That Bearded Mofo

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Published Thu Dec 22, 2016 3:20pm PST

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Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Thursday, December 22, 2016

Ho ho oh no, it's over. This war is coming to an end. It already ended for most of us.

I found a body behind the wood shed. It's The Black & The Goaled. Looks like he was knocked out from behind by a Kirk Cousins-shaped object.

Oof! I just tripped over another body. Who is this? Black Francis Soyer. Multiple stab wounds. Too too many to count. What a mess.

Wait... Is he breathing? Oh my. They both are. I'll call the amberlamps.
**dials** Hello, medic? Come quick. There are two teams down. ... What do you mean there's only one ambulance? ... Well, send it! **hangs up**

Looks like only one of these guys will make it. And the other will join the rest of us in having a miserable Christmas.

Seasons beatings!

That Amberlamps Calling Mofo


(But Really Still Four)

In the undercard, it's no surprise it led to this. North Division rivals Black Francis Soyer (11-4) and The Black & The Goaled (10-5) continue their season-long foot race. Soyer fights for more than 3rd place money: he fights for respectability as Black & Goaled has handed him half his losses on the season. For Goaled, it's all about those dollar dollar bills, y'all, since Black Francis took the Vertical Conference money he felt he deserved. It's about to go down for that number 3 cash, ya heard me?!

The Superbowl
Allstate Mayhem (10-5) vs STLiens (9-6)

It's a family affair! This year, we crown a first-time Gateway champion. STLiens finds his way to the big dance for the first time. Meanwhile, Allstate Mayhem becomes the first team ever to go to back-to-back Superbowls.

It was ages before Allstate Mayhem made it to the championship game. Now he won't let anyone else have a turn. His first Superbowl alllll the way back in 2015 ended in defeat despite a noble effort. That was last year when he went up against the #1 points scorer in the league. This year, it's #8 points scorer STLiens who is tasked with spoiling Mayhem. Not only is STLiens new to the prize game, it's his first time in the top four since 2010, his first season in the league.

The last time Unc and Nephew met was Week 3, so it's been a minute. A decent 138.1 from Allstate was enough to call it an ass-kicking as STLiens failed to reach the century mark with a meager 95 points. C.J. Anderson and Julio Jones failed STLiens then with only 4.6 and 2.6, respectively. But also, Todd Gurley showed up for the only time this season, giving 21 points to Allstate.

First the Horizontal Conference prize, now this. Allstate is having a helluva year. Despite having only one pick in the first three rounds of the 2016 draft, Allstate Mayhem finds himself playing in Week 16. Interestingly, Allstate has never lost a game this season when his opponent scores 126.5 or less. But he's also never won a game when they score more than that. Mayhem averaged 130.3 through the regular season, but hasn't topped 129 in the playoffs. That is trending toward disaster. He squeaked by last week, but certainly cannot afford another 9.4-point game from golden boy Tom Brady.

Meanwhile, STLiens is trending up. His 146.5 and 160.7 in playoff games place above nine of his regular season outings. Most of STLiens 6 losses came at the end of the season, but he's been on a roll of late, beating his playoff opponents by an average margin of 60.9 points. There is no telling who will lead the team from week to week as he's had a different top scorer over the last five games. But it doesn't matter who's doing the scoring as long as they keep doing it. Mayhem's floor on the season is 110, but STLiens has failed to reach that five times. Nephew better hope that the trend sticks and history doesn't rear its ugly head.

So who will win it all? The uncle with history and a need to vindicate the name "Team Perfection"? Or the new dad with a chip on his shoulder and a need to vindicate past drafting mishaps? As my little Christmas gift to you, let's dig into some deep analysis with a look at every player involved. To the rosters!

QB (opp vs pass)
Tom Brady
vs NYJ (21st)
Avg: 28.75 Rk: 23 Pos: 21
That F**k Goodell Offense stalled hard last week. Don't expect that to be the case against the Jets, though. Brady has a Super Bowl trophy to get handed by the Commissioner and every opponent in his way is gonna feel the wrath until February.

