And Now Punk Prizes From The Joker Beast...
Finally. See, Madden Curse gets it. You people are supposed to lose to me. Because you're all losers. Right, Gladiators? The Horizontal Conference beat up on the Vertical Conference this weekend. Which doesn't do me any good. You all suck. Much like our subjects for today's column.
Tie your bows and bow your ties. It's time to congratulate the best at being the worst with the 103rd Annual Screwy Awards! Today we celebrate the fantasy players that bombed like January Jones on SNL.
You know, January Jones. From "Mad Men"?
You know, "Mad Men". That show about ad men from the '50s?
No? I don't watch it, either, and I've never seen January Jones before in my life, but anyway, she was on SNL Saturday and she was horrible.
You know, SNL. Saturday Night Live? ... Ok, nevermind.
Today we celebrate the fantasy players that crapped in your punch bowl. Better? We thought about adding a category for Biggest Fall From Grace, but we couldn't decide between nominees Bill Belichick or Gladiators. On to the first category, DumbeST D/ST. And the nominees are...
DumbeST D/ST
Broncos, 5 pts
Jets, 6 pts
Seahawks, 1 pt
And the Screwy goes to the... Denver Broncos?!
An early upset for tonight's awards. This is the 1st nomination and win for the Broncos defense this season. Many thought it couldn't be done, but facing a horrible, horrible, simply God-awful, I mean downright asstacular Redskins team, the Broncos managed to come away with only 5 fantasy points. And if that's not demonstrating the plucky, sorry-sad suckfest spirit of the Screwy Awards, then I don't know what is!
Ballsac Kicker
John Carney, 4 pts
Joe Nedney, 2 pts
Steven Hauschka, 0 pts
Nick Folk, -1 pt
And the Screwy goes to Nick Fuck--I mean Folk. Nick Folk.
This is the 1st Screwy nomination and win for Folk. He previously won the 1995 middle school award for Most Easily Made Fun Of Name with entries such as Dick Folk, Nick Poke, Nick Suck, Dick Soak, Prick Folk, and too many more to name here, but I'm sure you can think of some....
Nick Joke.
Teabagging Tight End
Tony Scheffler, 6 pts
Brandon Pettigrew, 4 pts
Vernon Davis, 4 pts
And the Screwy goes to Vernon Davis.
This is the 11th nomination, yet somehow the 13th win for Vernon. Vernon's scoring isn't very victorious. Vernon can be vicious like a virus. He vasn't been very vatisfying vor his vowners in the past and vontinues to visappoint to vis very day. Rumor has it that he's really a V reptilian alien in human skin on a mission to sabotage humanity, but that's vreposterousvvvvvvv.
Bootleg Runningback
Marshawn Lynch, 6 pts
Marion Barber, 4.5 pts
Brian Westbrook, 5 pts
Kevin Smith, 5.5 pts
Pierre Thomas, 3.5 pts
And the Screwy goes to Pierre Thomas.
Dude. 11 for 37 against the Rams? Marc Bulger had a better YPC than you in that game. You got the most touches and you still got outplayed by both Reggie "Lendale Did All The Work At USC" Bush and Mike "Who The Hell Am I?" Bell. It's the Rams! They're 28th against the run, not much better against the pass. Oh, I get it. The Saints are known more for passing, ranked 4th, so I guess we shouldn't have expected too much from you since the Saints running game is only ranked 5th!!!. Get it together, Pierre. There are way too many other RBs hovering around for you to be struggling against 1-win teams.
And now, one of my favorite categories (when I win). Fantasy Bastard awards that player on that other team that bent you over best of all this weekend. The nominees are...
Fantasy Bastard
Chris Johnson, 39.5 pts for damning Da Smooth Criminals
Randy Moss, 38 pts for destroying Da Smooth Criminals
Titans, 25 pts for gutting Gladiators
Reggie Bush, 22 pts for mashing Madden Curse
Philip Rivers, 23 pts for twisting Team Perfection
Peyton Manning, 36 pts for storming Savage Life
Sidney Rice, 27 pts for slicing Savage Life
Reggie Wayne, 34 pts for devastating Dub, Pope
Kurt Warner, 29 pts for devouring Dub, Pope
And the Screwy for Fantasy Bastard goes... to Chris Johnson.
