That Bearded Mofo

First ArticlePrev Article
Next Article Latest Article

The Fantasy Oscars

Published Tue Oct 18, 2016 11:00pm PST

image shaved off
image shaved off

Well this week sucked. That's all I have to say about that.

Actually, I have a little more to say about it. It sucked big. There. I said it. This week was brutal. It was bloodier than Cleveland pitcher Trevor Bauer's finger.

image shaved off
image shaved off

Don't look--ahhh, too late.

Did you know he wanted to burn his leaking finger shut with a soldering iron? Bad idea. Almost as bad an idea as it was starting all the players we're honoring tonight. That's right. As we move ever closer to awards season, it's time to acknowledge the ugly and praise the pitiful. It's time for the 26th Annual Red Robin White Castle Blue Apron Screwy Awards! Let's pop open the first envelope, which is for biggest booby QB.

The "99 Bottles Of Beer On The Kaepernick" Award - Quarterbacks
Ben Roethlisberger, 13.4 pts
Russell Wilson, 14.2 pts
Blake Bortles, 16.6 pts
Carson Palmer, 16.6 pts

And the Screwy goes to the Pittsburgh Steelers... er, I mean Ben Roethlisberger.
Ben is out for a bit with a meniscus tear. Or cleanup. Or who knows what. That means tragedy for every fantasy owner of a Steelers offensive player. Remember how Antonio Brown fared last year when Ben missed time? It was like the backup QBs had never thrown a football before. That means trouble for the run game too. Man! Just when Le'Veon was kicking into gear, too. A moment of silence for the Steelers real and fantasy seasons please.

The "Bush Run Off The Today Show But Trump Can Still Run For Prez??? C'mon Man" Award - Running Backs
Melvin Gordon, 9.4 pts
C.J. Anderson, 9.1 pts
Eddie Lacy, 7.6 pts
Devonta Freeman, 6.5 pts
T.J. Yeldon, 3.1 pts
Matt Forte, 2.7 pts

And the Screwy goes to Matt Forte.
Hang it up. The whole team of Jets, just hang it up. The Jets just had their second game of the season scoring only 3 points and their fourth game in a row not reaching 20. Forte started the season strong, averaging 98 yards rushing over the first two game. He's averaging 41 over the last four. Yuck. On a team full of fantasy sorry sacks, Forte is the worst. "Worse than Fitzpatrick?" you balk. "Who is Fitzpatrick?" I reply. "The Jets quarterback," you answer. "The Jets have a quarterback?!?!" I retort.

The "Next Week, Odell Beckham Jr. Sues The Kicking Net For Custody" Award - Wide Receivers
Jordy Nelson, 9.8 pts
Eddie Royal, 9.4 pts
Marvin Jones, 9.3 pts
Willie Snead, 8.7 pts
Antonio Brown, 8.5 pts
Emmanuel Sanders, 8 pts
Allen Robinson, 7.9 pts
T Y Hilton, 7.9 pts
Jeremy Maclin, 7.9 pts
Julian Edelman, 7.8 pts
Doug Baldwin, 7.1 pts
Demaryius Thomas, 6.5 pts
Travis Benjamin, 4.7 pts
Michael Crabtree, 3 pts
Sammie Coates, 0 pts

And the Screwy goes to Sammie Coates.
You probably think it's not fair to single out Coates when he didn't even play because of his hand injury. You'd be right, except that he did play. You're probably thinking he was just in there as a decoy. Nope. He was targeted 4 times. He caught none of them. What kind of decoy gets four balls thrown his way? He wasn't a decoy, but he sure was a tease: a fantasy owner tease! And how many more times are we going to see over a dozen top-name wide receivers in the Screwy nominations list? Demaryius, Edelman, Allen Robinson, Antonio Brown, Jordy, Maclin, Baldwin, Hilton, Marvin Jones, Crabtree, Snead, Sanders, Benjamin! That list is ridiculous.

The "Tom Brady And Trump Are Tight Like Nuts And Bolts" Award - Tight Ends
Zach Miller, 9.6 pts
Gary Barnidge, 8.9 pts
Travis Kelce, 6.2 pts
Antonio Gates, 3.6 pts
Zach Ertz, 3.2 pts
Delanie Walker, 3.1 pts
Dwayne Allen, 1.9 pts

And the Screwy goes to Delanie Walker.
What the eff, man? This is not the guy who was the #2 fantasy tight end of 2015. This is not the guy who had only 2 single-digit games all of last season. This guy already has 3 games this season in which he scored less than he did in either of those 2. Delanie Walker? More like Johnnie Walker. Because his performance will drive you to drink.

