America's Least Wanted
Published Tue Nov 1, 2016 10:05pm PST
Did anybody go up against a QB who broke his team's franchise record and put up almost 50 fantasy points this weekend? No? Just me? Okay. Jesus, Derek Carr...
Also, has anybody else noticed that, no matter how much Tom Brady goes off--and he is going THE EFF off--at least one quarterback outscores him in fantasy every week?
Enough appetizer. Let's get to the main course. The news is full of all sorts of misbehavers and persons of interest. So many, it'll keep your head on a perpetual swivel. Don't worry. You've got me to tell you who to focus on. It's time once again to seek out That Bearded Mofo's Most Wanted.
Perpetrator: Ties (Not those kind, the other.)
For the crime of: Vandalism
Last seen: Jamming an ugly third column into the pleasant-looking two-column records of four NFL teams
If you should find ties in the NFL, blame their existence on the London games. The NFL so desperately wants to import the sport to Europe and now their soccer-ish ways are rubbing off.
Perpetrator: Voter fraud
For the crime of: Indecent exposure
Last seen: Actually existing outside of a right-wing conspiracy nut's talking points
If you should find voter fraud, you gotta be kidding me. People...you're actually doing this? Stop giving crazy people proof to back their craziness.
Perpetrator: Cam Newton
For the crime of: You see this shit
Last seen: Looking like Batman's arch nemesis The Pimper
If you should find Cam Newton, get him tested for color-blindness. Cam wants to talk to Goodell about the lack of officiating on the hits he takes. He needs to talk to the person that lets him walk out of the house like that. He needs to talk to the refs about the lack of officiating on his hats. He needs to talk to... You get it. I'm saying his wardrobe is too much.
Perpetrators: The Philadelphia 76ers
For the crime of: Censorship
Last seen: Barring Sevyn Streeter from singing the national anthem because of her "We Matter" jersey
If you should find the 76ers, ask them "Is this not America? Is this not the land of freedom, the spirit your team name supposedly embodies?" Also, not wanting to make a statement is making a statement. This just looked bad guys. And your players agreed.
Perpetrators: 2016 kickers
For the crime of: Gross negligence
Last seen: Missing easy kicks, subsequently allowing games to roll into overtime
If you should find an NFL kicker, do your Ace Ventura "Laces out!" impression at him. I'm sure he'll get a kick out of that. I'm sure he's never heard that before. I'm sure he'll love being compared to Ray Finkle.
Perpetrator: FBI Director James Comey
For the crime of: Dirty politics
Last seen: Sabotaging Hillary Clinton's campaign right before the election
If you should find James Comey, fire James Comey. Out of a cannon. We're about to elect a temperamental entitled delusional 70-year-old man-baby as President because this guy decided to play partisan politics 11 days before the election. Comey suggests wrongdoing on Clinton's part without explicitly stating any wrongdoing, but by simply claiming there's a connection to Anthony Weiner's sickening case, which it doesn't look like there really even is. That sentence is as twisted up as Trump's fan base, a group that doesn't need much to get riled up about Hillary's alleged crookedness. Comey is the same guy who chose not to pursue charges against Clinton over the emails once before. He also chose not to reveal some negative things the FBI discovered about Trump earlier this election season as not to interfere with the political process. But dookie news about Hillary just as she's running away with the election? Why that's fair game, apparently. Lose your job!
Perpetrator: The Patriots front office
For the crime of: Organ theft
Last seen: Ripping the heart out of linebacker Jamie Collins by trading him to the Cleveland Browns
If you should find the Patriots, just shake your head at them. One moment, Collins is on a 7-1 Super Bowl bound team; the next, he's on a 0-8 manure pile. Damn, that's cold, Patriots. Damn that's cold.
For the crime of: Mistreating yourself
Last seen: Never having eaten a Big Mac
If you should find a Millenial, smack 'em upside the head. Just because. Oh, you say you need a reason to just go and assault a stranger? Okay, I guess if that's how you were raised. How about the fact that only 1 in 5 Millenials have ever even tasted a Big Mac? Only 1 in 5! How has a grown man never eaten a Big Mac. It's a Big Mac! It's like saying you've never petted a dog or listened to the radio before. Who raised these people???
Perpetrator: The Oakland Raiders
For the crime of: Everything
Last seen: Drawing more flags than the Olympics opening ceremonies
If you should find the Raiders, you are automatically rewarded 15 yards. The Raiders set history this past Sunday against the Buccaneers with a league record 23 penalties for 200 yards. They had more penalties than opposing QB Jameis Winston had completions (16).
Perpetrators: Former Texans
For the crime of: Abandonment
Last seen: Retiring from the NFL on a Monday
If you should find former Texans Arian Foster or Andre Johnson, thank them for their fantasy service. Foster was a monster when he was healthy. Andre Johnson was a straight up beast. Those were good times. I guess we all gotta hang it up at some time.
Perpetrator: Earl Thomas
For the crime of: Affectual assault
Last seen: Hugging referees
If you should find Earl Thomas, hug him. Or else he'll hug you. Maybe we're missing the big picture here. Maybe he's just really really infatuated with zebras. Keep him away from the city zoo.
For the crime of: Doing too much
Last seen: Having a special blend that can only be found on the dark web
If you should find darknet coffee, what are you? Office Manager for HYDRA? Are you Cobra Commander's secretary? Why do you have to go through seedy backwater channels for coffee? It's coffee. It's everywhere.
Perpetrators: Michigan Wolverines
For the crime of: Anarchy
Last seen: Lining up as a human centipede
If you should find the Wolverines, find out whether they're a football team or a marching band.
Perpetrator: Public Relations handler Tony Wyllie
For the crime of: Denial of services
Last seen: Shouting "NO" like a parent finding their toddler on the top shelf or a pageant contestant in a room with Donald Trump
If you should find Tony Wyllie, don't try to talk to him. You better clear it with him first. Or else you'll get the meanest stiff arm since Leonard Fournette.
That's 15 of the Most Wanted culture clashers this week. If you didn't make the list, consider yourself lucky.
In Gateway, the rankings took a big jumble this weekend. Only the West Division held their rankings. The East and South divisions swapped 2nd and 3rd place teams. Meanwhile, the North Division saw a shakeup at the top which means so did the league overall. As it stands now, The Black & The Goaled leads the league with division rival Black Francis Soyer riding 2nd.
Want to read something funny? All four teams with 3 wins or fewer have scored more points than all of the 4-win teams and one 5-winner. In fact, last place BLACK WALL STREET is 2nd overall in points. Ain't that a bitch? Just goes to show you how unfair fantasy football can be.
Week 9 looks to be a pretty even one. There's only 1-game (or no) difference in record between the teams in every matchup. Can't get right (4-4) faces conference opponent Hitmen (4-4). GameTime Decision (3-5) takes on Da,Pope (3-5). West Division leader OC Savage Blacks (5-3) squares off with East Division leader Allstate Mayhem (4-4). West Division trailer BLACK WALL STREET (2-6) goes against East Division trailer Detox (3-5). North Division leaderThe Black & The Goaled (6-2) conference fights with South Division leader STLiens (5-3). And Black Francis Soyer (5-3) reaches across conference to battle The Comeback Kid (4-4).
With one-game differences, might not be a lot of separation happening this weekend. That's good for some of us who can't really afford any more losses.
And by "some of us" I mean everyone. Who can ever really afford losses?
~ That Go Vote Mofo ~