That Bearded Mofo

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A Disconnect

Published Wed Nov 9, 2016 10:40pm PST

I have no words.

No. Words.

And because I have no words, this is going to be a quick one.

I'd love to be able to point out the bright side or say something that makes you feel like everything is going to be all right. But I can't.

The simple fact of the matter is, watching Tuesday's election night coverage felt like a bad day of fantasy football dialed up to 100. Maybe it won't be as bad as we expect. Maybe the country will survive. But a truth has been uncovered about what this country is made of. A truth that has been known by many of us, ignored by most of us, and openly welcomed by a fringe of us. And that truth is that that small fringe is actually a full half.

Enjoy the Obamas while you can. Your new First Lady sounds like Zsa Zsa Gabor. Let's get to some associations.

You know how the game goes. Snake on a plane this week? Is life really imitating trashy art?

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Snake > Grass > Weed > High

With only 3 connections, looks like we better dial up Samuel L. Jackson. And remember, the fewer the connections, the more sense it makes. Let's keep it going.

Association 1
Does it make sense that the #MannequinChallenge is popular all of a sudden?

Mannequin > Harlequin > Harley Quinn > Joker > Toker > Dime bag > 10 bucks > Hamilton > Hit sensation

Back to back weed references say I'm pretty lazy and 8 connections say this mannequin life has got something to it. Also this:

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Association 2
There was a squirrel running around the end zone at Lambeau Field during the Packers-Colts game. Is that stupid?

Squirrel > Flying squirrel > Rocky > Stallone > Rambo > Lambeau

A mere 5 connections says slap a helmet on that rodent and tell him to go yard. The Packers could use a helping paw.

Association 3
Could Uber Injury Cart be Marshawn Lynch's next gig?

Marshawn Lynch > "Run through a motherf**ker face." > Poker face > Lady Gaga > Goo goo ga ga > Baby > Next President > Next Friday > Sequel > Prequel > Rogue One: A Star Wars Story > A Christmas Story > "You'll shoot your eye out." > One-eyed Jack > Suicide King > King of Queens > Leah Remini > Former Scientologist > Paul Haggis > Haggis > European food > Spotted dick > Dick Gregory > Old Black comedian > Bill Cosby > Spiked drink > Spiked shell > Mario Kart > Injury cart

A bloated 28 connections say it's unlikely he's going into the taxi service, but he does seem to have a thing for celebratory football field driving. Hey, Marshawn, is there a deeper meaning in this?

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...over and over and over and over and over...

Association 4
Travis Kelce getting ejected on one play?

Kelce > Chelsea > Clinton--

*sigh* This frickin' election, man. Let me start over.

Kelce > Elsie > Cow > Milk > Cookies > Santa > Suit > Suited > Booted

Only 8 connections say yes. There's also the video evidence that proves it, so...

We've connected more than enough dots for one day, but we can't leave without making out one last one.

Association 5
In this week's matchup between OC Savage Blacks and Yours Truly, who's gonna get frosted?

On ice > Ice Cube > O'Shea > OC

With only 3 connections, it looks like I'm gonna be putting a Golden Tate WWE-style finishing move on the unsuspecting Savage Blacks.

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That move is called the Tate Taint Taster.

Couple Gateway things of note. Despite ranking 4th in points, BLACK WALL STREET remains last in the league. After another ridiculously unfortunate matchup and 7th loss, BLACK WALL STREET changed his name to X and packed it in for the season with a team fire sale. In other name change news, Can't get right is back to being EXPLOSIVE with 5 straight wins after starting the season 0-4.

That's all I got.

~ That Not Moving To Canada Because This Is My Country And You Can't Have It Back Mofo~

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