And Now Celebrate Bad Times With The Joker Beast...
Sonofabitch.
Well, you can't win 'em all. It's sad times at The Joker Beast camp. With that loss I fall allll the way down to first place.
Anyhoo. Congratulations to most of this week's winners. And congratulations to the Rams! 3 wins in 6 games is much improved over 3 wins in 32 games. Next time, try not to put my lead ball-catcher out the game, though.
Speaking of balls, it's time again to award those guys that played like 'em. Let's give cheers to those nutsacks that ruined your week with the 290th Annual Screwy Awards! Our first category, the passers...
The "Phil Simms Don't Know Sh*t About Sh*t" Award - Quarterback
Jay Cutler, 15 pts
Tom Brady, 16 pts
Philip Rivers, 16 pts
Brett Favre, 10 pts
And the Screwy goes to Brett Favre.
This is the 145th nomination and, let's sayyy, 10th win for Mr. Favre. Boy, what a year for this guy. Maybe we should just leave him alone. Yeah.
*cough* Sexting *cough*
Excuse me. Now moving on to
*cough* InterceptionMcFumbleface *cough*
Moving on to the runners...
The "Barry Sanders Early Retirement" Award - Running Backs
Brandon Jackson, 8.5 pts
Ryan Mathews, 8.5 pts
Jahvid Best, 7 pts
Michael Turner, 4.5 pts
Maurice Jones-Drew, 6 pts
And the Screwy goes to Maurice Jones-Drew.
This is the 2nd straight nomination and 2nd straight win for MoMo. In Week 2 he screwed Hitmen and now he screwed Savage Life. Perhaps he will make a Shaq-like tour and screw every team in the league before his career's done. Sorry. I meant Kim Kardashian-like tour to screw every team in the league before her career's done.
Look! It's the next category, the catchers...
The "T.J. Houshmandzadeh Invisibility Cloak" Award - Wide Receivers
Santanio Holmes, 7 pts
Donald Driver, 6 pts
Percy Harvin, 6 pts
Louis Murphy, 5 pts
Miles Austin, 3 pts
Malcom Floyd, 3 pts
Hakeem Nicks, 3 pts
Mike Sims-Walker, 3 pts
Ooh, a tight race. Who will it be? Floyd? Shoulda had a huge day against the Rams. Leapfrogging Austin? I already slammed his girlfriend. (That's what he said.) Murphy? He is a Raider. Who? Who?! The suspense is killing. Could it be Nicks? It's Hakeem Nicks.
How? Process of elimination. Nicks was the lowest scoring receiver whose owner did not win. Also, 3 catches for 8 yards. Not a typo. In a non-PPR league, he would've had 0 points. So, Hakeem Nicks, for being a real American zero, you get our screwiest, fart-filled thanks.
Award number four, blocking catchers...
The "Shannon Sharpe (Revoked) Restraining Order" Award - Tight Ends
Antonio Gates, 3 pts
Marcedes Lewis, 5 pts
Zach Miller, 6 pts
John Carlson, 4 pts
Tony Moeaki, 4 pts
Visanthe Shiancoe, 0 pts
And the Screwy goes to Visanthe Shiancoe.
This is the 1st win for No Points McGee. With all the Vikings nominated and winning tonight, you'd think they had lost to the Cowboys. But no matter how big of losers the Cowboys seem, they'll always be winners at sucking @$&#! and &%#!@ing the $#%! with a fat #@$% on &%@!#$$ for two $&@!s.
Let's keep the night rolling with the award for the leg swingers...
The "George Blanda Was An Old Ass Man" Award - Kickers
Neil Rackers, 5 pts
Nate Kaeding, 4 pts
Matt Bryant, 5 pts
Jeff Reed, 4 pts
David Akers, 3 pts
And the Screwy goes to David Akers.
A windy day in Philly caused Akers to miss two 37 yard field goals, dropping his score by 4 points. How much did owner Footballs Deep lose by? 4 points. And Andre Johnson's game-high 27 would've been the tiebreaker. Making this possibly the biggest and most appropriate Screwy of all time.
Our last position award, the tacklers...
The "Junior Seau Falling Off A Cliff" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Patriots, 6 pts
Falcons, 2 pts
Let's just stop right there. Screwy goes to the Atlanta Falcons.
This is the ??? nomination and ??? win for the Falcons. I'm gonna be honest. I don't know nothing about this team. Nobody does. Are they an NFL team? We don't play fantasy with the UFL, do we?
And now, bastardo!
The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Let's have a toast for the douchebags
Peyton Manning, 26 pts for flicking Footballs Deep
Drew Brees, 29 pts for sharking Savage Life
Joe Flacco, 26 pts for trashing Team Perfection
Tony Romo, 27 pts for murking Madden Curse
Matt Ryan, 21 pts for drumming Diablo Negro
Jeremy Maclin, 34 pts for jacking Joker Beast
And the Screwy goes to Jeremy Maclin.
F*ck you.
And finally, our final last award at the back of the end, the second-stringers...
The "David Carr Hold On, Sit Back Down" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Steven Jackson, 16.5 pts
Thomas Jones, 17.5 pts
DeSean Jackson, 20 pts
Calvin Johnson, 25 pts
Matt Cassel, 28 pts
Dwayne Bowe, 28 pts
Ben Roethlisberger, 28 pts
Matt Schaub, 27 pts
Deion Branch, 24 pts
Ben Watson, 20 pts
Vikings, 17 pts
And the Screwy goes to...
I feel like Oprah. "You get an award! You get an award! You get an award! Everybody gets an award!!!" There are too many names on this list that should not be here. Schaub. Johnson. Both Jacksons. Why are these guys riding pine? Dwayne Bowe, I get. He ain't supposed to do that. Ben Watson, neither. But these other guys...? I think some owners deserve some Screwy Awards.
Take off your top hat and throw on your Snuggie. That's all from this Screwy Awards.
Next week is the State of the League Address. We're at the midway point where losing is not an option. So take care of your rosters. Me personally, I plan to put a HIT out on my next opponent. Whoever that is.
'Til next week.
~Imperfect Beast~