And Now Screwin' Around With The Joker Beast...
Back at number one. And with a sweeeet ass-kicking victory. But enough about my glorious glamgloriousness.
This week, the league has been trading like Wall Street. And you see how well Wall Street has done for us. The rent is too damn high! With all those sorry players out there, I can understand the itchy moves.
It sure is.
But before you move the player that moves your bowels, let's celebrate those crappy performances. That's right. It's time for the 1,000,000th Annual Screwy Awards! The votes are in, so let's get right to it.
The "Matthew Stafford-Greg Oden Fragility" Award - Quarterback
Matt Ryan, 17 pts
Peyton Manning, 16 pts
Jon Kitna, 11 pts
Matt Schaub, 11 pts
And the Screwy goes to Matt Schaub.
This is the 1st nomination and win for Schaub. Eleven points for a quarterback isn't bad. Unless you're Matt Schaub. What the French toast?!
The "Marcus Dupree Best That Never Was" Award - Running Backs
Chris Ivory, 5 pts
Ryan Mathews, 4 pts
LeGarrette Blount, 4 pts
Michael Bush, 1 pt
BenJarvus Green-Ellis, 1 pt
Beanie Wells, 0 pts
And the Screwy goes to Michael Bush.
This is the 5th nomination and 1st win for Bush. Being a Raider, he's used to getting penalties, so he sees this award as a good thing.
The "Randy Moss Dropped Catcher" Award - Wide Receivers
Steve Breaston, 5 pts
Anquan Boldin, 4 pts
Pierre Garcon, 3 pts
Miles Austin, 3 pts
Calvin Johnson, 2 pts
Chad Ochocinco, 2 pts
Austin Collie, 1 pt
Steve Smith (CAR), 1 pt
And the Screwy goes to Pierre Garcon.
This is the 1st nomination and win for Garcon. I haven't seen a performance this bad since Kanye in "Runaway".
The "Kevin Not-the-Boss" Award - Tight Ends
Kellen Winslow, 6 pts
Anthony Fasano, 5 pts
Heath Miller, 5 pts
Ben Watson, 3 pts
Jermaine Gresham, 3 pts
And the Screwy goes to Ben Watson.
More like Ben What-are-you-doing-son. Hahaha... Ha?
Sorry.
Moving on...
The "Ndomakung Suh Kickshank" Award - Kickers
Adam Vinatieri, 6 pts
Dan Carpenter, 4 pts
Stephen Gostkowski, 1 pt
And the Screwy goes to Stephen Gostkowski.
1 point? And the Patriots lose to the Browns? The Browns?! Yeah, sure. They didn't need Randy Moss.
Speaking of the Patriots...
The "Shawn Merriman Demotion" Award - Defense/Special Teams
The Patriots, 3 pts
The Pats, 3 pts
The Fats, 3 pts
The Flats, 3 pts
The Drats, 3 pts
And the Screwy goes to the New England Patriots.
This is the 100th nomination and 99th win for the Patriots this season. I had a joke here, but I just saw Rosario Dawson bending over on a promo for the Jimmy Fallon show, so I don't remember nothing else now. Not a complaint.
The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Pickle you, kumquat!
Peyton Hillis, 33 pts for flunking Footballs Deep
Larry Fitzgerald, 17 pts for lumping Light It Up
Steve Johnson, 25 pts for grumping Gladiators
Aaron Rodgers, 36 pts for mopping Madden Curse
Adrian Peterson, 28 pts for munching Madden Curse
Michael Vick, 29 pts for toppling Team Perfection
Terrell Owens, 36 pts for torching Team Perfection
Philip Rivers, 36 pts for gouging Gridy
And the Screwy goes to... Wow. Could it be? A first ever tie? A three-way tie even?
Nah. Screwy goes to Terrell Owens.
Woooo! You see the way T.O. snatched that victory for his team? No, not the Bengals. They obviously suck. But his fantasy team... I digress. This is T.O.'s 1st Screwy win this season... And it's for Fantasy Bastard, 'cause he's ballin! Amazing work. Rodgers and Rivers done good too. Kudos to them.
The "Does Anyone Even Read These Anymore" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Dwayne Bowe, 17 pts
Josh Freeman, 19 pts
Rashard Mendenhall, 19.5 pts
Raiders, 21 pts
Matthew Stafford, 31 pts
Ahmad Bradshaw, 22 pts
Matt Cassel, 21 pts
Percy Harvin, 19 pts
Ronnie Brown, 17.5 pts
And the Screwy goes to Eeny Meeny Miny Mo.
These all seem like legitimate benches. Nothing big here, so who really cares? I suppose Stafford can get the trophy, since he had the most points. So... Yeah.
Well, re-cork the champagne and finish getting that coat check girl's number. That's all from this Screwy Awards.
We got our first Thursday night game this week: Ravens vs. Falcons. So if you're looking to pick up or trade anybody from those teams, better do it...last week. Hmm. Oh well.
Good luck to everybody who's me this week.
~Joker Beast~