That Bearded Mofo

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And Now Giving Thanks From The Joker Beast...

Thank you, thank you. Thank you for your applause. (You were applauding, right?)

I'd like to thank Anquan Boldin and Greg Jennings for reliving the long gone, good old days of 2008. I knew I kept you for some reason.

I'd like to thank Steve Smith (CAR) for making me feel like I had a real fight on my hands.

I'd like to thank Steve Breaston for showing me I didn't.

I could give thanks all day, but I'm really interested in seeing what you all are thankful for. In honor of this Thursday where we gorge ourselves on food and football games, I've selected a few thankful messages out of the old Joker Beast emailbag. (You can hold your applause now. Don't want you hurting your hands.)

S. Spagnuolo from St. Louis (but really New York) writes,
I'm thankful I didn't embarrass myself by going for the touchdown on 4th and goal. At the 2 yard line. Down by 18 points. At the end of the 3rd quarter. With a 1-8 record. And their quarterback out of the game. And settled for the field goal instead.
JB: But you did embarrass yourself, Spags. You did.

Ronnie B. from Miami writes, (dated two weeks ago)
I'm thankful I played my first full 16 game season last year. My IR curse is broken!

Alphonso W. from Madden Curse HQ writes,
I'm thankful I don't live in Pittsburgh, so I can deny being a Steelers fan this week.

John C. from Da Smooth Criminals HQ writes,
I'm thankful I traded away Marques Colston and DeAngelo Williams over the last three months. It takes a lot of work to get the first pick of the draft.

LaDainian T. from San Diego writes,
I'm thankful my wife LaTorsha and I are pregnant again after our difficulty the first time.
JB: Congrats! I read an Internet comment that suggested you name it LaBaby.

Nathaniel H. from Black da Ass Clown HQ writes,
I'm thankful I got Michael Crabtree with the 133rd pick of the draft. Twelfth round, b*tches!

Mike S. from Gridy HQ writes,
I'm thankful Carson plays Cleveland and Detroit, LaDainian plays K.C. and Cleveland, and Dallas Clark plays Houston and Tennessee the next two weeks.

Joe J. from Neverland Ranch writes,
I'm thankful that, even though I look like an iguana, I fathered the greatest pop artist of all time. Also, I got this project I'm working on--
JB: You may look like an iguana, but all I see is snake.

Rodney B. from Savage Life HQ writes,
I'm thankful my team finally stopped messing around and we're getting back in this.

Twon H. from Dub, Pope HQ writes,
I'm thankful my team finally stopped messing around and we're getting back in this.

Rodney B. from Savage Life HQ writes,
Hey, I just said that!

Twon H. from Dub, Pope HQ writes,
Oh. Then I'm also thankful for Calvin Johnson and Hines Ward, a.k.a "The Ticket" and "To The Playoffs".

D. Bowe from Kansas City writes,
I'm thankful I'll be off suspension for the second week of the fantasy playoffs, just in time for my owners to already be out of it.

Rob R. from Ol School HQ writes,
I'm thankful I have Dallas' entire running game. If one running back goes down, I can substitute another one to not get touchdowns.

Demerrio G. from Gladiators HQ writes,
I'm thankful for our whack-ass tiebreaker rule.

Anton M. from Light It Up HQ writes,
I'm thankful Roy Williams let me know what the deal was early.

Count D. from Transylvania writes,
I'm thankful that movies, books, and TV have made my kind sexy and popular. Thanks "Twilight". And "True Blood" and "Vampire Diaries" and--
JB: Go the f*ck away, please!

Terrell O. from obscurity writes,
I'm thankful I rewarded all the fantasy owners that stuck with me with a 34 point game this week. What am I saying? Nobody dropped me. I'm T.O. Hey, who owns me in your league, Beast? Huh? Who owns me?
JB: I don't know, some team named FA.

Terry W. from The Joker Beast HQ writes,
Love your column. You're the best ever XOXOXOXOXOX But seriously, I'm thankful I don't have to play any of these 3 or 4 win teams the rest of the regular season. They're dangerous and that race is tight.

Demarco D. from Hitmen HQ writes,
I'm thankful my season is proof that fantasy sports is nothing but (un)lucky matchups.

Bud A. from Tennessee writes,
Heh ha! I'm thankful I''m so rich each of my fingers is worth 125,000 dollars.
JB: I'd let you flip me off for 30 bucks and a tank of gas.

Ryan B. from Team Perfection HQ writes,
I'm thankful Tom Brady didn't light up the Jets like he did the Titans. I wanna save all those touchdowns for Monday night's New England/New Orleans shootout with Dub Pope's Brees.

Saint Louis from Missouri writes,
I'm thankful I'm only ranked 2nd among the country's most dangerous cities of 2009. I mean, really, I think 2nd is too high. You're telling me it's safer in Chicago or New York? Brooklyn? Really? But I'm not here to complain. I'm thankful I'm not first. But I'm sure those surveying scumbags would've loved that. Saint Louis first. "Ooh that place is so dirty with its gambling houses and its East Side." You know, it sickens me, to rank me in the top 5--top 55! Ridiculous! And I'd kill every last one of them muthaf*ckas wanna try to f*ck up my rep! Don't they know who I am?! It's the MidWestsiiiiide up in here! I float n*gg*s down the Mississippi for breakfast, have 'em waking up dead in the NOLA for lunch! ... [Ahem] And I'm thankful to be the heart of America.
JB: )O_o(

I think I'm gonna leave the emailbag alone on that note. But I would like to hear from you. G'on 'head and reply with what you think you (or others) are thankful for this Thanksgiving season. And have a Happy Turkey Day!

'Til next week's regular season wrap-up...

[singing] I'll be beating you...
In all the old familiar places...

~Dr. Joker Beast III, Esq.~

Comments (aka, the worst part of the Internet):
Make sure you're logged in. If you're not, I'd suggest copying all that text you just wrote before it goes bye-bye.

Team Perfection (Ryan Bridges) says,
Nov 24, 2009 2:16:16 PM PST
Pretty good, there JB. Pretty good lol.