Matt Ryan
@ CAR (32nd)
Avg: 29.08 Rk: 3 Pos: 3
Flyin' Matt Ryan has got his easiest matchup of the season this week. Last time he played the Panthers, he put up his season high 48.5. That was at home; this week it's on Carolina's turf. Still, the Panthers D has been D-sgusting.

Cam Newton vs ATL (30th)
Avg: 21.51 Rk: 16 Pos: 15
Cam also has one of his easiest matchups of the season this week. He was the best QB of 2015, but this year, he kinda stunk. Best to go with fantasy teamate/Week 16 opponent Matt Ryan.

RB (opp vs run)
David Johnson
@ SEA (8th)
Avg: 23.59 Rk: 9 Pos: 1
Unstoppable. Even against the Seahawks in Seattle. Certainly unbenchable.

Jay Ajayi @ BUF (27th)
Avg: 12.3 Rk: 90 Pos: 18
After gaining 500+ rushing yards over a three-game stretch, Ajayi has slumped hard, failing to get more that 87 combined yards over the last six. This matchup is supposed to be cake, but it's hard to trust him.

Tevin Coleman @ CAR (3rd)
Avg: 12.15 Rk: 126 Pos: 22
He's only good when he scores a touchdown. I'm betting the Panthers don't let that happen.

Todd Gurley vs SF (32nd)
Avg: 10.86 Rk: 104 Pos: 19
49ers are the worst in the league against the run. But we're talking the Rams here. And Gurley only got 5.2 against the 49ers the last time they met. No thanks.

Robert Kelley @ CHI (23rd)
Avg: 9.53 Rk: 180 Pos: 30
His nickname is "Fat Rob". Start him. Start him just because of that.

Latavius Murray
vs IND (20th)
Avg: 15.21 Rk: 65 Pos: 10
There was a time in recent history where you would not dare have a Raider on your fantasy team, much less start one. You can never tell what week Murray will be good to start. This week is no different.

Jordan Howard vs WAS (22nd)
Avg: 14.52 Rk: 59 Pos: 9
His best asset is that the Bears suck and they have no one else. That has served him very well and he should serve STLiens very well against Washington this week.

Doug Martin @ NO (13th)
Avg: 9.81 Rk: NR Pos: 44
Shrug Martin.

WR (opp vs receiving)
Dez Bryant
vs DET (16th)
Avg: 13.87 Rk: 103 Pos: 39
It's been several weeks since Dez has crossed the 20-point mark. I'm sure he's itching to get back up there. The Lions should make this a shootout. I think he'll get there.

Julian Edelman vs NYJ (21st)
Avg: 13.34 Rk: 63 Pos: 23
Edelman is good for at least 12 targets which means he's good for 8 catches. Plus, as already mentioned, the F**k Goodell Offense.

Pierre Garcon @ CHI (6th)
Avg: 12.44 Rk: 73 Pos: 29
In the cold in Chicago, he will be Cousins' safety blanket.

Donte Moncrief @ OAK (26th)
Avg: 11.46 Rk: NR Pos: 77
If he plays, he'll be needed to beat the Raiders. But there are plenty of other reliable flexes for Allstate this week.

Brandin Cooks
vs TB (20th)
Avg: 17.43 Rk: 39 Pos: 7
He's not going to get 186 yards and two touchdowns every week like he did last week. He only got 173 yards and one touchdown ten weeks ago, so... Cooks 3rd worst game of the season came against the Buccaneers two weeks ago. This one is at home, so it might be different. A must start anyway.

Mike Wallace @ PIT (14th)
Avg: 13.54 Rk: 58 Pos: 20
Who knows? Seriously, who knows?

Cole Beasley vs DET (16th)
Avg: 12.47 Rk: 72 Pos: 28
In case of desperation, break glass.

Taylor Gabriel @ CAR (32nd)
Avg: 12.32 Rk: 135 Pos: 51
Julio Jones is back, but that's not a bad thing. Gabriel's best game of the season was when Jones was in there. Plus, STLiens can go for the double-up with Ryan throwing to him.

