BEFORE AND AFTERMATH: SUPERBOWL
Joker Beast's War Journal
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
And so this is Christmas.
But not for all of us. Two more got taken down. Gladiators and Black. Rushed to the infirmary. Not dead.
Not yet.
But they'll be fighting over the last I.V. bag.
Almost all the life has left me. Wrote these last two journal entries with my nostril muscle. Only part of me still moving.
I hope someone gets us carcasses up before next football season. I'll be ready then. We'll all be ready then.
In the meantime, all I wanted for Christmas is a championship. Someone please get Santa for me...
So I can kick his ass.
And a nostril massager. That'd be a nice gift too.
Signed,
Joker Ghost
AND THEN THERE WERE TWO...
(But Really Still Four)
In the undercard, Gladiators (13-2) plays in his third straight Pooperbowl against two-time Superbowl winner Black da Ass Clown (9-6). It's the reigning Supe versus the reigning Poop, going all the way down to Monday Night Football, y'all!
The Superbowl
Light It Up (10-5) vs Madden Curse (9-6)
They met in the first week and now they meet in the last week. Poetic. Feels like the real NFL, too: two teams from different conferences, battle conference foes to meet each other in the championship.
Light It Up won their first match when Madden Curse put up his worst effort of the season. It's only been gut-punching, asshole-tearing point outputs for Madden Curse since. Meanwhile, Light It Up's been honing his craft of dragon-slaying, winning 8 of his last 10 matchups.
Between records and season points averages (111.1 vs 117.9), this looks to be a close one. Impossible to call at a glance. Let's take a deeper look at the players in this matchup.
QB (opp vs pass)
[LIU]
Donovan McNabb vs DEN (2nd)
Avg: 22.0 Rk: 15 Pos: 12
He's never scored less than 13 in a game this season. But he did that 3 times. Did struggle against Oakland and Washington earlier this year, but hung big ones on the Giants both times. Sooo, Denver could go either way, but I'd choose Yay over Nay.
Matthew Stafford @ SF (28th)
Avg: 16.9 Rk: 65 Pos: 22
De. Troit. Lions.
[MC]
Brett Favre @ CHI (7th)
Avg: 22.8 Rk: 7 Pos: 7
What's up with you and the Childress beef, Favre? I think coach is jealous of you getting all the credit. That and you changing plays in the huddle like you're some kinda future Hall of Famer or sumthin... Can't wait to see what this Vikings off-season's gonna look like.
Jay Cutler vs MIN (16th)
Avg: 16.8 Rk: 30 Pos: 18
F@ck no!
RB (opp vs run)
[LIU]
Chris Johnson vs SD (21st)
Avg: 21.6 Rk: 11 Pos: 1
Does that-- Does that say 21.6? For a running back? How is that possible?! I don't-- I don't understand.
Cedric Benson vs KC (31st)
Avg: 13.1 Rk: 82 Pos: 14
Averaging 7.88 over his last four games played. See, the upside of running backs in a PPR-wide-receiver-loving league is that running backs get touchdowns. But Ceddy B hasn't seen the end zone since November 8th. Thankfully he gets the lowly Kansas City Chiefs, a.k.a. his backup's former team that I'm sure his backup wouldn't mind playing hard against for revenge therefore taking away from his carries and stealing his goal line charges Chiefs.
[MC]
Ray Rice @ PIT (1st)
Avg: 17.4 Rk: 25 Pos: 4
Last time he played the Steelers, Rice scored a nice 16.5, just under his average. In fact, 16.5 seems to be his number seeing as how he's made that 4 times this season (3 weeks straight in one stretch). Despite an abnormal 5.5 output against the Packers a few weeks ago, he should be fine. He's definitely Baltimore's go-to guy.
Frank Gore vs DET (24th)
Avg: 16.2 Rk: 51 Pos: 8
De. Troit. Lions. What more can I say? Top billing! That's what we get. Got it good. And since you understood...
Rashard Mendenhall vs BAL (7th)
Avg: 11.3 Rk: 79 Pos: 12
To start or not to start? This guy loves getting points on the bench. The perpetual Mr. "Oh, You Should've Started Me Over So-and-so". Mendenhall, you jive turkey.
Brandon Jacobs vs CAR (26th)
Avg: 9.6 Rk: 115 Pos: 23
Panthers ranked 26th? Oh, that's nice--He's not starting.
WR (opp vs pass)
[LIU]
Randy Moss vs JAC (27th)
Avg: 17.2 Rk: 27 Pos: 7
You're a sly one...Mr. Moss.