The "Wendy's Fries Will Get You High" Award - Kickers
Steven Hauschka, 6 pts
Matt Bryant, 6 pts
Cairo Santos, 4 pts
Graham Gano, 4 pts
Chandler Catanzaro, 4 pts

And the Screwy goes to Cairo Santos.
This mofo missed an extra point AND a field goal and had -3 fantasy points at halftime. Had he made all his kicks, Santos would have ended up with 12 fantasy points instead of 4. Words have not yet been created to express the anger brought to his fantasy owners.

The "Who Says You've Only Got Two Choices?" Award - Individual Defensive Players

image shaved off

Surely, he's got your vote.

Jerry Hughes (DL), 3.5 pts
Jason Pierre-Paul (DL), 3.5 pts
Cameron Jordan (DL), 3.5 pts
Derek Wolfe (DL), 2.5 pts
Brandon Graham (DL), 2 pts
Dante Fowler (DL), 1 pt
Carlos Dunlap (DL), 0 pts
Fletcher Cox (DL), 0 pts
Calais Campbell (DL), 1 pt
Kiko Alonso (LB), 4 pts
Logan Ryan (DB), 4.5 pts
Robert Alford (DB), 3.5 pts
Reggie Nelson (DB), 3.5 pts
Tony Jefferson (DB), 2 pts

And the Screwy goes to Fletcher Cox.
Cox sucks. Oh my God Cox suuuuuucks. Sucky Cox.

The "Cam Newton Gets Defensive In Post Game Pressers" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Texans, 7.8 pts
Packers, 7.7 pts
Lions, 5.9 pts
Rams, 5.8 pts
Panthers, 4.9 pts

And the Screwy obviously goes to the Carolina Panthers.
What the heck happened to the Panthers? They're 1-5 after losing the Super Bowl. Wait a minute... Washington has won 4 straight. Don't tell me... Oh my goodness, it's true. Josh Norman left and took all the mojo with him. What have you done, Panthers? What? Have?? You??? Donnnnnne????

The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Cam Newton, 34.2 pts for dumping Da,Pope
Julio Jones, 26.9 pts for dub stepping Da,Pope
Cole Beasley, 23.8 pts for da,popping Da,Pope
Marcus Mariota, 36.6 pts for black and blue-ing The Black & The Goaled
Amari Cooper, 22.9 pts for blocking The Black & The Goaled
Lamar Miller, 31.3 pts for ODing OC Savage Blacks
Rob Gronkowski, 29.2 pts for boxing Detox
Tom Brady, 37 pts for gutting GameTime Decision
David Johnson, 33.3 pts for incisioning GameTime Decision
Odell Beckham Jr., 40.2 pts for paving BLACK WALL STREET
Brandin Cooks, 30.5 pts for stonewalling BLACK WALL STREET
Coby Fleener, 25.6 pts for street fighting BLACK WALL STREET

And the Screwy goes to David Johnson.
An upset? Not really. Yes, Beckham had a big game with 222 yards. That's huge. But David Johnson had 3 excessively brutal touchdowns. I mean just downright unnecessary. Okay, we get it. You won the game. Stop rubbing it in!

The "Dumbo Saves Dumbo" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Jack Doyle, 15.3 pts
Tyrod Taylor, 26.7 pts
Golden Tate, 30.8 pts
Matthew Stafford, 38.9 pts
Jay Ajayi, 33.2 pts
Terrelle Pryor, 28.8 pts
Terrance West, 26.3 pts

Honorable Mentions: Matt Ryan, 31.9 pts; Eli Manning, 34.1 pts

And the Screwy goes to Golden Tate.
Yeah, that one's gotta hurt the most. Tate was hyped all off season then came into 2016 stinking up the joint. Now he chooses Week 6 to act like he's been here the whole time? Boooo! Same goes for Ajayi. Double boooo!

It's time to roll up the red carpet and zip the nip slips. That's all from the 26th Annual Orange Julius Black Angus Green Burrito Screwy Awards!

In Gateway, a few teams really got beat up on in Week 6. Every loser is looking for a comeback this week as we roll into the midseason. And since it's midseason, that means we've got our midseason State of The League report next week.

Week 7 is mostly interconference matchups as North takes on West in The Black & The Goaled (4-2) vs Detox (2-4) and Hitmen (3-3) vs OC Savage Blacks (4-2) and South battles East in Can't get right (2-4) vs Allstate Mayhem (4-2) and STLiens (4-2) vs BLACK WALL STREET (2-4). That leaves two conference matchups in Black Francis Soyer (5-1) vs GameTime Decision (2-4) in the Vertical Conference and Da,Pope (2-4) vs The Comeback Kid (2-4) in the Horizontal Conference. May the best me win.

See you next week when I tell you about yourselves.

~ That Unacceptance Speech Mofo ~

Comments (aka, the worst part of the Internet):
Make sure you're logged in. If you're not, I'd suggest copying all that text you just wrote before it goes bye-bye.