Marqise Lee vs TEN (29th)
Avg: 10.95 Rk: 121 Pos: 48
He's the only guy Blake Bortles knows how to connect to--although they failed to do so at all last week. Try at your own risk.

TE (opp vs receiving)
Ladarius Green
vs BAL (10th)
Avg: 9.06 Rk: NR Pos: 40
He's not good. He's no Heath Miller. There's a reason he never supplanted Gates in San Diego. He stinks. ... Also, he's in concussion protocol and probably won't play, so... Forget all my haterade. Bench him because he won't play.

Antonio Gates @ CLE (15th)
Avg: 8.99 Rk: 193 Pos: 18
He'll always be my favorite fantasy player. Even if he has stunk the last several weeks. No catches in Week 12? That's a little scary. But it's the Browns this week, so he's a gotta start.

Jared Cook vs MIN (3rd)
Avg: 6.93 Rk: NR Pos: 39
He wasn't even on the fantasy team yesterday. Not worth the look.

Greg Olsen
vs ATL (30th)
Avg: 13.59 Rk: 57 Pos: 1
No Gronk? Limited Reed? Delanie Walker barely walking? That leaves Olsen as the top tight end. The Panthers may have struggled this season, but that hasn't kept Olsen down. The last half of his season has been a little stinky, but he got his 3rd best score of the season against the Falcons last time around.

K (opp vs pts)
Mason Crosby
vs MIN (3rd)
Avg: 7.21 Rk: 221 Pos: 14

Adam Vinatieri
@ OAK (30th)
Avg: 9.14 Rk: 144 Pos: 3
Why not?

IDP (opp offense)
Brandon Graham
(DL) vs NYG (27th)
Avg: 4.32 Rk: NR Pos: 13
I don't know who this is.

Sean Lee (LB) vs DET (22nd)
Avg: 8.39 Rk: 171 Pos: 4

Casey Hayward (DB) @ CLE (30th)
Avg: 5.50 Rk: NR Pos: 18
Against RGIII, he's ready for a breakout.

Aaron Donald
(DL) vs SF (29th)
Avg: 3.93 Rk: NR Pos: 19
I wish the Rams hadn't fired Jeff Fisher so he could continue leading them into futility.

Zach Brown (LB) vs MIA (25th)
Avg: 8.64 Rk: 160 Pos: 2
Call him Boss Brown, 'cause he's a boss!

Mark Barron (LB) vs SF (29th)
Avg: 7.68 Rk: 194 Pos: 9
In case you didn't get it, the Rams are dead to me.

Antoine Bethea (DB) @ LA (32nd)
Avg: 6.89 Rk: 240 Pos: 4
Yes. Against the Rams, all day yes.

DEF (opp offense)
vs CIN (12th)
Avg: 10.28 Rk: 118 Pos: 14
Defense is all they got and the Texans is all Allstate got, so they get the start.

vs ATL (2nd)
Avg: 11.99 Rk: 83 Pos: 4
Not on your life.

Packers vs MIN (31st)
Avg: 8.93 Rk: 153 Pos: 22
STLiens just picked them up, so they're getting the go ahead. They should crush.

Good luck, competitors.

As I have hinted over the last few weeks, this will be the final weekly report on the Gateway Fantasy Football League from That Bearded Mofo. What will the future hold? Who knows? Maybe I'll randomly put out one or two on special occasions. I doubt it. Maybe someone else will take up putting out a weekly lowdown. Don't count on it. Whatever the case, it has been my pleasure to try to entertain you while celebrating our wonderful league over these last eight years. Hey, I just realized... I started these during Obama's first football season as President and I'm ending them in his last football season as President. Coincidence? No. This Trump sh*t killed me this season.

May you have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Cool Kwanzaa, and a Joyous New Year. And as always, for the last time, may you receive the most wonderous gift of all... No more stressful Monday nights until September.

'Til whenever...

~That Bearded Mofo~

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