The Panthers accused you of treasonnn.
Your numbers are still good.
But not as great as the '07 season.
Mr. Mooo-oss...
I wonder if he'll fake moon the Jaguars for any old reasonnn?
Mike Sims-Walker @ NE (9th)
Avg: 13.5 Rk: 62 Pos: 22
Who is this guy? No, seriously. Who is this guy? He play, he don't play. He's the main guy, he's nobody. His name is perfect. "Sims" because he simulates someone you can believe in and "Walker" because he can walk away from you at any moment.
Antonio Bryant @ NO (25th)
Avg: 9.0 Rk: 184 Pos: 59
Braylon Edwards dumped for him. Wha-- Why?
Mark Clayton @ PIT (18th)
Avg: 7.2 Rk: 209 Pos: 67
He's back and ready to go. No thanks.
[MC]
Marques Colston vs TB (8th)
Avg: 14.7 Rk: 41 Pos: 15
Drew Brees!!! Or more like "Drew Brees! Over here. Throw it to me. Drew, I'm open. Throw it to me. Please. Drew! Over here. Over he--Awww..."
Brandon Marshall @ PHI (14th)
Avg: 18.3 Rk: 18 Pos: 3
I still hate this f@cker. Signed, The Joker Beast.
Roddy White vs BUF (3rd)
Avg: 14.9 Rk: 38 Pos: 12
More like "Shoddy White", am I right? Anybody? Anybody?... Hasn't done too well in the playoffs. His next fantasy start will be in 2010.
TE (opp vs pass)
[LIU]
Tony Gonzalez vs BUF (3rd)
Avg: 13.6 Rk: 52 Pos: 4
Have you seen his wife? Good Lawd! Screw Tom Brady; Tony G's got the hottest wife in the NFL. Oh, and his stats are good too. If you're into that kind of thing.
Heath Miller vs BAL (6th)
Avg: 11.5 Rk: 75 Pos: 8
Had a discussion several weeks back about the best all around tight end in football--blocking and receiving. He was the consensus.
[MC]
Kellen Winslow @ NO (25th)
Avg: 11.9 Rk: 66 Pos: 6
He gets his points. Not in the first quarter. Not in the second quarter. Maybe not in the third. But somehow, by the end of the game he gets 10.
Kevin Boss vs CAR (4th)
Avg: 8.8 Rk: 159 Pos: 18
You, sir, are not the boss of anybody except the "Receivers Ignored By Eli Association of America". Which, by the way, consists only of you and Domenik Hixon.
K (opp vs pts)
[LIU]
Matt Prater @ PHI (15th)
Avg: 7.8 Rk: 169 Pos: 7
You're a kicker. Who cares?
Robbie Gould vs MIN (8th)
Avg: 6.0 Rk: 213 Pos: 20
You're a kicker. Who cares?
[MC]
Rob Bironas vs SD (13th)
Avg: 8.1 Rk: 161 Pos: 5
You're a kicker. Who--Oh, hey. You're that guy that kicks 60-yarders.
Cool.
Dan Carpenter vs HOU (14th)
Avg: 6.9 Rk: 189 Pos: 11
You're a kicker. Who cares?
DEF (opp offense)
[LIU]
Saints vs TB (29th)
Avg: 13.9 Rk: 50 Pos: 2
The mighty Saints defense against the wimpy Bucs offense. I should trademark the phrase "Massacre at the Superdome" before the Monday papers come out.
Giants vs CAR (24th)
Avg: 11.5 Rk: 73 Pos: 10
Whooo, two defenses against sorry NFC South squads. Looks like Light It Up made Santa's nice list.
[MC]
49ers vs DET (27th)
Avg: 11.1 Rk: 84 Pos: 13
Say it with me: De. Troit. Lions. There you go.
Texans @ MIA (14th)
Avg: 10.8 Rk: 91 Pos: 16
Texans, you're gonna score more points than the Niners. Why? Just because. 'Cause that's what backup D/STs like to do. They like to mess up the obvious choice. 'Cause the Niners are the right choice. But you don't care. You just like to mess with people's emotions. Sittin' on the bench there, having too many points. You make me sick. Tell 'em, Mendenhall.
Mendenhall: Shoulda started me instead of the 49ers.
Shut up, you!
Good luck, competitors.
Everybody have a merry Christmas and happy holiday season. And remember the greatest gift of all... No more stressful Monday nights until September.
'Til 2010...
Peace
~The Joker Beast~