That Bearded Mofo

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Published Wed Dec 14, 2016 11:50pm PST

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Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Wednesday, December 14, 2016

It's déjà vu all over again.

Twice in the last three weeks, I had the third highest score in the league and lost to the highest score. I guarantee that will not happen to me again this week.

Because I'm out.

Four of us are out. Again. They say it happens in fours.

Actually, no one has ever said that. But if they had, they'd be right when it comes to fantasy postseason axings.

Da,Pope went into hand-to-hand combat with his bowie knife clenched between his teeth. He got gutted by his own Matt Forte. Bowels everywhere.

GameTime Decision ran face first into the thrashing helicopter blade that is Le'Veon Bell. Three TDs on 236 yards? That's QB numbers.

EXPLOSIVE went to check out the funny clicking noise under the jeep's hood. Before he could say "alternator", Russell Wilson imploded in his face. Five INTs sounds like a closed casket affair to me.

Drew Brees didn't have as many interceptions as Wilson, but he didn't have as many points, either. Brees', Mike Evans', and Jamison Crowder's single digits left Detox with a single digit--as in no fingers. He crawled the desert, palming his way through the sand, trying to escape the blistering heat. What is that up ahead? His oasis: Ezekiel Elliott! But, alas. It was but a mirage. As was this story. Detox was gone before his body fell off the camel.

What the hell am I writing about? I'm delirous.

Actually, I'm disgusted. Another draft with mid-round picks for me. This has got to stop...

Also, this will soon stop. Only one more journal entry after this. Only one more fantasy entry period. R.I.P. fantasy articles.

And R.I.P. Alan Thicke. That bastard 2016 struck again. No beloved icon is safe.

But you know who is safe?...


Black Francis Soyer (11-3) vs STLiens (8-6)

It has only been four weeks since these two teams met for a Vertical Conference showdown. Black Francis walked away with an easy victory as none of STLiens players managed to crack 17 points. Cole Beasley was his high scorer with 16.9! Cam Newton was at bat for STLiens that week as Matt Ryan was on bye. It's cruel how unfunny fate can be as Cam's 16.3-point performance was sandwiched between performances of 28.4 and 27.9 the weeks before and after. Cam can go try on ties and turtlenecks because Ryan is back. Matt Ryan averaged 36.1 over his first four games this season; unfortunately, he's down to 23.3 over his last four. Going up against San Fran this week, Ryan could see another 48.5-point performance like he had against the Panthers in Week 4. STLiens has a running game when Jordan Howard and Latavius Murray want to turn it on and Falcons receiver Taylor Gabriel has been a standout scoring a TD in every game except one since Week 8. But STL has scored under 110 in five games this year, including three straight in losses leading up to the end of the season. Meanwhile, Black Francis has never gone below 110 this season, thanks largely to Aaron Rodgers and his 30.8-point average. Francis has dominated the league this season losing only to the Wesley brothers. No Wesleys this week, but it still won't be an easy one: Black Francis has so many injury tags it looks like an ICU threw up on his roster. T Y Hilton's back problem hasn't stopped him from getting 9 catches and over 100 yards each of the last two games. Hilton has also had two--count 'em!--two monstrous 170-yard games this season. DeMarco Murray rounds out a solid corps of starters for BFS; he just needs more certainty in the supporting positions.


Win Pct: Black Francis Soyer (.786)

Win Streak: Black Francis Soyer (6)

Points Avg: Black Francis Soyer (135.7)

Biggest Win: STLiens (167.4, Wk 4)

Lowest Loss: Black Francis Soyer (STLien's 87.5, Wk 8)

Heavy Hitter: Black Francis Soyer (Aaron Rodgers)

Albatross: STLiens (Black Francis Soyer's Lamar Miller)

Advantage 5-2, Black Francis Soyer

The Black & The Goaled (10-4) vs Allstate Mayhem (9-5)

These teams last faced each other all the way back in Week 2. But just two games prior to that, they squared off in last year's Superbowl. B&G won that one with a 28.3-point margin of victory. The score was a lot closer in the first rematch 13 weeks ago, but Black & Goaled still came out on top. Philip Rivers and Will Fuller led Mayhem back then, but a few draft picks traded later, the team has upgraded to Tom Brady and Dez Bryant. Allstate also added Dolphins running back Jay Ajayi who started the season colder than winter in Alaska, totaling 29.1 over his first four games. Then Ajayi caught fire with back-to-back 200 yard rushing games before cooling down considerably over the end of the season. No worries: Mayhem has a plethora of backs to rely on, most notably David Johnson who has had over 100 combined yards in every game this season and dating back to Week 13 of last year. Allstate has averaged 137.3 in the five weeks since the trade deadline, an improvement over the 126.3 he averaged in the nine games leading up to it. It would be hard for The Black & The Goaled to improve upon last week's 173.2-point outing, his highest of the season. Keeper Le'Veon Bell answered the bell with 3 touchdowns and the highest fantasy score of any single player this season with 49.8 points. Despite last year's touchdownless rookie season, Melvin Gordon had been impactful for Goaled this year. I say "had" because he's injured now. So B&G will have to trust either Carlos Hyde or a questionable receiver in his place. Black & Goaled hasn't lost twice in three weeks all season long, so the fact that he lost two weeks ago bodes very well for him. (Just don't think about what that means for the Superbowl Round.)


Win Pct: The Black & The Goaled (.714)

Win Streak: Allstate Mayhem (4)

Points Avg: The Black & The Goaled (136.1)

Biggest Win: The Black & The Goaled (173.2, Wk 14)

Lowest Loss: The Black & The Goaled (Allstate Mayhem's 110.2, Wk 1)

Heavy Hitter: Allstate Mayhem (David Johnson)

Albatross: The Black & The Goaled (Allstate Mayhem's Ladarius Green)

Advantage 5-2, The Black & The Goaled

Good luck to the four of you still kicking and ticking. And for those of us who aren't, we've still got the pick 'ems.

Next Week: It's all over.

~That Biggest Loser Mofo~

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