That Bearded Mofo

BEFORE AND AFTERMATH: ROUND ONE

Joker Beast's War Journal
Tuesday, December 8, 2009

We're losing our minds in this mortal combat.

Speaking of Mortal Kombat...

ROUND 1: FIGHT!

Raiden (Gladiators 12-1) vs. Johnny Cage (Team Perfection 6-7)
The Godlike Record versus The Reckless Hollywood Playboy.

These two meet every 7 weeks. At least, that's how it worked out this year. Nearly omnipotent Gladiators has struggled of late, ever since his first and only loss. Over the last four games, he's averaged only 97 points, a number that doesn't fit the 2nd most points leader. Team Perfection owes Gladiators a few karate chops for the midseason beating that dropped him to 3-4. It's lights, camera, kickoff and this superstar is ready to show Gladiators what Perfection really is. Can Ochocinco and Harvin come big again? Or will Romo and Welker lead Gladiators one step closer to his rightful crown?

Season Points Avg: Gladiators - 113.8 vs 104.4 - Team Perfection

Finish Him! Gladiators flies into the body of Team Perfection via Vincent Jackson slicing through the Cowboys defense with supercharged energy. Toasty! Team Perfection explodes into a shower of gory goodness. Fatality. Gladiators wins.

Scorpion (Light It Up 8-5) vs. Goro (Dub, Pope 6-7)
The Bloodthirsty Ninja Assassin versus The Multi-Armed Monster.

Light It Up spent 6 of his last 8 matchups taking out opponents before they ever saw it coming, including Dub, Pope in Week 9. "Getoverhere!!" was the last thing victims heard before getting speared right in the heart by Chris Johnson. Meanwhile, Dub Pope has gone on a tear of his own, ripping 428.5 points in the last three weeks. That's an average of 142 and change. And that's the real beast no one wants to face. Can the names Brees, Fitzgerald, and Megatron back up the fear their names strike in the hearts of fantasy opponents? Or will McNabb and Moss quench Light It Up's bloodthirst?

Season Points Avg: Light It Up - 112.4 vs 106.4 - Dub, Pope

Finish Him! Dub, Pope seizes Light It Up with arms Fitzgerald and Johnson and repeatedly beats him over the head with arms Witten and Brees until he's a broken mangled mess. Fatality. Dub, Pope wins.

Liu Kang (The Joker Beast 8-5) vs. Sub-Zero (Madden Curse 7-6)
The Throat-kicking Monk versus The Ice Cold Warrior

They're brothers... They're happy, and they're singing, and they're hungry! At 1506.5, Madden Curse has stockpiled points like nuclear warheads. And like those warheads, it only takes 125 or so to destroy the whole world. With scores of 141, 151.5, and 172.5, the Curse is definitely capable of delivering icy blows of death. The Joker Beast generously allowed 5 opponents to beat him, but gave up his generous ways in week 10. He now holds the longest current win streak at 4 games. A streak that began with Madden Curse. Can Boldin and Gates bring the Beast inner peace and enlightenment? Or will Favre, Rice, and Colston freeze out the competition?

Season Points Avg: The Joker Beast - 102 vs 115.9 - Madden Curse

Finish Him! The Joker Beast uppercuts the dazed Madden Curse with Jennings, sending him high into the air. As Curse comes down, Beast drops into a split and hard-punches him in the nuts with Boldin, then kicks the throat right off his body with Gates—nothing but head and shoulders. Fatality. The Joker Beast wins.

Shang Tsung (Ol School 8-5) vs. Reptile (Black da Ass Clown 8-5)
The Aggressive General versus The Elusive Champion

They met in Week 1, now they meet in Round 1. Call him "The Streak", 'cause Ol School never does anything once. Not win, not lose. Five wins, two losses, three wins, three losses. We better hope he's at the end of his current streak and not the start of a new one or else it's 3 quick wins and the General becomes Grand Ruler. Meanwhile, reigning champ Black managed to slip away from defeat early in the season, but with his recent 3-game average of 84 points, repeat hopes seem to be slithering away. Can the cagey Ass Clown crawl into the second round on the backs of Philip Rivers and Joseph Addai? Or will Warner and Wayne make Ol School the overseer of this tournament?

Season Points Avg: Ol School - 100.6 vs 98.3 - Black da Ass Clown

Finish Him! Black da Ass Clown dazes Ol School with a blast of Steve Smith acid, grabs him by the throat and rips the spine from his body, holding it up for the world to see. Ol School's empty flesh falls to the floor in a heap. Fatality. Black da Ass Clown wins.

Best of luck to all.

But you don't need luck, do you?

Credits
~Joker Beast~