A tight race in a fantasy game that wasn't even close. Chris Johnson edges out fantasy teammate Randy Moss to win his 1st Screwy. Moss is ever gracious in defeat, losing his 2nd straight Fantasy Bastard nomination, each time putting up a 38 point effort. Oh, and it looks as if Johnson is just as gracious, offering to share the award with Mos-- Oh. No, he's not. He's shaking it in Moss' face. That's not really like him. Oh! Now Moss is fake mooning Johnson in return. Joe Buck has just proclaimed it a disgusting display. And now Tom Brady told Joe Buck to keep his damn dirty mouth shut. Annnd now a brawl has broken out. And is that--yep. Falcons' Coach Mike Smith just threw a chair at Panther Jonathan Stewart. Let's just DVR this forward to the next category.
Belichick's 4th and 2 Decision Quarterback
Ben Roethlisberger, 7 pts
Carson Palmer, 8 pts
Jay Cutler, 5 pts
Joe Flacco, 7 pts
And the Screwy goes to Jay Cutler.
This is the 16th nomination and 3rd win for Cutler. Umpossible. It's just not possible to ssuuuck so bad. Five INTs in 49ers territory, 2 in the red zone. The media affectionately calls him Dread Zone. And by "media", I mean "me". And by "affectionately", I mean "$@!%&#ly;".
Wasted Wide Receiver
Bernard Berrian, 5 pts
Vincent Jackson, 2 pts
Chad Ochocinco, 4 pts
Nate Burleson, 0 pts
Marques Colston, 1 pt
Wow. What a tough decision. Does the Academy* vote for Burleson or Colston? 0 pts or a mere 1? Nothing or almost nothing. The sheer awfulness astounds the voters. The envelope, please. And the Screwy goes to Nate Burleson.
This is the first win of the season for Burleson. 0 points is 0 points and in the end, Burleson did less with more; his QB threw it twice as often as Colston's and his QB targeted him more than twice as often as Colston's. And Colston caught all his targets. Sure Colston, fumbled. But he caught a ball to fumble. Burleson couldn't fumble nothing but the air.
*The Academy of Fantasy Sport F@ckovers, or S.C.R.E.W.Y.
Seven awards have been handed out. Lastly, folks, we move on to our final category of the evening...
Biggest Bench Performer
Jamaal Charles, 19 pts
Bengals, 22 pts
David Garrard, 23 pts
Chris Wells, 24 pts
Brandon Marshall, 30 pts
Brett Favre, 23 pts
Jake Delhomme, 22 pts
Lee Evans, 21 pts
Jeremy Maclin, 19 pts
Honorable Mention: Kyle Orton, 21 pts
And the Screwy goes to Brandon Marshall.
This is Marshall's 3rd nomination and 1st win. In a week without a lot of bench blowouts or separation, Marshall takes home the prize with a 6 point lead over all other nominees. Benched for other good matchups, the real question is why in the hell is Brett Favre on the bench against the Lions?! And why in the hell is Jeremy Maclin on the bench when any Eagle can go off at any moment?!! And why in the hell are Lee Evans, Chris Wells, and Jake Delhomme lighting up the scoreboard?!!! And why in the hell are the Bengals D blasting the Steelers?!!!! And why in the hell do those contestants think they're gonna actually end up with Ray J?! Or Antonio?! Or Flava Flav?! Or New York?! Or Real?! Or Chance?! Or Tila Tequila?! Or better yet, why do they want to?!!!!!
Feel free to unply your tie and relax your slacks. That's all the hardware for the 157ng Annual Screwys.
But before we put the babies to bed and dance the night away, a little reminder of what's coming up. Three weeks left boiling over with division and conference matchups, an all-out brawl season ending just full of head-caving opportunity. For example, I plan to bash in Black da Ass Clown's skull twice. A bludgeoning for each fist. I may even try to get a heel in there. Who knows, the week is young.
Eat well and sleep even better. Good night.
