle. After winning 4 of his last 5, GameTime Decision--That's me! Eeeeeee!--finds himself at the bottom of the top seeds. Allstate Mayhem also jumped up 3 spots to 5th place. He holds a very, very slim 1-point lead on The Comeback Kid who has dropped 2 places after his third straight loss. STLiens also fell 2 places and dropped to the bottom of his division after putting up his lowest total since Week 4. And The Black & The Goaled slipped from 6th to 8th with his 3rd overall points lead keeping him strongly in the mix.

The good news is the byes are over. From here on, we have full access to every player out there. Which isn't many, considering all the injuries. Don't forget, there are three Thursday games this week. That means Sunday afternoon is going to be extra boring.

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Uhhh, do I have to?

Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Next week, we rap it up. You know how we do.

~That Screwkey Mofo~

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