And Now Gettin' Alphabetical With The Joker Beast
It's fitting with Election Day this Tuesday that there be some debate.
My opponent... says that I am weak. That I am a weak team. Tied for the best record. Third highest point total in the league. While he claims that he... is strong? Just reached .500. Already lost to two other teams on his "weak" list. Well, he can continue with smear campaigns and attack ads. I'll continue with winning games. God bless you, and God bless America!
I'm The Joker Beast and I approved this message.
Congratulations to this week's winners. Now that the kiddies are swollen with candy and can't move, I thought it'd be a good time to educate them on the basics. Some of you grown-ups could use a refresher, too.
Learning Your ABC's with The Joker Beast
Brought to you by SmackMack's Titty-Grabbers: the finest in elegant boobie-themed restaurant dining.
A is for Armies, Are, and Aching as in:
Armies of players are going out with injuries, but it's the fantasy owners who are left aching.
B is for Baller, Bent, and Broke as in:
Vincent Jackson bent to the will of the Chargers, 'cause ain't no such thing as a broke baller.
C is for Children, Count, and Cramps as in:
Antonio Cromartie gets finger cramps when it's time to count his children.
D is for Doesn't, Drink, and Draft as in:
Draft bust Jamarcus Russell doesn't drink codeine; he just played like he did.
Drank, flank, and skank. We got 'em all at SmackMack's Titty-Grabbers! Down on Route 12 across from Hair Depot and Jiffy Tux.
E is for Explain, Eighty, and Election as in:
Explain why I have to sit through eighty election commercials every time I watch Family Feud?
F is for Fantasy, Football, and Fun as in:
Football is fun, but my fantasy is—say it with me—Kerry Washington!
G is for Gets,
H is for Hard, and
I is for Inches as in:
Every time MJD hits the hole hard, he gets a couple inches shorter.
Speaking of getting hard inches, SmackMack's Titty-Grabbers! Get your baby backs from Baby Got Back at SmackMack's.
Titty-Grabbers.
J is for Jumped, Jacked, and Juked as in:
LaGarrette Blount juked Darnell Dockett and jumped Kerry Rhodes as the Buccaneers jacked the Cardinals for a win.
K is for Karate, Kick, and Kite as in:
Charlie Brown told me the next time Lucy moves the football when he tries to kick it, he's going to karate chop her into the Kite-eating Tree.
L is for Lay, Likes, and Laying as in:
Charlie Sheen likes to lay into porn stars and lay out hotel chandeliers, but he needs to lay down that coke straw before he's laying up in the morgue.
Charlie Sheen says: "I eat at Titty-Grabbers every night. You want me to say some corny sh*t like that? Who moved my latte?!"
Tittty-Graaaabbz!
M is for More,
N is for Nutrition, and
O is for Organs as in:
The McRib actually has more nutrition after it passes your organs.
P is for Phoenix, Plenty, and Points as in:
I found plenty points of interest on Selita Ebanks' phoenix in Kanye's "Runaway".
Q is for Quitting,
R is for Results, and
S is for Severe as in:
The severe beating I give Team Perfection this weekend results in him quitting for life.
And nobody beats Titty-Grabber's happy hour specials. Try our Double Dee-licious Popcorn Balls, our tasty Nip Nibblers, and the fan favorite Kahlua Milk Jugs. Prices so low, they hang to your knees...
SmackMack's!
Titty-Grabbers.
T is for Think, Tiny, and Throwing as in:
How does T.I. even think about kissing Tiny without throwing up?
U is for Unemployment,
V is for Vikings, and
W is for Wave as in:
When are the Vikings gonna wave goodbye to boneheaded Childress and send him to the unemployment line?
X is for Xanthippe (an ill-tempered woman),
Y is for Yak, and
Z is for Zipper as in:
That xanthippe Amy Winehouse looks like a yak with zipper teeth.
Ain't no xanthippes at Titty-Grabbers!*
(*Legal Disclaimer: There are MANY xanthippes at Titty-Grabbers. Customers are not encouraged to grab any titties. ... Except our delicious chicken titty tenders. Now with mesquite and Nutella dipping sauces.)
Tittowwwssz...SmackMacks!
That's it for today. Rex Grossman, you wanna sub in and finish this out?
Rex Grossman: Nood gight, Verybody-- I mean...
Bah! He fumbled it.
'Til next week...
~Joker Beast for Prezident~