~Joker Beast~
| Light It Up (Anton Maclin) says, |
| Nov 17, 2009 6:54:16 AM PST |
| I like this one Terry. Donovan McNabb said, how did his 32 get left off the fantasy bastard voting . Division rival, good luck the rest of the way. We meet again soon. Payback time |
| Light It Up (Anton Maclin) says, |
| Nov 17, 2009 6:59:00 AM PST |
| I'm comin back to get you ninjas in my division who got a win on me earlier in the season I'm lettin everybody have it now. You can just call me Mr. " Come N Get It" All these trades and loading up everyone's tryin to do won't work. We aint goin nowhere Light it Up to the Bowl Baby!! Everybody watch out |
| Black da Ass Clown (Nathaniel Hunter) says, |
| Nov 17, 2009 7:15:18 AM PST |
| Good ish Joker Beast. Nice victory you pulled off against Madden Curse. You should be thanking him for not starting Brett Favre and handing you a victory. I love you like a fat lady loves the Cheesecake Factory but you will get your worse loss of the season this week. Don't take this ass whippin personally. Like I said at the beginning of the season, "I am kicking ass, showin my ass and laughing to the bank". Now Team Perfection. Good effort But you know what it is. Congratulations; Light It Up, Gladiators and Ol Skool. We did it. Playoff bound, so there are 4 playoff spots left and it looks like it will be a tough race and will come down to the last second of the last game. Now more than ever you need to make sure you are on top of your picks. |
| Team Perfection (Ryan Bridges) says, |
| Nov 17, 2009 10:57:00 AM PST |
| Good game Black . I'll be back. |
| The Joker Beast (Terry Wesley) says, |
| Nov 17, 2009 7:44:02 PM PST |
| You're right, Anton. McNabb did get left out. A mistake by the Academy. And I look forward to beating you again in Week 13. I mean, meeting you. No, wait, I had that right. Beating you. The only payback that's gonna happen is me getting paid back my league fees. But first, I'ma destroy this Black ass clown. Black, I loved the Cheesecake Factory line, but it wasn't nearly as hilarious as the one about me getting "my worst loss of the season this week". That. Was. Hysterical. My team's gonna have more points than a porcupine on a cactus. More numbers than a Chinese phonebook. Heh. "Worst loss of the season." That's good comedy. J-Beast |
| Team Perfection (Ryan Bridges) says, |
| Nov 17, 2009 7:54:03 PM PST |
| Hey Beast..........Don't do 'em like that lol. Don't pull out all the clever metaphors on 'em like that lol. You know me, I'm a HUGE fan of good word play and vocab. I have to give it to you again my friend, your reply to black was funny as hell lol. "More points than a porcupine on a cactus lol." "More numbers than a Chinese phone book lol." WOW! Quite clever, Beast............Damn clever lol. |
| Team Perfection (Ryan Bridges) says, |
| Nov 17, 2009 8:31:51 PM PST |
| As a matter of fact, your almost as clever as I am lol . Keep up the good work, fam . I have more good times reading your similes and metaphors than J.J, Thelma and Michael put together lol. You know me......I couldn't let you have all the literary fun by yourself lol . |
| Light It Up (Anton Maclin) says, |
| Nov 17, 2009 9:19:49 PM PST |
| Well beast, I mean bust You beating me again is in fact a joke So joker beast, I mean bust, you might want to concentrate on your matchup with black You're falling further and further behind. The chances of you getting your money back are beginning to look bleak. Good luck until week 13, because you're gonna need more that luck to beat me again, won't happen |
| Black da Ass Clown (Nathaniel Hunter) says, |
| Nov 18, 2009 1:15:45 PM PST |
| Yeah, Joker Beast is funny. Like a tick on my ass. Joker Beast and Team Perfection are gonna have more L's than Snoop's ash tray. Black is throwing up more W's than NWA. I am gonna beat more s'aggin than Pinky. My boots are gonna collect more shit than a jockey at the Kentucky Derby. I guess for every buck you make it's like a hundred for me. And still you running around thinking you got something on me. But I done did it. 2 Time Champ, How's that for verbal word play |
| Light It Up (Anton Maclin) says, |
| Nov 18, 2009 9:41:24 PM PST |
| Good luck the rest of the way Nate. You know we're gonna battle to the end for the top spot in the conference |
| Team Perfection (Ryan Bridges) says, |
| Nov 19, 2009 11:00:28 AM PST |
| I must say...............not bad, Black. Not bad at all, Black lol . You did a good job of showing off some of your word play skills with similes and metaphors. I know you can come up with some hot bars too . Dig this here though.................. Respect isn't given, its urn like ashes......... Since I'm not dead, I'm gon take it, like Cassius..............I'm lookin at the league with my peripheral vision........... Call me "Gracie the Great".......I'm makin squads tap out in submission. My pop always told me that, "Looks can be deceivin," false prophets and lame squads I'm just not believin. You criticize, you laugh, you pray for my down fall..............No avalanche in me...... I got the solution for all yall. So I'm gon give yall enough rope..........I'll let yall hang yo' self........... Don't look for the trophy.........Its gon be on my shelf. At the crib we chillin', with dime pieces and money.........I know the league is out there hatin..........You want it, come and take it from me. Respect isn't given, it's urn like ashes..............Since I'm not dead, I'm gon take it like Cassius. With bars like that, I think I can go get a record deal lol.............and it only took me a few minutes to put it down. Off the top of the dome, baby lol. After I win the championship this year, I'm gon change my teams' name to "X-Ray Vision." Because I see through all you niggas lol |
| The Joker Beast (Terry Wesley) says, |
| Nov 19, 2009 5:05:23 PM PST |
| Good stuff, Perfection. Good stuff. |