That Bearded Mofo

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Dissed Connections

Published Tue Oct 11, 2016 3:30pm PST

Seen any good videos lately?

I tried watching that Trump bus video everyone is talking about, but it was so dirty it gave my computer a virus. Billy Bush got suspended for the frat boy lackey role he played in the 11-year-old video. Makes his role as Ryan Lochte apologist more understandable now. Still not acceptable, but understandable.

In non-slimy news, Trump's buddy Tom Brady returned from suspension in full form, tossing 3 TDs, all to TE Martellus Bennett. Don't worry; Gronk owners still had plenty to be happy about with 5 catches for 109 yards. Brady was only outdone this week by Roethlisberger who Trump simultaneously praised and called a tree murderer. I cannot make this stuff up.

Odell Beckham Jr. got his first touchdown of the season and promptly made up with the kicking net he got into a furious battle with a couple weeks ago. They're planning a buddy fishing trip upstate.

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Ironically, ODB catches more fish.

After a phenomenal 300-yard game last week, Julio Jones disappeared with less than a tenth that much yardage this week. On another bird team, RB David Johnson ran 157 yards on the powerless 49ers and notched his 5th straight game of over 100 combined yards. Speaking of the Niners, the coaches got together to discuss whether it's time to switch to Kaepernick. All signs point to "of course it is, knuckleheads!" I guess they listened to the magic late ball.

The Browns did damage to another QB and are on their 11th starter of the season. No, that's not the real number, but for a moment, it didn't strike you as weird, did it? The Vikings are the only undefeated team in the league. That's right. Just as all the analysts said in August, "Look for the Bridgewater-less, Bradford-overpaying Vikings to lead the NFL after Peterson destroys a knee." It was easy to see coming.

Of course the Vikings being 5-0 doesn't make sense. We're living in an age where nothing makes sense, like this election cycle or the popularity of Big Bang Theory. When things don't make sense, we try to make sense of those things that don't make sense with our sense-making association game. Need a reminder of what that is? Okay. Here's a for instance: At Sunday's town hall Presidential debate in St. Louis, an energy question was posed by a portly, mustachioed, red sweater wearing, bespectacled citizen named Kenneth Bone. He immediately blew up the internet.

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Does it make sense that such a simple-seeming innocent-looking civilian could be the biggest hit on the internet since Kim Kardashian's oily booty magazine cover shoot?

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Kenneth Bone > Thuggish ruggish Bone > "Hey man I miss my uncle Charles, y'all" > Sadness > Internet sensation

With only 4 connections, it's time to break out that baby oil, Ken Bone! You've got an adoring internet to break. And remember, the fewer the connections, the stronger the case for all this seeming nonsense. Let's get into this week's craziness.

Association 1
Fine favorite Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown was told by the league Sunday that either his Muhammad Ali shoes would be removed from the game or he would. The league let him wear cleats to honor Arnold Palmer earlier this season, but for some reason, The Greatest was out of the question. I mean, a dead boxer on football shoes? How crazy is that?

Muhammad Ali > "...sting like a bee" > Aunt Bee > Opie > Dopey > Seven Dwarfs > Snow White > John Snow > Dead? > 2Pac > "All Eyez on Me" > Self-centered > Selfish > Shell fish > Not kosher > Pork rind > Porcupine > Spikes > Cleats

I think 18 connections says the NFL overreacted. Let Brown be free to express himself. We want more shoes! We want more twerks!! Four more twerks! Four more twerks!! Four more twerks!!!

Association 2
A Black journalist was barred from returning to a high school football game after the school's athletic director accused him of protesting the national anthem when he went to get an umbrella in the rain. This sounds ridiculous because it is. Can the national anthem be probable cause for being ejected from a game?

National anthem > "Star Spangled Banner" > Racist lyrics > Explicit language > Donald Trump > Pathological liar > Pinocchio > Marionette > Marie Antoinette > "Let them eat cake" > Ice cream cake > Lactose intolerant > Pooted > Booted

I guess with only 13 connections, anything is possible in the land of the oversensitive.

Association 3
Have you ever been to Ruth's Chris Steak House? They ain't cheap. One of the Ann Arbor restaurants offered one percent off this week for every point Michigan beat Rutgers by. The game ended up 78-0. Oof. Does a football blowout add up to quality eats?

Blowout > Cookout > Stakeout > Steaks

That's an easy 3 connections. Too easy. Let's make it at least seem like we had to try a little.

78-point lead > Clinton over Trump > Republican nightmare > #blacklivesmatter > Black and white > Skunk > Crunk > Turn up > Turnip > Turnip truck > Fell off a truck *wink wink* > Discount steaks

Ah, yes. In 11 connections, we've made a T-boneheaded promo seem genius. Fortunately for Ruth's Chris, they had the presence of mind to cap the discount at 50% before the game took place. That's unfortunate for patrons. A $5 steak would've been nice.

Association 4
During that town hall at Washington University, a fly kept buzzing around Clinton and even landed on her unflinching face. I'm sorry, what? Now we are just making stuff up, right?

Fly > Fly girls > In Living Color > Coloring book > Adult coloring book > "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard" > The Cosby Show > Keisha Knight Pulliam > Maury Povich situation > Not the father > "Father Abraham had many sons. Many sons had father Abraham. I am one of them and so are you. So let's all praise the Lord. Right arm, left arm, right foot..." > Twister > Party games > Video games > Tecmo Bowl > Bo Jackson Kia commercial > Cheating > The Patriots > New England > Boston > Red Sox > White Sox > Chicago Cubs > Chicago Bears > Care Bears > Pooh Bear > Hunny pot > Honeycomb > Sean Combs > Puffy > Clinton's face

It took a lengthy 30 connections, but we got there, so I guess it's somewhat legit. Much more legit than those nostalgia-baiting Bo Jackson Tecmo Bowl commercials.

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That's a safety. Which is ironic because
there's nothing safe about what's happening.

That's plenty of associations for this week, but we'll wind it up with just one more.

Association 5
Who will fall in this week's matchup between Allstate Mayhem and yours truly GameTime Decision?

Loss > In the red > Red state > Allstate

Only 3 connections say I'm gonna move on Allstate like a bitch. I'm gonna stalk Mayhem like Donald stalked Hillary during the second debate. Seriously though, what's with Trump? Other than a cocaine habit as originally diagnosed then retracted by Princess Leia. The man has more issues than Time magazine and people think he's fit to replace Obama???


In Gateway, there are no more zeros in the win-loss columns. Can't get right finally did and did so with the highest score of the week. And The Comeback Kid got his first win by delivering OC Savage Blacks his first loss. No one is more than one game ahead or behind the entirety of the league, which means everyone is still in it.

The same can kinda be said for the pick 'ems. Maybe. The Black & The Goaled made a major surge this week going an impressive 13-1 in game picks. Now he's tied for 3rd with Da,Pope and only 4 games back from leader Detox.

Before I go, one more question: do we really need a third debate? I mean, c'mon. When you look at the options, there's no debate.

~That Locker Room Talking Mofo~

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