That Bearded Mofo

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And Now A 2009 Wrap-Up From The Joker Beast...

Twelve weeks. Twelve weeks is a long time. But not long enough when you're having fun whooping up on other teams. And not long enough when you need more wins to make it past Week 13. But a lot has happened over the last twelve weeks. A whole lot. Remember when Gladiators lost that one game? Ooh, remember when Da Smooth Criminals won that one game?

Here's a song to wrap up this eventful 2009 football season. It's a rap in the style of Biggie's verse from "Notorious Thugs".

Fantorious 2009
J-Beast the Joker, baby. J-Beast the Joker, baby.
J-Beast the Joker, baby. J-Beast the Joker, baby.
Let's ride (let's ride) Let's ride (let's ride)
And score high (score high) Score high (score high)
Let's ride (let's ride) Let's ride (let's ride)
And score high (score high) Score high (score high)

Two thousand and niiine!
Nuthin' but the Joker, Nuthin' but the Joker, Joker
Two thousand and niiine!
Nuthin' but the Joker, Nuthin' but the Joker--

SmackMack's Rent-A-Hoes! Pats beat Titans 59 to 0.
Soccer girl in New Mexico, throwing bows and yanking fros.
Jamarcus Russell is terrible, they may let him go.
While Tom Cable is lungin' at coaches, punchin' coaches.
Darrius Heyward-Bey ain't givin' them no chance.
Obama won the Nobel Prize and Glenn Beck cries.
That douchebag needs to dry his eyes.
Sammy Sosa looks skinned alive. Favre to the Vikes sounds pretty wise.
Vince Young does too. The way he threw
Against the Cards, brought up his crew.
Saint Louis ranked the number two
Dangerous city to be traveling through.
Balloon Boy ralphed his morning brew.
Who really thought that stunt was true?
Then comes Mike Vick and we're like, "Sick. Lost his skills."
Cause of those dog kills.
Hearing Chris and Rihanna still.
Buuud Adams throws doublef*ck you to the Bills.
Larry Johnson, hates the gays.
Daylight Savings Time parted ways.
Cutler sucks. Saints don't lose.
Sanchez, sideline, eating food.
Shawn Merriman and Tila Tequila
Must've started to feel da tequila
Shoulda tried to hide or steal da tequila
She was tryna ride so he reeled da Tequila
Now he just wanna kill da Tequila.
Whatcha go'n do? No big deal-a.
Redskins go and hire bingo
Caller. The offense still go slow.
One dollar bribe Ochocinco.
Sesame Street turned 40 years old!
Kerry Washington, when you comin' home, hon?
F*ck it. Roethlisberger,
Did you hurt her? Judge wanna see a trial.
Could be meeting Plaxico in a while.
With a Katt Williams mugshot smile.
Screwy like them tight awards.
Like Belichick going for two on four.
Concussions taking out folks galore.
Twelve weeks down, there's still one more.

(We forgive you, for you know not who to start...)

And there you have it. You can download the track at www.youreallytypingthisshit.questionmark for only $Free.99.

And now, as with my Week 8 column, the State of the League with detailed playoff implications for each team.

Are you ready?

Gladiators: you're in.
Light It Up: you're in.
Ol School: you're in.
Madden Curse: you're in.
The Joker Beast: I'm in.
Black da Ass Clown: you're in.

That leaves the last two slots. Two slots for five hungry-ass contestants. At this level, 5 wins could get you in, but even 6 won't guarantee it. Here's what has to happen for each team to get one of those last vacant playoff slots.


Okay, look. I was gonna give the details of what all can go down for each team to get one of the final slots. But the sh*t's way too complicated and time consuming. Just know that everybody still has a chance. I'll just throw some simplified for instances out there.

If Dub, Pope wins and maintains his points lead on Perfection and Savage Life, he'll snatch up one of the playoff seeds.

But Hitmen's points lead is ridiculous! We're talking a 123.5 point lead on the nearest competition going into this week. Hitmen would own the tiebreaker over all the rest by virtue of his insurmountable score, so if he wins and at least two of the 5-7 teams lose, he'll slip right into that last spot. If all three lose, he'll jump to 7th.

And it's bleak for Gridy, but even he can get in if he outscores his opponent Dub, Pope this week by 102.5 points. Or if he just simply beats Pope...Perfection, Savage Life, and Hitmen lose...and he outscores Perfection by 73 and Savage Life by 57. You know, simple stuff.

So this is it. The end.

Except not the end yet.

I guess, technically, you could say it's the beginning.

Yes. That's good. The beginning.

The beginning of the end.

The end being the playoffs.

But I'm rambling.

I can't sign off without wishing a crushing, merciless loss to Light It Up this week. Sure, I can't catch up to you in points, and I can't win the conference or the division. But I can still tie you in record! And I'll be able to brag about sweeping you this season. Ha ha!

By the way, congrats to Gladiators for winning the Vertical Conference and Light It Up for winning the Horizontal Conference. [applause] [applause] [applause]

Light It Up, I vill break you.

And Now From The Joker Beast...


Comments (aka, the worst part of the Internet):
Make sure you're logged in. If you're not, I'd suggest copying all that text you just wrote before it goes bye-bye.

Light It Up (Anton Maclin) says,
Dec 01, 2009 6:53:00 AM PST
Good luck this week Joker! I'll have to turn the heat up for you this week Unfortunately you wont get the sweep You're a tough matchup but I got somethin hot for you this week Let's get ready for the playoffs

Black da Ass Clown (Nathaniel Hunter) says,
Dec 01, 2009 7:18:45 AM PST
Congratulations, Joker Beast. You made it in. Congratulations, Light It Up. You finally get some money. It's not looking good for me this playoffs but I am still talking shit and plan on kicking anyone's ass who gets in front of me.