And Now More Trophies From The Joker Beast...
The Joker Beast is a humble man. I could gloat over beating Gladiators. I could talk about trouncing and throttling the Gladiator team. I could say that I knocked him over, stole his money, and bought his respect with it.
It's not in me. Congratulations to all the winners this past weekend.
And once again we celebrate the winners at being losers. It's time for the 1st Annual 2010 Screwy Awards! We acknowledge those fantasy sonsofbitches that snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.
We have a night full of first-time winners. Oops. I mean... We didn't open the envelopes beforehand. We don't know who won. This isn't rigged. ... Get off of me!
And now the awards.
The "Kevin Kolb Memorial" Award - Quarterbacks
Joe Flacco, 5 pts
Carson Palmer, 8 pts
Derek Anderson, 4 pts
Matt Moore, 9 pts
Jimmy Clausen, 0 pts
Trent Edwards, 2 pts
Brett Favre, 4 pts
Vince Young, -1 pt
Dennis Dixon, 1 pt
Charlie Batch, 1 pt
Jason Campbell, 3 pts
David Garrard, 6 pts
And the Screwy goes to Joe Flacco.
Actually, only Flacco and Palmer were eligible, because they were the only QBs started in any fantasy games. All the other QBs were either benched in real NFL games this Sunday or should have been. In a week full of amazing fantasy quarterback numbers (six starting QBs with 28 points+) we get all these stinkos. Brett Favre, you know this is not training camp, right? You skipped that. Jason Campbell, stop playing like a Raider. Derek Anderson... Well, let me address your coach. Wisenhunt, you still hate Leinart that much? 4 points much? And Vince Young, negative one point? Negative one?! You know what, Flacco, gimme that trophy back. Here, Vince, yours.
The "Brandon Jacobs Missing Person" Award - Running Backs
Ryan Mathews, 3 pts
Chris Johnson, 4.5 pts
Maurice Jones-Drew, 2.5 pts
And the Screwy goes to Maurice Jones-Drew.
This is the 1st nomination and win for MJD. Hey Jones-Drew, C.J. Spiller called. He wants his stats back. No? Julius Jones called. He wants his stats back. You got less points than an armless man. When God was handing out points, you thought He said joints so you asked for two and a half of 'em. Are you smoking, son? Are you on the reefer? Betty White called. She wants her stats back. And, Chris Johnson, whatdaf*ck?
The "Antonio Bryant Unemployment" Award - Wide Receivers
Steve Breaston, 4 pts
Legedu Naanee, 2 pts
T.J. Houshmandzadeh, 0 pts
Hines Ward, 1 pt
And the Screwy goes to T.J. Hush-- T.J. Hoose-- Whoseyour-- T.J. Hshshmrazshestja.
This is the 1st nomination and win for T.J. Worcestershire. Legedu Naanee came in a close second for funniest sounding name. Although no player has ever managed to top hall of famer Dick Butkis.
You can't beat a Dick Butkis.
The "Mike Ditka Constipated Face" Award - Tight Ends
Tony Gonzalez, 3 pts
Jermaine Gresham, 4 pts
Brent Celek, 5 pts
And the Screwy goes to Tony Gonzalez.
This is the 2nd nomination and 2nd win for Tony Gonzalez. For realz. He won a Screwy for his week three performance last year. That's the truth. But here's a rumor. If you watch the entire 60 minutes of a Cowboys game in reverse, Troy Aikman appears in your mirror and offers you unlimited wings from Wing Stop in exchange for your soul. Joke is on him though, 'cause if you can bear to watch 60 seconds of a Cowboys game, you have no soul.
The "Mike Vanderjagt Liquored-Up Idiot" Award - Kickers
Lawrence Tynes, 2 pts
John Kasay, 1 pt
Stephen Gostkowski, 0 pts
And the Screwy goes to--
Who cares? It's a kicker.
The "Darrelle Revis Injured Pride" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Giants, 4 pts
Not-so-giants, 4 pts
Cryants, 4 pts
Giant Debacle, 4 pts
My Giant, Billy Crystal pts
And the Screwy goes to the New York Giants.
This is the 1st nomination and 1st win for the New York Not-the-Jets. The Not-the-Jets really sucked Jets playing against the Jets Jetsday night. JetsJets Jets Jets Jets JetsJetsJets Jets Jets Jets Jets Jets Jets Jets Jets Jets Jets Jets--Is it obnoxious yet? When will the media get that?
The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Louis Murphy, 21 pts for trampling Team Perfection
Drew Brees, 25 pts for debilitating Diablo Negro
Adrian Peterson, 27 pts for striking STLiens
Aaron Rodgers, 32 pts for stomping STLiens
Matt Schaub, 40 pts for hacking Hitmen
Andre Johnson, 33 pts for grinding Gridy
LeSean McCoy, 32 pts for gouging Gridy
Steelers, 32 pts for gutting Gridy
Michael Vick, 29 pts for glitching Gladiators
And the Screwy goes to Matt "Ya G*dd*mn Right" Schaub.
Holy Sh*t. 497 yards passing? What, you thought tossing 3 more might be showing off? Can we get an honorable mention here for footBALLS DEEP's trio of Johnson, McCoy, and Steelers? Good Lord. Those three combined for more than some team totals this week.
And now, the final award of the night...
The "Albert Haynesworth Pine Rider" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Knowshon Moreno, 19 pts
Chargers, 19 pts
Dustin Keller, 24 pts
Mark Sanchez, 31 pts
Jahvid Best, 44.5 pts
Donovan McNabb, 27 pts
Dolphins, 19 pts
Matt Hasselbeck, 19 pts
And the Screwy goes to Jahvid Best.
Well, kick off your shoes and relax your feet. That concludes another shining Screwy Awards presentation.
And Light It Up, you go'n need to light it up after the stinker you're about to lay this weekend.